


bare: a fox opera

by LunaRoseValentine



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Established Relationship, Katelyn is dumb and innocent and can't tell the twins apart, Kevin is Lucas, Kevin is drunk or high 24/7, M/M, Matt is pining for Neil, Mistaken Identity, if you care about bare stuff then neil is peter and andrew/aaron is jason and matt/aaron is matt, if you've seen/listened to bare then you know it's not gonna end happy happy, instead of exy there is romeo and juliet with wymack as their director, katelyn is ivy and renee is kind of nadia but not really cause nadia's plot is axed pretty hard, neil is the dumbest dumb and embraces it completely, no one needs this au but me but BOY DO I NEED IT, see what i mean about breaking shit to fit them in ?, so much twinyards getting mistaken for each other, there are uniforms and no one can tell them apart, we bent and broke this plot to fit them all in, wymack is a nun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2019-09-22 13:02:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 64,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17060279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaRoseValentine/pseuds/LunaRoseValentine
Summary: Andrew has just learned he has a brother and will be transferring to a private catholic school for his senior year. Being surrounded by god fearing virgins would be a tragedy except he asked for this. He asked to stay at the dormitory, away from Cass who still wants a relationship with him, away from Drake who has been dying to get Andrew and his brother together, and closer to Neil. Neil, who he met when he was young and dumb. Now they're roommates and nothing is keeping them from continuing their nothing of a relationship.





	1. Epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> bare: a pop opera, except it's with the foxes and Andrew won't die in the end. Maybe some ooc stuff, not major things I don't think ('cept Kevin, he pretty ooc), I'm just learning how to write for other ish ya know?

The bed across from him is bare. His former roommate has taken everything off of the walls, the only remnants are the holes where push pins had held up posters. The white walls are now as blank as his own. It has been years since his emancipation and WITSEC paying him a lump sum for testifying against his father’s people. Most of the money had gone to this school, Catholic, boring, and the last place Neil thought his father’s people would look for him. He didn’t need to waste money on pictures or chotchkies to decorate his side of the room. Paying the high tuition was easier than trying to find housing and worry about grocery shopping and paying bills. During the summer the church on campus let him rent a room for dirt cheap in exchange for assisting the Father with daily chores. 

 

It meant he was also on campus early, when exy practices started, he moved back in when the players did. The team isn’t entirely shit despite being filled with rich private school poshes, but he doesn’t know any of them too well despite being on the cheer team. There is a strict no dating rule for the players and cheerleaders, which had never been a problem for Neil. He had that area of his life covered, though he wouldn’t call what he and Andrew were  _ dating _ per se. His position on the team was forfeit now anyway, so it didn’t matter.

 

The half broken lock on the door clicks and he tries to remind himself that locking it during the day is overkill. He has nothing worth stealing and the other students can get their drug fixes from Kevin. Neil doesn’t carry any of that illegal shit. The door swings open and would slam against the wall if it weren’t for the stop which pings from the collision. There is a tiny blond in his doorway carrying a backpack the size of his torso in one hand and a bedroll under his arm. Andrew Spear, now Andrew Minyard, originally Andrew Doe, is now his roommate and Neil can’t keep the smile from pulling at his cheeks. 

 

Andrew doesn’t look at him longer than he looks at anything else in the room. He slams his bag and bedroll on the bare mattress then kicks the door closed. He reaches the window and shoves it up and open. There are no screens because the dorms are ancient, and the wood cracks when the frame hits the top. Cold autumn air whirls into the room and a chill nips Neil’s cheeks. Andrew has a cigarette between his lips before Neil’s mouth can form a  _ hello _ . Andrew finally looks at Neil. He takes his time looking him over and his gaze threatens to burn a hole into the boot cradling Neil’s foot. 

 

“Fracture, be off in a month or so,” Neil says. Andrew looks like he couldn’t care less as soon as he has an explanation. There is a loud whooping sound from out in the hall announcing the arrival of Matt Boyd. Matt runs by their room and raps his hands on the door, letting it rattle. 

 

“Last year gentlemen!” Matt’s voice repeats a couple times, he isn’t loud but the walls are thin. Andrew still hasn’t lit his cigarette, his eyes on the smoke detector above Neil’s head. Neil shakes his head and shrugs in a  _ don’t worry about it _ fashion. Andrew lights up. 

 

After taking a slow drag he blows the smoke directly into the room at Neil. “You going to say hello to me?” Neil asks, and then Andrew opens his arms slightly like one would when they’d expect a hug. Neil nearly trips with how fast he stands to cross to meet Andrew. He doesn’t hug him but his hand reaches to grab at the hem of Andrew’s oversized sweatshirt. Neil keeps the fabric bunched in his fist until Andrew places a hand on the back of his neck. “I can’t believe you’re here.” 

 

“That’s because you’re stupid.” 

 

“Yeah,” Neil breathes and Andrew closes the space between their mouths. The kiss is hard and fast, Neil’s mind humming  _ Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. _ Then it’s over and Andrew is scowling and motioning for Neil to give him space. Neil returns to sitting on his bed but then leans back to lie down and stare up at the ceiling. They don’t talk. Neil knows he’s still grinning. 

 

Six years he’s known Andrew, but that isn’t really true. It’s truer to say he’s known of Andrew’s existence for six years. They met by chance during an exy match in middle school. Neil was cheering and Andrew was playing for the opposing team. One of Andrew’s teammates tried to get handsy with one of the Kits, the junior cheerleaders, and Neil stepped up to defend her and had gotten himself decked. Andrew had appeared a second later, pummeling the instigator and defending him and the girl. 

 

Neil had stayed on as a cheerleader, hoping their schools would play again so he could thank Andrew. They didn’t, and Andrew had been given a strong suggestion of withdrawing from the exy team. Neil met him again by chance two years later. He’d been at the church lighting candles when an Asian girl with rainbow hair had shown up asking when confessions were. Behind her was Andrew, refusing to set foot in the church. Neil recognized Andrew, and Andrew Neil. How could he not? Neil’s face looked like a testing paper for knives and their various carving abilities. Renee, he later learned was the girl’s name, left them alone to talk while she went to speak with Father. 

 

Neil had a shit phone by then, a number to put on his school forms, and he and Andrew exchanged contacts. They didn’t text, but every Friday since then though he’d receive a call from Andrew. A few words, a location, a time, they would meet and talk. Andrew liked exchanging stories, a truth for a truth, and for the first time Neil had someone other than the government officials who listened to his story. Andrew held it all and didn’t flinch away. Neil felt lighter around him, like there was someone else who could stand with him and not bend under the weight. 

 

“My brother is coming by,” Andrew says  _ brother _ like it’s from another language, one he doesn’t know. Aaron. Neil had felt sick when he had met Aaron. He had Andrew’s face and Neil hadn’t noticed until they were sophomores. In his defense Aaron was a diligent student and didn’t call attention to himself. Neil didn’t seek out friends or companions. He was aware of his fellow classmates, and those who wanted to talk with him he entertained, but most students avoided his face and careless attitude. If anything it should have been Renee to raise the alarm, though Neil couldn’t fault her. She had a lot on her plate since last year one of the nuns caught her and her roommate kissing in a tree, literally, on the edge of campus. He isn’t sure if she’s invited back this year. 

 

“Are you staying with his mother now?” Neil asks. He doesn’t say  _ your mother _ because Andrew’s eyes flare when he does that.

 

“I am staying here,” Andrew sniffs and takes a long drag. The room is starting to look hazy with the smoke. Neil doesn’t mind the smell. “Who did you kick out?” he tilts his chin up at the bed his things are on. 

 

“Matt, guy from earlier,” Neil sits up. “He’s rooming with Kevin now. He’ll have first access to the apothecary.” Kevin’s supply of pills and powders and anything a little posh Catholic heart could want, is lovingly called the pharmacy or apothecary depending on who’s listening in. “Cass do what you want?” Neil asks, he isn’t sure what it is Andrew wants her to do. She is,  _ was _ , his foster mom before Neil told him about Aaron’s suspicious face. Then it became this battle of the mothers, except Aaron’s mom Tilda didn’t really want to fight for Andrew. She got him anyway because her nosy brother was all about  _ family. _

 

“No,” Andrew says. “She wants me to come down for Christmas break, bring Aaron, maybe bring Tilda, thinks we can all make this work.” Neil doesn’t understand Andrew when it comes to Cass. She is a decent woman according to Andrew but some days when he would come from her house Andrew would look far away and it was those days that Neil had to keep his hands to himself. 

 

“Was summer with Aaron-?” 

 

“Last two weeks were with Cass,” Andrew cuts him off. “She  _ said _ the  _ two _ of us would have a vacation getaway before I’d be here for the year. She invited extra guests.” 

 

“Oh?” Neil says, a question, Andrew doesn’t explain himself. There is a knock at the door. Neil crosses to open it. Aaron is standing with his uniform already on, neat and precise. 

 

“Andrew,” Aaron says trying to look past Neil. This has been ongoing, Aaron choosing to ignore Neil. Neil figures it’s Aaron’s silent resentment of Neil shaking up his life. Andrew tilts the door open, his cigarette has disappeared but the smell is obvious and Aaron’s nose wrinkles. “People want to meet you,” he says. “No one believes I have a brother.” 

 

As if on cue, two taller boys begin to stroll past. Matt pulls Neil out into the hall in a side hug. “Hey man, long time no see, you not hear my rattle?” 

 

“Everyone heard you,” Kevin, the other boy, grumbles. He has a tattoo of a chess piece, a queen Neil thinks, on his cheek just below the outer corner of his eye. It’s not covered now, but per school rules a large bandage covers half his face during the school days. 

 

“Walls are thin,” Matt shrugs. 

 

“We know,” Kevin scowls again. There had been a night when Neil was locked out of his and Matt’s shared room while Dan, Matt’s girlfriend, had been visiting. Conjugally. Kevin had been kind enough to lend his room to Neil and the two of them had pretended they couldn’t hear the thumping of the bed frame. If speakers hadn’t been banned the year before they would have blasted music. Instead they settled for half broken school provided headphones. 

 

It became a running joke afterwards to hand out headphones whenever someone had plans for the evening, solo or otherwise. Neil had invested in a pair of his own and an old handheld cd player. The volume still wasn’t loud enough for his liking, but Matt had burned him a cd of loud club music as an apology. Matt had almost started a game with him, of guessing when he was  _ busy,  _ but Neil had stopped talking to him until he knocked it off. 

 

“You’re not cheering this year?” Matt asks, looking to Neil’s foot. Neil shakes his head, and a wicked gleam flickers in Matt’s eye. Neil wonders if Kevin already gave him something. “You gotta audition man.” 

 

“Audition?” 

 

“Yeah man, the drama teacher is on maternity leave and the school doesn’t want an outsider, so they’re making Wymack do it,” says Matt. 

 

“Why?” Wymack is a decent man, but he’s a phys ed teacher, not theater.

 

“Who cares?” Matt says. “Allison and I have a bet on how long he lasts, I’m trying to get enough people on my side.” 

 

“What side is that?” Neil asks. 

 

“Think he’ll break in a week, so gotta try extra hard in the beginning to get him to snap.” Neil rolls his eyes. “Hey man, Dan’s on my side too, and Katelyn, did you hear? She’s back from her exchange program.” 

 

“Matt,” Aaron interrupts, “brother.” He points to Andrew who is observing them with a detached gaze. Matt and Kevin look between Andrew and Aaron. 

 

“Oh yeah, I see it,” Matt says. 

 

“Get you both in uniform and I won’t be able to tell,” Kevin says. Andrew’s face is a snarl at his comment. 

 

“Could be useful,” Matt says with a shrug. He slings an arm around Neil’s shoulder. Neil feels miniature next to Matt. “You uptight like this one?” Matt asks, hitching a thumb at Aaron. Andrew only raises an eyebrow and glances at Neil. 

 

“We’ll be late to prayer if we don’t leave now,” Kevin says. Matt rolls his eyes, but ruffles Neil’s hair before following Kevin off. Kevin’s pulling a bandage from his pocket and peels the paper off, dropping the trash on the floor. 

 

“Since when do you care?” Matt laughs.

 

“I have a trade.” 

 

Their voices fade and Aaron looks back at Andrew. “Don’t smoke,” Aaron says. “Wouldn’t put it past you to say you’re me if you’re caught.” Neil realizes he’s still in casual clothes and moves quickly to change into his uniform. He finds his pants and ducks behind the slightly open door to change out of view. He has to sit on Andrew’s bed to get the boot off. 

 

“Better get to prayer,” Andrew hums before closing the door. Neil is tightening his belt when Andrew looks at him. He sits and snaps his boot back on. 

 

“Uniform is required everywhere outside the dorms,” he says. “Hand me my tie?” Neil trades out his shirt and begins working the buttons. Andrew doesn’t say anything, so Neil looks up, “Drew can you hand me-” a folded tie is shoved lightly between Neil’s teeth. He gives a surprised whine. Andrew’s hand stays to cup Neil’s chin, forcing his gaze up.  

 

“Prayer?” Andrew asks. His stare is a heavy thing. 

 

“It’s Sunday,” Neil mumbles around the fabric. Andrew narrows his eyes. Neil tries to explain further but Andrew is annoyed when he can’t understand and pulls the tie away from Neil. “It is strongly recommended that students attend everyday.” Neil swallows and Andrew’s mind appears to be connecting the dots. “You’re allowed to pray in your room instead if-” the tie as well as a couple fingers return and Neil bites down on the fabric. 

 

Andrew’s gaze trails down Neil’s half-buttoned shirt and flickers over Neil’s slacks. “Yes or no?” Andrew asks as he begins to kneel and Neil squeaks a yes while nodding purposefully. “Walls are thin,” Andrew says working on Neil’s belt. Neil’s mind is lost in the unbelievability of it all. Andrew is here, in his room, at his school, and he isn’t going anywhere. They have so much time. “Do not touch me,” Andrew says, a final order. Neil nods and then he is praying.


	2. You & I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang's all here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're gonna do it. an update every day for 36 days until this is done. i need this au man. (edit: ah, such ambition I was full of in the beginning ;_;)

“Are we damned?” Andrew asks as Neil closes his locker. Neil feigns a look of surprise. They have a few minutes passing before their first class of the day. Andrew has a pack of cigarettes held out toward him. Neil scoffs a laugh. 

 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Neil hums. Andrew brings a hand to rest on the back of Neil’s neck before pushing him back. Andrew brings his hand near his face. There’s a scowl over his features. 

 

“God, why do you smell like this, your whole room reeks of it too.” Neil ignores him. 

 

Andrew draws a death stick out with his teeth. Neil says,“I didn’t see you at the congregation.” 

 

“I was sleeping,” Andrew says around the cigarette.

 

“Could have done it in a pew,” Neil says. When the lighter appears Neil frantically looks around but the halls are empty. He is tempted to fix Andrew’s uniform, it looks slept in. The tails of his white button up hang untucked, the blazer’s buttons are misaligned, and his tie is knotted like faith alone is keeping it from unravelling. “You can’t show up just for classes.”

 

“I thought this was a school,” Andrew says before taking a drag. He leans against the locker and Neil asks if he can fix his uniform. Andrew lets him and blows smoke at him. “Think the nuns still beat kids with rulers?” 

 

“Renee would know, you should ask her.” 

 

“You never step out of line?” 

 

“I’m trying to be a good Catholic schoolboy.” The words hit Andrew sideways and Neil’s hands are knocked away. Neil buries them in his pockets. Andrew doesn’t storm off so he tries again. “It’s easier to blend in when you follow the system.”

 

“What does the system think of you and I going back to your room and passing the time?” Andrew says like he doesn’t care either way. 

 

“What does your hyperosmia say about the smell of our room?” Andrew exhales smoke more purposefully over Neil’s uniform. “I would say yes,” Neil says. “The system however says we should get to first period. Nurse might come check on us if we’re out.” 

 

“Afraid she’ll find you incapacitated?” Neil’s grin dims when he spots a familiar face behind Andrew. He snatches the smoking stick from Andrew’s mouth and throws it into his locker before slamming it shut. 

 

Andrew turns quickly to assess their audience. Katelyn. She’s almost exactly how Neil imagined she’d grow up to be, except taller. Neil didn’t think that 5’3 was going to be his end game but here he was almost eighteen and still shorter than most.  _ Most _ didn’t include Andrew, which he liked very much. Katelyn isn’t looking at Neil though. She’s fixated on Andrew. More students are appearing. 

 

“It  _ is _ you.” She kind of floats when she walks. Like she weighs nothing, light, not stable. Neil notices she’s wearing the cheer uniform, graduated now from a Kit to a Vixen. There’s still something round and shaky about her, it was why Neil felt called to protect her from the asshole when they were kids. Though looking back she probably only remembers Andrew saving the day by making her attacker nearly unrecognizable. Andrew’s expression gives her nothing. She doesn’t waver. “I’m Katelyn.” Neil expects her to stick out her hand but she doesn’t. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil answers for Andrew who is still in stoney silence. She nods and keeps looking at Andrew, whose gaze is just as unfriendly as always and yet she doesn’t flinch away. Neil feels a prickling of annoyance under his skin. Andrew’s look coupled with his own face usually keeps outsiders at bay, they can have their own private aura away from the rest of the world. Now there’s this girl.

 

Girls are off limits, Neil knows. Baby Neil had tried to befriend a girl when he was ten and he still has a scar on his arm from where she had held onto him as they walked. His father cut the memory into him. They had been acting out a movie scene she liked. He told this to his father when demanded an explanation. 

 

Andrew’s movement is so violent and fast that Neil flinches, the grip on his neck is at least familiar. Andrew leans in like he’s going to kiss him only to lean past him and blow a hot stream of smoke down the back of Neil’s neck out of sight of Katelyn.

 

“I am Neil,” he says, stupidly. Katelyn looks at him and her eyes do the ‘wide stare with pupils recoiling at his marred flesh’ thing that most people do. 

 

“Katelyn,” and this time she does stick her hand out and he leaves it in the air, still stunned by the heat trailing down his spine. He has half a mind to grab Andrew’s blazer and pull him along. “You probably don’t remember me-”

 

“No,” Andrew speaks, and Neil wonders if he’s choking back a cough. “I do. Cheerleader. Yes.” She smiles at this and waves her hand to try and hide the awkward. 

 

“We should go,” Neil whispers to Andrew in German. The heat is lingering and Andrew still hasn’t released his neck. 

 

“What class do you have next?” Katelyn asks, also in German. Neil’s expression becomes a strained smile. “Ah, I’ve been in Holland these past three years. I picked up some German from one of my bilingual neighbors. They’re a bit similar.” She says something in Dutch and then again in German to show them. Andrew’s eyes flicker with something like interest just as the first warning bell rings. 

 

She hurries off down the hall and Andrew starts toward his class. Neil huffs and follows him. He almost grips the edges of Andrew’s blazer. “I thought you wanted to ditch.” His head is spinning in the scent of smoke.

 

“I don’t want to do anything,” he answers. 

 

“So let’s do nothing,” Neil answers and Andrew narrows his eyes at him. 

 

“Neil, the system.” 

 

“Fuck the system,” Neil says and Andrew mouth curls down. 

 

“Was your brain in your foot?” 

 

“I can’t argue with you like this,” Neil says. Andrew is unamused and Neil looks down to his own slacks and then at Andrew. 

 

“Oh Neil,” Andrew looks dead eyed, but Neil can feel the smugness radiating off of him. Neil clears his throat to try and change the subject. 

 

“Let’s audition for that thing Matt was talking about.” 

 

“I think I’ll go out for exy.” 

 

“You haven’t played since we were twelve!” 

 

“Then you would cheer for me.” 

 

“I’ll cheer for you,  _ right now _ , if we go back to our room.” 

 

“Desperation isn’t cute Neil,” Andrew says and Neil feels hot under his tie. Andrew notices and enjoys the way Neil begins grumbling. “Katelyn was much subtler, quieter. She cheers too right?”

 

“I can be quiet!” 

 

Andrew tilts his head to the side. “I’m a Catholic now, not supposed to do anything sinful.” 

 

“And I-”

 

“You are unholy.” Neil feels a bubble coiling in his gut, amusement, maybe laughter, and his face, he is sure, is red. He wants Andrew to kiss the irritation from his mouth. “Breathe, Josten,” Andrew hums and waits until the color in Neil’s face becomes normal to give his answer. “I’ll go to your Matt thing,” Andrew says. “I’ll sit and watch you make a fool of yourself.” Neil tries to lean into Andrew with his grin, but is kept at arm’s length.

 

“Oh shit!” a voice calls out from down the hall. A teacher pokes her head out into the hall and everyone feigns ignorance when she tries to find the guilty party. There are people walking toward them and the girl who exclaimed is leading the pack of four. “You  _ are _ Aaron,” she says. Neil nods at Allison. She’s wearing slacks instead of the uniform skirt. The pants suit her body better and give her more curves, she’s also forgotten her blazer somewhere and her tie looks worse than Andrew’s had. Her blonde hair is up in a disheveled bun also adding to her disreputable attire. Matt and Dan look much more pristine and well pressed, Dan’s skirt borders on dress code violation but the only one distracted is Matt. He’s staring at Neil like there’s something he’s dying to say. Kevin looks a right posh even with his bandage, his hair is slicked back though Neil isn’t sure if it’s gel or grease keeping it out of his sharp face. 

 

“Far out,” Dan adds. Kevin bumps fists with Andrew and then there is an exchange that everyone pretends not to notice. Matt is at Neil’s side with a hand through his hair in greeting. Dan has stacks of paper in her hands, Neil recognizes them as scenes from a script. 

 

“Told you,” Kevin hums. “We gotta make a plan. Pick a target.”

 

“Neil,” Dan says, “you auditioning tomorrow?” Neil nods and when she looks at Andrew she laughs. “Not you though?” Neil doesn’t know what’s funny. 

 

“Nah, Neil is on my team,” Matt says, pulling Neil to him. Allison looks like she’s going to grab Andrew and pull him to her. 

 

“Wait-” Neil starts but Andrew has already pulled a knife and casually twirls it in his hand. “Don’t touch him.” Neil’s comment is belated. The two girls take a step back and Neil feels Matt tense a bit beside him. Dan laughs off the threat, but Allison’s look stays cool. 

 

“Only Kevin can lay hands?” Kevin looks less surprised by the knife, as he is busy sniffing the air. 

 

“Kevin is welcome when invited,” Andrew drolls in a low voice. Dan hands the audition papers to Neil. He takes them and scans them briefly before rolling them and putting them in his messenger bag. Kevin looks like a dog with his nose up and eyes a droopy red. 

 

“Something burning?” Kevin asks. Neil’s body is rigid and he turns on his heels to race back to his locker. Andrew gives a laugh like a buzzer. 

 

“Hah, dumb boy.” 

 

“You play exy?” Kevin asks while Neil desperately tries to open his locker. Kevin is unconcerned and it’s Matt’s blazer that’s used to smother the tiny flame. 

 

“No,” Andrew says. 

 

“Cool, good, no tests to pass then.” Kevin reaches up and scratches his bandage. “You wanna go to a rave?” 

 

“Kevin you can’t just invite people into the group,” Allison says. 

 

“We don’t really want you,” Dan clarifies. “We’re after Katelyn. There’s a bet, lot of money riding on it, you wanna make a wager?” 

 

“I want him,” Kevin says, but no one listens to him.

 

Matt returns blazerless and Neil looks sheepish. “I’ll go if Aaron goes,” Andrew says. Allison’s nose scrunches. Dan shakes her head but says she’ll make it happen.

 

“Audition though, don’t have to be in it, join and be crew. You got big arms, you can pull ropes, move sets and all that.” Dan hands him a pile of script pages anyway. 

 

“What’s the bet on the cheerleader?” Andrew asks. 

 

“When he’ll finally hand out headphones, my money is on never,” Kevin says. 

 

“Not that cheerleader,” Allison smacks Kevin in the back of the head. 

 

They begin to bid farewells before the final warning bell rings. As they’re leaving Andrew catches their names, Allison keeps eyeing his knife until it disappears back into one of his sleeves. Neil and Andrew finally get close to the classroom door. “Aren’t you worried that you burned my things?” Neil asks. 

 

“I would never be dumb enough to do what you did.” 

 

“Read the scenes okay, I want to try practicing before-” 

 

“Josten,” Andrew hums, “the dorm is this way.” Neil looks at him with a confused knit of his brows. “Unless you want me to go find Kevin.” A light bulb flickers on in his mind and Neil looks to the classroom door, sincerely debating. 

 

“I want to but-”

 

“He  _ is _ a good Catholic,” Andrew says and strolls into the class. 

  
  


Neil keeps sending annoyed looks Andrew’s way.  _ God, he’s so fucking stupid,  _ Andrew thinks each time Neil looks at him like he’s worried they’re never going to speak again. Finally Neil flicks a page of notebook paper onto Andrew’s desk. 

 

_ Tonight _ , it reads in German. Andrew doesn’t look back to confirm or deny and Neil fires an artillery of wadded papers at the back of Andrew’s head. 

 

At lunch, Andrew finds himself sitting under a tree. Josten is a pain and obvious, Andrew doesn’t know if it’s wise to be living in such close proximity. The idiot has had too many close calls with being unable to keep his hands to himself. Renee is walking toward him now with intent. Her hair is silver and cropped short. Her skirt isn’t the length of her fingertips, he’s tempted to call it scandalous. Neil stole his pack of smokes before meeting Matt at the library to run lines. She stands above him, hands on hips. Her voice is the same mellow calm as always despite her posture. “I need it,” she says then raises her hand when he moves to stand, “tomorrow.” 

 

“I am auditioning for Romeo and Juliet.” 

 

“No you’re not.” 

 

“I guess I’m not.” 

 

“Tomorrow night, we can meet in the black box, drama room, after Wymack is done with it,” Renee says. She holds up a ring of keys. “I am actually auditioning.” 

 

“Because Allison asked you to?” Andrew asks. Renee doesn’t stutter.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Renee says. 

 

“You’re not the first person to tell me I’m unbelievable.” Andrew closes his eyes as a breeze ghosts his skin. The tree is as far as he can get to the edge of campus without being off property.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Same reason you are,” Andrew says. “When they kick you out you’ll have a place to stay. Just have to change emergency contact numbers instead of temporary homes.” Renee crouches down beside Andrew and rakes her fingers over the damp grass. “Did the nuns hit you with rulers?” 

 

“My scholarship stops after this semester. Then I’m out.” Andrew leans his head back against the tree trunk. 

 

“You want me to fix it for you?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Could you?” Renee asks. 

 

“Yes.” Andrew’s gut twists as he imagines fighting to keep Renee here. It hardens into a knot when he imagines her gone.

 

“What would it cost you?” 

 

A teacher yells across the way that lunch is almost over and that they’re too close together, alone. Renee laughs, bitterly. 

 

“I could do it for you.” He means it.

 

“No. I don’t want you to fix it for me.” Andrew nods and she makes her way back across the yard. Andrew stares down at his uniform. Catholic schoolboy. He imagines the joy it will bring him to shred the uniform to pieces as soon as the school year is over. 


	3. Role of a Lifetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boys with feelings, tw for mentions of abuse

Neil is wearing only a blanket and Andrew is fully clothed. Yes had turned into a no and Andrew is smoking by the window, not looking at Neil.

 

_ “Can I see you?”  _ Neil had asked while playing with the buttons on Andrew’s shirt. His own uniform had been scattered over their dormitory floor. Neil was on his bed, exposed, and Andrew hovered over him, kneeling to keep distance between their bodies. Andrew said no and Neil was fine with that. But then they’d been kissing and Andrew’s mind had changed. Neil saw the shift in Andrew’s expression, a subtle thing with his hands slowing in hesitation.  _ “Yes or no?”  _ Neil had turned Andrew’s question back on him. Andrew was off and digging out his pack from Neil’s blazer a second later.       

 

Something worse happened during summer, Neil can tell. Andrew won’t change out in front of him. Bruises sometimes darkened Andrew’s neck and wrists and once his cheek. He’d shown Neil when they were younger, a trade for Neil’s scars. Not since living in with Cass though, she didn’t ever raise a hand to him, had Andrew mentioned a reason for being protective of his skin. Imagining that there is some darkness Andrew wants to hide drives heat into Neil’s fists. 

 

In the beginning of whatever this was, Andrew was the only one to give. Neil would receive and keep his hands to himself. This lasted for a while until piece by piece Andrew let Neil in, first fingers in his hair and then on his shoulders and his back. Clothes stayed on, a buffer for Andrew. Neil has no shame in regards to his own nudity, only the scars he took such care in hiding when he was younger give him pause. But now his face tells its own story and his body has already been traced by Andrew. It is trust. 

 

There are times they take steps backwards and Neil begins again at step one, carefully relearning Andrew as Andrew wants to reclaim himself with Neil’s hands. Andrew will spit empty threats,  or grab him with rough hands, or act like they are nothing. Neil didn’t mind. Neil tells himself he doesn’t mind. Andrew needs to feel that control, that stability in knowing that Neil won’t be like those who raised fists to him. Neil is careful and Andrew always asks. They have a dance that works for them. Most of the time. Right now Andrew doesn’t want to be near him physically, but the silence lends itself to creating its own stories. Neil tries to simplify his thoughts. He knows it isn’t about him, this is Andrew’s journey. There is still doubt, wavering at the edges of Neil’s mind. 

 

Where is he along that path? Who is he supposed to be? A savior? A warm body to be used as a tool? Some phase of Andrew’s to pass through? Neil likes to imagine himself a partner to help navigate the labyrinth of Andrew’s history. He wants to be a pillar like Andrew is for him. Because his history is heavy. Andrew’s silence is heavy. 

 

Then there is school and this surrounding of repeated prayer. Last year there had been a class where one of the teachers spoke openly of condemning homosexuality and what it meant to follow such sin. If it is true, then Neil is damning him. Is that something which weighs on Andrew? How can he stand being surrounded by such rejection? 

 

Neil doesn’t fully understand, he doesn’t  _ feel  _ the same way Andrew does about the physical part of their not-relationship. Attraction is so foreign to him, he’s never looked at anyone and  _ wanted  _ them. Andrew is more than a body, he is a whole being, a mind, and a soul. Intimacy is a joining explosion of joy and pleasure and it’s wonderful. It begins though with the thought, the knowing that the both of them are enjoying what they’re doing. 

 

Love, he has never been allowed such a vulnerability before. 

 

“Can I say words?” Neil asks. The question sounds so strange that Andrew turns and coughs a puff of smoke into the room. 

 

“I don’t know Josten, can you?” 

 

“Questions, can we trade questions?” 

 

“Ask,” Andrew says. Neil knows it’s his turn to ask for a truth, he can see Andrew’s shoulders tense. Like he’s bracing himself for Neil’s prying.

 

“Are you attracted to me?” Neil asks. There is a moment, and then Andrew’s features lose their composure as his eyebrows knit and his mouth is pursed. Andrew tries to play it off and exhales, he pulls his features back into practiced apathy. 

 

“He is dumber than I thought,” Andrew says out the window flicking the cigarette into the darkness. Andrew closes the window and goes to sit on his bed. 

 

“I know,” Neil says and pulls the blanket high to tuck under his chin. 

 

“Yes,” Andrew says. 

 

“What does that mean?” 

 

“I am this close to killing you, so goddamn close,” Andrew says. When Neil doesn’t say anything Andrew stalks over and turns off the light before dressing down in the dark and lying on his own bed. “It means I’m attracted to you.”

 

“What does-”

 

“You’re telling me now Mr. Don’t Swing and you haven’t wanted-” 

 

“No,” Neil says quickly, Andrew misunderstood, “no, no. I wanted it- to- I want to, with you. I didn’t mean-” Neil closes his eyes and exhales. “It’s just, other people, I don’t want other people. I just want this-”

 

“There is no this.” 

 

“I know,” Neil snaps into the dark. Neil can feel his heart beating in his chest, he suddenly is aware of his too cold feet and exposed skin. He tries to feel around for a pair of his sweatpants. He finds them and he tries not to yell out when he’s too rough on his injured foot. Andrew hears the hitch in Neil’s breath and he is up and the lights are on and Andrew is shoving Neil’s boot into his face until Neil takes it and straps it back on. They lie back on their respective beds and the lights remain on. 

 

“I am attracted to guys,” Andrew says. “Men.”

 

“I don’t know what that feels like.”

 

“Not my problem.” 

 

“Okay,” Neil says. “It’s your turn.” 

 

“I don’t have to take it.”

 

“I have more questions.” 

 

“About this?” 

 

“There is no this,” Neil says and then he gives a chuckle that becomes a grin he turns on Andrew. Like the giddiness of catching someone in a foolish lie. Andrew glares daggers into the ceiling, eyes not looking at Neil. 

 

“I want to kill you, it’s 100% of the time now.” 

 

“Don’t be childish,” Neil says and Andrew’s good nature hardens. “Sorry.” He doesn’t know why certain words stab at Andrew like they do, he tries his best to keep a mental list. 

 

They lie in silence until Andrew thaws. “Do you believe in God?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Neil says. “I hear about Him all the time now. I wonder where He was during my childhood when all this was happening to me.” Neil gestures a hand down his body. “I think there is something though, something bigger than us, waiting to harvest our souls or whatever. Suffering is optional, and if there is a God then He chose to add suffering to the world. Vicious two-faced prick.” Neil rolls over onto his stomach. “Maybe fate, I might believe in that.”

 

“I don’t,” Andrew says. 

 

“Okay.” Neil looks over to Andrew. “What do you want to tell me about your summer?”

 

“There’s nothing I want to say.” 

 

“Okay.”

 

“Are you fine with that?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I think you’re lying.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Cass has a son,” Andrew says and then switches gears. Neil’s memory tries to search for that information. He didn’t know Cass had a son. Had he been the one to hit Andrew? Cass’ vacation with extra guests could mean Andrew maybe met the son for the first time and it hadn’t gone well. Andrew isn’t waiting for Neil to figure it out. “Aaron has a cousin, his name is Nicky, he’s gay.” Neil doesn’t think this sounds like good news. “His parents disowned him or are in the process of disowning him.” Andrew sits up and runs hands through his hair. “Don’t want to spend winter with them. Don’t want to spend winter with Cass.” The way Andrew says  _ winter _ sounds like  _ life,  _ like something final. 

 

Neil suddenly is brought into the present. Time around him has weight. This is his last year. He needs a plan for navigating life. A place to land and a person to be for the rest of his life. Andrew is right, this isn’t a  _ this  _ because there is no promise of anything after school ends. He’s gotten complacent. Neil buries his face into his pillow as Andrew stands to switch off the light. 

 

Would Andrew want to make him a promise? Neil feels his heart in his throat. Having one person is like having an anchor. Is it grounding or damning? Perhaps he is drowning without realizing. Confusion rattles Neil’s mind and he tries to bury it down. God, no wonder people wish for something bigger than them to give guidance. That role of obedient servant has never suited Neil. Neil tries to remember how to serve himself. If he were to be left alone, where would he go? 

 

“I asked to be here,” Andrew says. “I agreed to do what Cass wanted and move in with Tilda with the agreement I could come here.” Neil wants to ask him if he regrets his choice. If Andrew wishes he was with one of his families instead. Family. Neil doesn’t know family. Andrew has been gifted two, his birth mother and a mother who wants to adopt him. “This is where I should be.” 

 

“Because of your brother?” 

 

“I don’t know Aaron,” Andrew says. 

 

“You’ve known him for a summer.” 

 

“I’ve known you longer.” 

 

“Does that make me your-?” 

 

“You are nothing.” Andrew is like a broken record with his taunts. They’re familiar and Neil likes hearing him repeat those same phrases. 

 

“What do you need?” Neil asks, waiting for Andrew to say he needs nothing. But Andrew doesn’t answer, not one to be cornered into wordplay twice in a night, so Neil drowns out the idea of his question by continuing to talk about school. About Matt wanting to get the lead with Dan so they can be the ultimate high school fantasy couple. How he is doing well in his classes and Father helped him submit college applications he should be hearing from. He doesn’t ask what Andrew’s plans are for the future. He doesn’t say what his plans are. Neil didn’t think he’d live to be eighteen. An adult, having to make choices in the world. Jumping from school to school was easy, eventually he’d have to find a job to hold down. He says he’s never been to a rave and Matt keeps telling him to come with the group. Neil says he doesn’t understand how to be part of that group energy because he always feels outside of it all.

  
“Abram,” Andrew says and Neil quiets, respecting Andrew’s unspoken wish of  _ stop talking _ . While waiting in the silence they both fall asleep. 


	4. Auditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> auditions man, kevin is just a drug dealer guys, let him live

Wymack stands in the center of the black box looking down at his clipboard. Then he checks his watch. “Alright, I want to make this as painless as possible so all of you get your skinny asses up here and take turns saying your lines.” There are rows of chairs lining the room on three different elevated platforms. Those waiting to audition don’t move from their seats. Neil glances back up at Andrew who is sitting in the last row looking bored with his feet propped on the back of the chair in front of him. Matt stands first and walks toward Wymack, Neil follows with the rest of them. “Today, preferably,” Wymack barks and they pick up the pace. 

 

He hands the clipboard to one end of the line with a pen. “Names,” he says, “speak now if you are only here for a certain role. According to the school board I have to cast all of you so they’ll be a spot for you in the chorus.” A quick look down the line and the male to female ratio is poorly balanced with only Matt’s recruits offering men to balance out the usual theater students.  

 

“Chorus?” Kevin asks, taking the clipboard. “Matt you said we didn’t have to sing.” 

 

“Greek chorus, you’ll be moving set pieces with a hive mind.” Wymack says and Kevin raises an eyebrow to Matt. 

 

“Oh no, he knows things,” Matt mock whispers to Neil as he passes him the clipboard. They’ve all been given the same lines, a test to see if they can handle the language.

 

“But soft what light through yonder breaks-” Kevin starts and Wymack pinches the bridge of his nose. He closes his hand asking Kevin to shut up.

 

“Oh this play is going to be a tragedy alright,” he goes to sit in the audience and finally he notices Andrew. “You are?” 

 

“Crew,” Andrew says with a wave of his fingers. Renee is at the end of the line and brings the clipboard to Wymack once she’s signed her name. Wymack grunts and faces the line he gestures for Kevin to step forward. 

 

“Go,” Wymack says and Kevin begins to read lines. Neil doesn’t laugh like Matt but he can’t stop the amused smile from forming. Kevin finishes and Wymack marks something and waves forward the next auditioner. Neil pokes his head out to look down the line. There are the familiar seniors as well as some unfamiliar drama students. He can see their displeased expressions, unhappy with the new faces as well as new director. Worried they’ll be cheated out of the roles they’ve worked for by getting on the absent drama teacher’s good side. They get halfway down the line before Wymack raises a hand to stop them. 

 

He’s getting a call on his cellphone and Matt, next to read, exhales when Wymack retreats to his office to take the call. One of the regular drama students throws her hands up in outrage. “This is not how this is supposed to go!” Dan snickers at her strained expression. 

 

“Come on Marissa, it could be worse,” Allison says. 

 

“Could it?” she seethes. Wymack has left the clipboard on the chair and Marissa races Dan to it to look at Wymack’s chicken scratch. “It’s illegible,” she groans and gives it to Dan. Dan laughs as she reads over the notes. 

 

“All I can read is his note about Kevin,” she says. “ _ Don’t let the kid speak under any circumstances. _ ” The line has broken up and those who’ve already read return to sit in the chairs. Renee crosses to Andrew to exchange words and Neil notices Katelyn looking diligently at her script. He shuffles his feet and stares at his own lines. Matt is beside him muttering under his breath. 

 

Dan keeps egging Marissa on and she is red in the face when Wymack returns. They all fall back into line except for Renee, whatever she’s saying gets Andrew riled and he storms out of the black box. Katelyn watches him go and Neil watches her watch him, she’s concerned and there’s the prickling under his skin again. Matt is saying his lines and then it is Neil’s turn. 

 

He has some of Romeo’s lines but they come out bitter and careless with an air of sarcasm. He finishes and then it’s Allison’s turn to speak and he relaxes his shoulders. Matt gives him a friendly nudge and nods his head in support. Finally they reach Renee and she speaks, just as she says her last line a short blond rushes into the black box. Except it isn’t Andrew, it’s Aaron and he crosses to Wymack and adds his name to the list. 

 

“Alright if I call your name come take these pages and be ready to read with a partner.” Wymack lists names and Marissa fumes when she isn’t called. Matt is selected though, as well as Dan, Katelyn, Allison, and Renee. For a moment Neil thinks Matt will have to rotate through the Juliets alone but Wymack nudges Aaron and hands him a script. 

 

Neil waits as they read, when Matt and Dan audition there’s an almost embarrassed act as they read through the pilgrim's hands scene. Aaron reads and Neil finds himself in shock, the words are smooth and spoken with fluency. Katelyn is drinking in the lines and making eyes at him as he speaks. When it is her turn he stares at her, his shoulders relaxed and face free of dullness and disinterest. Neil finds his own attention caught on Andrew’s brother. How Andrew could look like this, soft and full of care. Neil cannot recall a time when apathy hasn’t been carefully contorted on Andrew’s face if not replaced by a look of aggression or disgust. 

 

Matt reads again with Allison and Aaron with Renee then Wymack shuffles over to his office. “I’ll be out with the cast list in a moment.” 

 

“Sister Jo normally needs a night to think about it and posts in the morning,” Marissa says as he opens the door. 

 

“Sounds like you should be pleased I’m more efficient.” Wymack closes the door as Andrew reappears carrying two water bottles and a mesh bag. Renee strolls over to take a water from him and Katelyn’s eyes dart between the twins. 

 

“Oh?” she asks Aaron, “Andrew, I thought-”

 

“Aaron,” Aaron says and offers to return her scene papers to the stack. Her face droops a bit and Neil feels Matt jostling him. 

 

“She can’t tell them apart,” Neil says looking at Katelyn’s confusion. 

 

“I can’t either,” Matt admits, “not in uniforms. Can you?”

 

“Yes,” Neil says. 

 

“Just you and Renee then,” Matt says gesturing to silver haired Renee. Andrew is talking to her and Neil wishes he could see Andrew’s expression. “What did you think? Dan and I will be good, yeah?” 

 

“I thought you wanted to make life hell for Wymack,” Neil says. 

 

“Dan cares about the show, didn’t know she was sincere until this morning. I would be a shitty boyfriend if I tried to ruin something she cares about.” Matt knocks fists with Kevin as Kevin pulls out his huge bag. As if summoned by the sound of the zipper a group of students flock around him. Allison and Dan are digging out their wallets and blocking the view of Kevin from the office door.

 

“We’re meeting in Dan’s room on Friday,” Matt says to the others. “Renee get in on this,” he calls and she and Andrew make their way over. Katelyn is curious and follows behind them. 

 

“Get me orders,” Kevin says handing out a tattered notebook that appears to be stained by all sorts of liquids. He notices Aaron looking over pretending not to be too interested but clearly intrigued. “You’re going, yeah?” 

 

“The rave?” Aaron says. 

 

“Come,” Dan says, “Katelyn, you’re coming right?” Neil looks up at Katelyn, she looks like the last person he’d see at a rave. Not that Neil has ever been to a rave. Matt and Kevin always tried to encourage him to join but he had school as an excuse. 

 

“Yes,” she says but looks warily at Allison. “I’m invited?” 

 

“Of course,” Matt says, “you didn’t think we’d kick you out of the group just cause you bounced to Europe for three years?” Katelyn’s expression says yes when she finally looks away from Allison.    
  


“Neil is going,” Dan says, “and Andrew. We’ll have a full van.” 

 

“Friday, after lights out,” Allison says. 

 

“Wymack,” Renee says and they all take their seats. Kevin’s bag has become discrete under his chair and the notebook out of sight. Wymack has a new clipboard and only one piece of paper on it. 

 

“Sister Jo normally-”

 

“You all did very well,” Wymack says. 

 

“I so believe him,” Neil mutters to Matt under his breath. 

 

“Principle roles, Nurse is Renee Walker. Tybalt: Matt Boyd. Benvolio: Kev-” Wymack looks at the sheet and shakes his head. “Benvolio: Dan Wilds. Juliet: Katelyn Robinson. Romeo: Aaron Minyard. Lady Capulet: Allison Reynolds. Lady Montague…” Wymack trails off and looks around the room. “Marissa Lane, does your father have a video camera?” 

 

“Yes, sir.” 

 

“Lady Montague: Marissa Lane. Mercutio: Neil Josten. Everyone else will be chorus as well as various roles like Paris, Friar Laurence will be broken up amongst the chorus, and-” Wymack sighs heavily. “Lord Capulet. You’ll find those assignments listed here to look at once I’ve posted it. Now I don’t want any drama until first rehearsal tomorrow.” He tacks the paper up on the far wall and those not given a name rush to the board.

 

“So I’m not in the show?” Kevin asks. 

 

“Do you not have ears?” Dan asks. Kevin reaches up as if to check before pointing at her in a  _ you almost got me _ gesture. 

 

“Kevin you’re Lord Capulet,” one of the theater girls, Thea, calls to him. He nods. Neil looks to Matt. His expression is bummed but when he looks to Dan and sees her congratulating Katelyn he brings back his smile. Aaron looks the most stunned out of all the students. He keeps looking to Andrew in disbelief. 

 

“I didn’t know you were auditioning,” Matt calls to Aaron who snaps out of his daze. 

 

“I wasn’t going to,” Aaron says. Then he joins Dan in speaking to Katelyn who is flushed with pride. 

 

“I get to see you in a miniskirt,” Andrew leans over the back of Neil’s chair and rests his face over Neil’s shoulder. 

 

“What?” Neil asks, he furrows his brow.

 

“Haven’t you seen the movie?” 

 

“No.” Neil turns to see if Andrew is fucking with him, Andrew is always fucking with him.

 

“You’re not black though.” 

 

“Are you talking about Romeo and Juliet?” 

 

“Yes,” Andrew says and a smirk quirks the corner of his mouth. Neil elbows Matt. 

 

“Does Mercutio wear a skirt?” 

 

“What? No?” Matt says with a laugh. Andrew rolls his eyes when Neil raises his hands in confusion. Aaron stands in front of Neil like he’s an empty chair, not minding the space. Matt gets up to check on Dan.

 

“You did this,” Aaron hisses at Andrew. 

 

“Did what?” 

 

“I don’t know what you’re planning.” 

 

“Brother mine you could say  _ thank you. _ ” Aaron spares a glance at Katelyn and Neil feels like he should have popcorn. “Will you tell Mommy or should I?” 

 

“You know Luther will have a cow,” Aaron says. 

 

“I don’t care what he births, a deal is a deal.” Andrew tosses the mesh bag to Aaron. “You handle November break and I’ll play nice at Christmas.” Aaron shoves the bag deep in his pocket. “Cheer up, she’ll be at the rave too.” Aaron flips his brother off before leaving. Neil looks up at Andrew. 

 

“Let me in,” Neil says. 

 

“What’ll you give me?”

 

“Whatever you want.”

 

“Kevin doesn’t want you giving out headphones.”

 

“I can be quiet.” 

 

“You won’t need to be,” Andrew drops himself in the seat beside Neil. “We’re leaving this weekend. There’s a motel far enough away people won’t ask questions. Ah,” he holds up a finger, “you’ll be back in time for Sunday Mass.” Neil nods. 

 

“What’d you give Aaron?” 

 

“Crackers.” Andrew means Kevin’s treat of choice. 

 

“In exchange for?”

 

“I won’t pollute the Hemmick household at Thanksgiving.” Andrew drums his fingers on Neil’s shoulder. The black box is becoming less populated, Renee and Katelyn are waiting around. 

 

“Why’d he audition?”

 

“He’s a sap for R plus J. It was one of the better shitty 90s movies we watched during summer instead of talking to each other.” Andrew says.

 

“Katelyn thought you were her Romeo,” Neil says. 

 

“He’s a sap for her too.” 

 

“Andrew,” Renee interrupts and Andrew stands. He distances himself from Neil and shoots a sideways look at Katelyn as he shrugs off his blazer and drapes it over a chair. “She wants to talk to you.” 

 

“I’m busy.” Andrew kicks Neil’s shoe. “Tell her she’s wasting her time.” Neil gathers his things and Andrew presses a closed fist into his arm. “Later.” Katelyn apparently isn’t waiting for Andrew because the second Neil starts toward her she steps into his path. 

 

“You’re close with Aaron and Andrew?” 

 

“Not really,” he says because he isn’t close with Aaron. 

 

“Renee says you’re Andrew’s roommate.” Neil nods. “Would you give him this?” She presses a piece of paper into Neil’s hand. 

 

“Not a messenger,” he says but he pockets the paper anyway. “You should try the other twin, honestly, Andrew isn’t available in the way you’re wanting.” 

 

“You think they’re the same because they look alike?” she asks with a disapproving stare. Neil laughs, wondering if he should ask her the same considering her inability to spot the differences between them. 

 

“No,” he says, “not at all.” 


	5. Plain Jane Fat Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renee and andrew spar, this song title so does not fit but we ain't breaking the motif, tw for self harm scars and abuse mentions

Renee takes the first swing. The black box doors have only just clicked close and Andrew throws up his arm to deflect the blow and fire back his own. There is no warning. No feeling each other out. The two throw themselves into the sparing already at a hundred. It’s Renee who pulls a knife first and Andrew feels mania bubble up in him as he pulls his own. Knives, it’s been a while, it means Renee is pissed about something. He’s almost interested enough to ask.

 

Instead he decides to dance around the issue. “Nurse not what you were hoping for?” he says as he sweeps a leg out to knock her off her feet. The wood of the black box is more forgiving than the asphalt parking lots they’re used to but the sound is satisfying as it ricochets off the walls. Renee isn’t phased and her knife is out to cut at his ankles. He stomps her wrist. It’s a mistake because Renee rolls into her arm and drives a second knife up toward his crotch, Andrew barely has time to leap away, she’s cut a line into his pants. Christmas has come early.

 

There are rules to the fight. Only two. Fighting stops as soon as someone calls “stop” and no direct assault on each others’ knees. She’s up on her feet and at him again. Heat radiates off their bodies and with each close call Andrew can smell the perspiration beading on Renee’s skin. His own palms are sweaty and his grip tightens around the handle of his weapon. The edge of her blade nicks his cheek a centimeter too close to Andrew’s eye. Renee’s steps slow with concern. Andrew uses her pause as an opening and manages to graze her exposed arm. 

 

They aren’t trying to kill each other. She puts away her knives first, temper too hot to keep under control, Andrew follows suit. She hits him, hard, the blow lands against his solar plexus. He has a hand pulling her hair back and another to jab at her throat. She chokes a cough. A foot falls on his own and Andrew lands a hit on her ribs before they spring away from each other. The edges of Andrew’s vision blur as he hyper focuses on Renee. She has the better of four inches on Andrew so he keeps low. 

 

Renee goes in for a tackle first and Andrew sidesteps to gain leverage. They grapple until he has her pinned, her legs wrap around his waist and she throws all her weight into a backward roll. Andrew tucks his head to protect his neck. Then she’s around him, like a serpent, she kicks Andrew’s torso over while he’s stunned from the change of positions. His arm is pinned to his back and his face is ground into the wood. Renee’s knee digs into his backside. 

 

The blunt pressure snaps something awful in Andrew’s brain and he bucks her off sending her topping over his head. Something in his shoulder twinges fire. Renee is trying to gather herself but Andrew doesn’t give her a chance and his fist collides with the side of her cheek. There’s a wet pop followed by a rasped “stop”. Andrew snaps back and away from Renee. He squats and stares at her, his breathing is heavy and deep as he checks himself for injuries. 

 

Renee holds her face and doesn’t move. Andrew doesn’t apologize. Renee doesn’t ask him to. There’s a grinding pop as Renee does something with her jaw Andrew can’t see. When she looks at him there’s blood pooling in the white of her left eye. The burst vessel brings out the red in her cheek that will soon form a dark bruise. Andrew brings a hand up to his own face and pulls at the cut there, hoping it’ll bleed more to show they’re even. 

 

“I can be ready to go again if you need it,” Renee says and Andrew waves a hand and feigns a sincere reason. 

 

“I’m tired of you,” he says. She nods and then staggers over to a chair. She slumps forward as she sits and Andrew wonders if she’ll puke. The heat of the fight still hangs in the windowless room. Andrew feels like he’s moving through thick energy when he stands. Andrew grabs their waters and holds one out to her to take. Renee accepts but doesn’t drink right away. 

 

“Rough summer?” she asks.

 

“Allison not accept your marriage proposal?” Andrew counters with a low blow. Renee is unmoved, used to Andrew’s defenses. They have been sparring partners for four years. They met at a foster home before Andrew went to live with Cass and Renee started boarding school. She had tried to get him to join her but Andrew didn’t care enough about school to get a scholarship. There was no way a foster family would give ten grand out of pocket to a kid they didn’t know only to house them during the summer. Cass wouldn’t, she didn’t have the funds, even when Andrew begged to get a summer job to cover as much as he could. 

 

_ “Don’t you want to be close to family?”  _ Cass had said. In her eyes now Aaron counts as family, which means Andrew finally has an in. Now good ole, God fearing Luther is footing the bill for his education. He finally gets to be closer to Renee. Renee and his other liability of a roommate. 

 

“She isn’t talking to me,” Renee says. “Her mom threatened a restraining order. They’re super  _ keeping up with the Joneses  _ or in this case  _ Robinsons _ .” She uncaps her water and stares at the bottle like it’s an opponent to conquer. “Katelyn’s been staring at me like I have three heads each time I step foot in our dorm. I think the only reason she hasn’t told her mom yet is cause she knows I’ll be gone at the end of semester and she doesn’t want to rock the boat.” Renee takes a drink and swirls the water around her cheeks before swallowing. “Her and Matt were a thing before she left, I think being without a good Catholic boy makes her antsy. Like she’ll catch the gay bug if she stands around me or Allison too long.” 

 

“Aaron likes her,” Andrew says. 

 

“They’re so compatible, school driven and obedient. He didn’t know her before she left. She’s different now. Artificially anyway, looks like a good girl.” Renee smiles, “can’t keep her eyes off you though.” Andrew frowns in disgust. “There’s a bet on it.” 

 

“Of course there is,” Andrew drinks and ignores Renee’s long stare. Renee stands and stretches her arms out. 

 

“Did you threaten Aaron into auditioning?”

 

“No,” Andrew says. “I told him that I would entertain Katelyn’s interest if he didn’t.” 

 

“That’s a threat Andrew.” He shrugs. 

 

“He’s the idiot for falling for such an obvious lie.”

 

“Why do you care if they end up together?”

 

“He deserves something good.” 

 

“I’m not sure Katelyn is the right choice then,” Renee hums. 

 

“Your opinion is biased because you dislike her,” Andrew says. “She’s someone you can bring home to Mother.” She can be a buffer. Renee won’t be opposed to Andrew wanting to use her to keep Aaron from the wolves. “What do you do for break?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Go back to whichever home will take me,” Renee says. “Or I spend a few sleepless days in the city.” Renee looks at her nails, blunt and unpainted. “I think Neil has some arrangement where he stays at the church if you’re saying you don’t want to go home.” Andrew says nothing. “That’s only temporary though, once school is out you’ll need a plan. I’m set to start at Palmetto next year, I just have to get these last few credits and then I’m done with the care system.”

 

“College? What’s that going to give you?”

 

“It was that or military for me,” Renee says. “I think college will give me time to figure out what I want to do with my life.” 

 

“What if I don’t need anything from this life?” Andrew asks, Renee’s water bottle freezes inches from her lips, she holds his gaze. 

 

“Then I suggest you start looking for something to stick around for.”

 

“I don’t need anything.” 

 

“Sure,” Renee says. “But it’s about the  _ wanting  _ something. You get to choose.”

 

“You choose to go to this school. Is that what you want?”

 

“The role suits me,” Renee says. “I can be the pious child devoted to her religion after years of not having a home.” 

 

“You believe in all this meaningless shit.” 

 

“If this is all meaningless as you say then why not give it your entire effort?”

 

“You think we’re doing this to get to heaven or whatever paradise.” 

 

“There is power in the wanting.” Renee stands and touches the cross around her neck. “Desire either fuels consumption or creation. Where do you stand? In an endless void of depletion or atop a throne in a kingdom you’ve built stone by stone by your own hand?” 

 

“It’ll fall.”

 

“Then you keep building.”  

  
  


When Andrew gets back to the dorm it’s empty. Neil has casual clothes set out on his bed so Andrew assumes he’s at the showers. He feels like he needs one himself after the fight with Renee. She took a detour to the infirmary before retiring to her own dorm. According to the mirror on the back of the door Andrew’s face doesn’t look too worse for wear. The cut near his eye isn’t deep, it’ll take a few days to disappear completely though. His shoulder, however, feels like shit and he tries rotating it but the flare of protest tells him it’s not good. Renee had prodded him and assured it wasn’t dislocated and her word was good enough. 

 

Andrew strips off his shirt and torn slacks. He’d left his blazer in the black box but that could wait. He grabs a towel and one of the school’s modesty robes for traversing the dorm halls. No one really used them save Kevin, most thought it was because he was hiding not so family friendly tattoos on other parts of his body. Andrew doesn’t have tattoos. He has scars wrapping around his wrists and forearms. He wasn’t stupid, he’d cut them high enough that they didn’t threaten to poke out when wearing long sleeves. He stares at them when he thinks about creating new ones. Each one is like a tree ring, a reminder of time passing, another pain to take control of. Then Drake had seen them. He had ruined them. He had threatened to tell Cass about them. These aren’t for other people to see. He doesn’t want their pity. He’d stopped the day he met Aaron. The day he saw the glimmer of a chance to be out of Cass’ house and away from her hellspawn of a son. 

 

Smoking keeps his hands busy. Sparring with Renee is another outlet. He bides his time before the weekends when there are less teachers and he can lie on the rooftop. Winter is a good feeling too, feeling the cold nip his cheeks and nose. Cold air testing his skin. Alive. He gets to choose. He gets to want something. 

 

The door creaks open and Josten is humming to himself with a towel wrapped around his waist and his arms full of shower products. Of course he doesn’t have a carrying container like a normal student. Neil stills when his spots Andrew, in a fight or flight freeze. Then his face softens when he meets Andrew’s eyes and he keeps humming and carrying on. Andrew scowls at Neil’s back and presses on to the showers. 

 

When he returns Neil still isn’t dressed in clothes. “It’s later,” Neil says. 

 

“Were you promised something?” Andrew asks running a towel over his damp hair. He’d gotten dressed in the bathrooms, in sweatpants and a tattered sleep shirt. Bands pulled over his forearms to keep his scars out of sight in case people were still up. Neil’s blush extends down his neck and over the top of his chest. Even his ears are red albeit a different shade than his hair. 

 

“No,” Neil says and he starts to grab his own pajamas. Andrew stops him and cups Neil’s face in one hand. He squishes Neil’s scarred cheeks. “Does this work for you?” Neil says while looking like a stupid fish. 

 

“Dumb,” Andrew says squeezing a bit tighter before releasing him. “I said this weekend.” Neil takes Andrew’s dropped hand in two of his own. Andrew tenses, remember larger hands leading his to where they wanted to be touched. He tries to quiet that part of his mind, the part that wants to ruin  _ this.  _ Neil drops his hands though and mumbles and apology. Andrew lets out a breath. 

 

“You cut your face,” Neil says. 

 

“Now we’re twins,” Andrew says and Neil snorts. 

 

“Maybe now the others will be able to tell you two apart.” 

 

“I’m Aaron,” Andrew says and Neil grins. 

 

“No you’re not,” he says. 

 

“Yes or no?” 

 

“Yes, always.” 

 

“Except when not,” Andrew says and he leans over to kiss Neil. Their lips meet and Andrew’s mind tries to pervert this, again. He pulls away and tries to keep the disgust with himself from his face. Andrew retreats to his side of the room. He pulls out a pack of smokes. He feels around for his lighter and when he turns back Neil is waiting for him with the flame already flickering in the dimming light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you tomorrow


	6. Wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "sober? who is she? i don't know her" -Kevin Day. we getting into m stuff like drug use so heads up, party responsibly kids

Dan’s roommate does not appreciate the crowd which has gathered outside their dorm. She won’t let them wait inside because Matt and Dan smell like weed and Kevin is naked save for dark wash shorts with way too many cuts that are hazardous for close calls. There’s a hall light on a ways down and it casts shadows over them. Dan’s left the door slightly propped to give them more light but everything glows burnt yellow. They were supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago.   

 

Neil is slouched over with his hands buried deep in his sweatshirt pockets, he wishes it were warmer out. The halls aren’t as well heated as the rooms and the floor feels like it’s breathing cold air on his exposed shins. His injured foot doesn’t enjoy standing for such long periods of time. They were the latest to arrive, Andrew in all black with gaudy necklaces that Neil wouldn’t have thought he’d be caught dead wearing. Andrew couldn’t talk Neil into wearing something more appropriate and settled on dressing him in his hoodie. It smells like Andrew’s cigarettes. Neil had wrestled with the idea of leaving the boot on but it seemed like a hassle. He favors his sore foot while silently cursing the entire event in his mind.  

 

They’re still waiting on Katelyn and Renee. Aaron is fidgeting, nerves frayed at the idea of being caught. Kevin looks the most relaxed and he’s nodding his head along to nonexistent music. Kevin, Neil realizes, in fact does have non PG tattoos. He’s keeping most of them covered by his arms and doesn’t move his back away from the wall.  

 

“Katelyn’s birthday is next month, I want to get her something,” Aaron says to Allison to make conversation. “What do girls like?” 

 

“We should throw her a surprise party!” Matt exclaims, he’s wearing a costume like mesh shirt that exposes more skin than covers it. Looking at him makes Neil colder.  

 

“No,” Aaron says. 

 

“Yeah, it can be her welcome home party.” Dan whips out her cellphone from god knows where, her pants don’t have pockets, and begins texting Renee to hurry up. 

 

“You still have her mom’s number right Matt? You can hook it up with her and we’ll raid their house.” Allison starts listing things they’ll need and nudges Kevin to take notes. At least Allison is wearing a jacket like a regular warm blooded human being.

 

“Something small,” Aaron says, “nothing crazy.” He’s covered so severely Neil wonders if he has a casual bone in his body. 

 

“Aaron, trust,” Matt says. “We know Katelyn, she’ll be down.” 

 

“Why is he here?” Neil asks Andrew. “If anyone is going to snitch it’s going to be him.” Aaron can’t defend himself because he has to act like Neil doesn’t exist. 

 

“Boy’s got to live a little, if he doesn’t party in high school then he’ll OD the second he steps foot into a college party.” Kevin is pulling out what look like sugar packets and tosses them to Dan and Andrew. “I brought along some friends. Crackers still but now we have,” he pauses as if thinking of a clever name, “butter? Cheese?” 

 

“LSD?” Allison snorts. 

 

“No man, it’s like woah, and colors and there’s like a two second burn but it’s so worth it cause the ride is-” 

 

“How far away is this rave?” Aaron asks with wide eyes. “How are we getting there?” 

 

“Neil’s driving,” Matt says. 

 

“I am?” Neil looks to Andrew who ignores him. 

 

“You have the keys to the church’s van.” 

 

“We’re just going to borrow it,” Dan soothes when Neil goes pale. 

 

“If you get on Father’s bad side it’s no worries. I mean, you’re not staying with him after graduation anymore.” Matt is going to run a hand through Neil’s hair like he usually does but Andrew pulls Neil’s sweatshirt until he’s out of arm's’ reach. 

 

Katelyn appears without Renee and she looks like a different person. Makeup has shapeshifted her, she looks older and wilder. Matt whistles approvingly and Dan elbows him in the ribs. She’s wearing a leather-like skirt and fishnet stockings. She rivals Kevin for showing the most skin with her breezy top. Neil wraps his arms around himself, “are you not cold?” She has a belly button piercing and Neil’s mind slightly rearranges itself to accommodate the new information. 

 

“Are we off?” Katelyn asks. Her pupils are already blown. 

 

“Where’s Renee?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Changed her mind,” Katelyn says with a look at Allison. They have a brief staring contest before Kevin grows impatient.  

 

“Well I’m not waiting for her to change it again,” Kevin says. “Neil, Andrew, we get van.” He places a hand on both of their shoulders and begins leading them down the hall. Neil feels panic swirl in his gut. If they’re caught how badly will things turn out for them?

 

“I don’t have the-” Andrew cuts Neil off by pulling out the ring of church keys Neil keeps in his nightstand beside his old textbooks. They make their way out of the girls’ dorm building and keep to the edge of the buildings until they have to cross the parking lot to get to the church.

 

The on campus church is massive, it’s used not only by the school but by the public as well on weekends. Neil thinks for a moment Kevin is going to lead them inside but they cut around to the back entrance where the two church vans, used for field trips and shuttling elderly people, are parked. Neil tries to hand the keys to Andrew but Kevin shakes a finger at him. “No drug and drive, Neil.” 

 

Under the light of the street lamp he gets a better look at Kevin’s tattoos. He has a bunch of birds, ravens or crows, decorating both biceps. There’s a clean cease line before his elbow keeping his forearms bare. His torso is similar, with cease lines running vertically parallel up his sternum keeping the middle of his chest clean all the way down to his shorts. The tattoos are all in black, making use of the negative space. When Kevin twists Neil thinks he sees vines of some plant fucking a pair of pinup models from every angle. Except he’s pretty sure the models are male. His back has more feathers and stone roads, a scepter runs up along Kevin’s spine. 

 

The skin which is left bare is the most startling to Neil, they are exactly where mafia bosses knew to leave space so they could pass in public. Kevin catches Neil staring. “Not worth it,” Kevin says running a hand over his side. “Too much money and too much time. Started getting them when I was fourteen. They didn’t grow right and now I’ll have to get them redone or covered.” Neil nods but internally he’s wondering what kind of parents would let their child do this  _ and  _ send them to private Catholic boarding school. 

 

Probably the same kind of parents who didn’t care their son was carrying around a backpack full of schedule 1 and schedule 2 drugs. 

 

“Are you on something?” Neil asks when Andrew won’t take the keys. 

 

“He will be,” Kevin laughs and opens the sliding door of the van. Andrew grabs shotgun and Neil pulls himself into the driver’s seat. He starts the van and the sound feels too loud for the quiet night. He drives quickly and slows so the others can pile in. Andrew has been given the map and Neil finds he’s shit at giving directions. It doesn’t help that in the back Matt has engaged Kevin in a rap battle. 

 

“Don’t do that when I take you home,” Dan warns when Matt is finished. Kevin isn’t bothered and he’s going on and on about the rave and crackers and other vices they can fall into. Katelyn leans over the center console to adjust the music and Andrew leans away from her into the door. 

 

“Perfume,” he says with a frown as he cracks open his window. 

 

“Guys, guys, guys!” Dan is holding out a knitted glove that looks stretched beyond saving. She has the opening pulled wide and pieces of scrap paper are jumbled together. “Secret Santa.” 

 

“It’s September,” Aaron says. 

 

“Wrong,” Dan says, even though he isn’t. “I am in this for the long hall. There are bets. Rules, one: you have to give 12 gifts.”

 

“It’s 12 days of Christmas, not weeks,” Neil says. 

 

“We’re proud of you for knowing,” Matt says. 

 

“Two: Your person can’t discover who you are otherwise you have to do a penalty dare.” 

 

“Alternatively you could give me fifty bucks and I’ll take on your punishment for you,” Kevin offers. 

 

“Wrong,” Neil fires back, “one of you could just out someone else. You don’t know how to keep secrets. That’s unfair.” 

 

“Fine then,” Dan says, “what do you suggest?” 

 

“First rule of Secret Santa is you don’t talk about Secret Santa,” Allison says. 

 

“Got it,” Matt says, “if anyone finds out anyone then we all have to take a penalty. Team camaraderie.” 

 

“You’re just a masochist,” Katelyn says and Matt flashes a smile. 

 

“Who’s playing?” Aaron asks. 

 

“All of us,” Dan says. 

 

“And Renee,” Andrew says. 

 

“And Renee,” the rest agree. Andrew says he’ll pull hers and text her the name. They all take turns drawing and Neil is given the glove last because he’s driving. Andrew shoves it in his sweatshirt pocket. 

 

“Bad idea man,” Kevin says, “I’m not going to remember the concept of names after tonight.” 

 

“Is anyone allergic to anything?” Katelyn asks, she receives a resounding  _ no  _ in response. 

 

They drive the rest of the way with less noisy chaos while they look for the warehouse. They’re up a back road with nothing but trees and the occasional turn that could lead to an out of use factory. Kevin spots their destination first, there is a grassy lot full of cars crammed beside one another. As they drive in music already hums far away like a dull heartbeat. Kevin is out of the van before they come to a complete stop. The others clamour after him and then it’s just Neil and Andrew in the van. 

 

“Is there a plan?” Neil asks. 

 

“It’s a rave Neil.” 

 

“Who did you pull?” 

 

“Not you,” Andrew says and Neil digs the scrap of paper from the glove. 

 

“I don’t know what Renee likes.” 

 

“You broke a rule.”

 

“You won’t tell on me.” 

 

Andrew takes off one of his necklaces, a thick chain long enough to draw over his head without unclasping, there’s a pendant of a lock hanging off one of the links. Neil ducks his head forward so Andrew can put it on him. “Don’t let people step on your foot.” There’s a buzzing sound and Andrew pulls his phone out to answer the call which means it’s Renee. He doesn’t say anything and Renee talks at him. 

 

“Do we need to go get her?” Neil asks and Andrew shakes his head. 

 

“Meet you inside,” Andrew says. Neil gets out of the van and shoves the keys deep in his shorts’ pockets, afraid they’ll fall out. He wonders if he should go find Kevin and take something to calm his anxiety. He can’t see the dark warehouse from this distance and he weaves through the cars trying to catch up with Matt and Dan. Aaron is hesitating outside of the unmarked door but Katelyn pulls him along. Allison and Dan are waiting for Matt, Kevin’s pouring something into the cup of Matt’s hand. Matt snorts whatever it is and Dan kisses him afterwards. 

 

Kevin spots Neil and offers him the powder. “What is it?” Neil asks and Kevin mimes his brain exploding. Neil declines his offer. “Where do you get this stuff?” 

 

“Is there something you want? I got hookups for pretty much everything. Except DMT, we don’t fuck with that unless you gonna be inside for the night. That trip lasts fucking hours and can go so so wrong.” Kevin pockets his stash and scratches at his ribs, right over the vine tattoos. Neil keeps staring so Kevin presses a knuckle to Neil’s jaw. Neil shakes his head. “What man?” 

 

“Kind of vulgar,” Neil says and Kevin looks down as if he’s forgotten the poor guys exist in perpetual ecstacy. 

 

“Oh yeah,” Kevin nods, “they’re recent.” 

 

“Why so many?” 

  
“Uh, I’m in a gang,” Kevin doesn’t say “duh” but he sounds close to it. Neil’s face is an awkward grin when Kevin busts out laughing. “I’m kidding.” He raps Neil on his head with a closed fist. “Come on, I’ll let you dance with me.” Kevin opens the door and places a hand out. “After you,” he sings. Neil feels the thrum of the bass from inside the warehouse and it calls to him like life,  _ life, life, life.  _ He goes.


	7. A Quiet Night at Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baby chapter, pre rave ish

“I’m writing poetry,” she says.

 

“Disgusting,” he replies. Andrew presses the van’s radio button to see the time. He watches as the digital green digits flicker and change as the minutes pass. Renee’s silences don’t last as long as his.  

 

“I didn’t want to go.” 

 

“Me neither.” 

 

“Yet you’re there.” 

 

“You made a you choice.” Andrew cradles the phone between his ear and shoulder so he can pull out a cigarette. Outside he can see all the cars parked in the abandoned lot, expensive, cheap, nearly totaled, the rave has drawn every kind of crowd. Renee’s phone crackles a bit because one time she forgot to take it out of her pocket and Andrew kicked in just the right place to spiderweb crack the screen. She can’t afford a new one. He’s offered to foot the bill. Maybe he’ll make Neil gift her one.

 

“Can we spar tomorrow?”

 

“Busy,” Andrew says around the deathstick. He cracks the car door open a bit so the smoke doesn’t suffocate him when he exhales. “Doing something I want to do.” Renee knows better than to try to get more of an explanation. Instead she stays quiet and the phone crackles. 

 

“Katelyn asked about my eye,” Renee sighs. “Then she asked about you.” 

 

“You keep reminding me why I don’t like women,” Andrew says. 

 

“She’s the reason I didn’t come out tonight.” Andrew presses the recline button and let’s his seat hum back so he can prop his feet on the dashboard. 

 

“Do what you want,” Andrew says. 

 

“She said she’d snitch on us if I went.” 

 

“That would have been more entertaining to see play out.” 

 

“School would kick you out,” Renee says. “You’d have to stay with Tilda, or Cass I suppose. It would probably ruin Aaron’s scholarship.” Andrew can’t tell if she’s trying to remind him to be careful of if she’s telling him why she made her choice. “I don’t understand why she has it out for me.” Renee’s pencil lead snaps and Andrew can hear her rummaging through her pen jar for another. “Alison is warming up though, I thought tonight would have been a good time for us away from Catholic eyes. Though with the music I’m not sure we’d have gotten much talking done.” 

 

“How bad was it?” Andrew asks. He cups the end of his cigarette, feeling the heat burning centimeters from his palm. “Getting caught.”

 

“Like all the shame you’ve ever been taught to feel in your life drenching you to the bone.” Renee says, “We weren’t even doing anything- she kissed my hand- we both were told to go to confession. Be absolved. Then her parents were called in and, I don’t remember who was my guardian at the time, we were given new roommates. Well Alison was, I was left alone.” Renee sighs, “I’m top of the class. I attend every single congregation. I volunteer at every fucking drive-” another pencil lead breaks. Renee breathes and her voice returns to its usual calm. “One kiss, one careless decision and now I’m out of here come the end of January. 

 

“Did you know,” Renee continues, “Katelyn’s mother is trying to get the play pushed back to January, after break, because it could interfere with her daughter’s cheer schedule.”

 

“Now you sound petty,” Andrew says. 

 

“It’s the Alison rubbing off on me.” There’s a knock at Andrew’s window and his heart jumps but he keeps his body still. There’s a pretty face pressed up against the glass. 

 

“You’re at a rave, go have fun,” Renee’s voice is sincere and light when she clicks off. 

 

“Andrew, hey, give me a hand.” It’s Kevin and he’s carrying someone. Andrew gets out and slides the back door open for him. Katelyn is borderline conscious when Kevin sets her down. She sits upright and he reaches back into the van for some waters. He hands one to Andrew who uncaps it, she reaches for it but Andrew is drinking it himself. Kevin hands one to her and she downs half of it before she leans over like it’s going to come back up. 

 

“I’m not babysitting,” Kevin says. Andrew offers Kevin the rest of his cigarette as he slams his door closed. Kevin leans against the front of the van and Andrew joins him. “Neil is already inside.” 

 

“Did I ask?” 

 

“I guess not,” Kevin runs a hand through his hair and his body shudders at the chill of the wind. “Do you still need me to-?”   
  


“Shut up,” Andrew says. 

 

“It’s cool man,” Kevin says scratching at his tattoos, “I get it.” Kevin flares smoke out of his nose. “My offer still stands though, if he’s cool with it.” Andrew shoves Kevin away and stands in front of Katelyn. 

 

“In or out,” Andrew says holding the handle of the van door and Katelyn stands on lamb legs. There’s that perfume again, artificially citrus, it makes Andrew’s eyes water. He closes the door and she falls back to lean against it. Kevin looks back to the warehouse. “You’re going to leave her here?” Andrew sticks two fingers at Kevin’s chest, his cigarette glowing between them.  

 

“I can hear you,” Katelyn mumbles. Kevin takes a drag from Andrew’s cigarette before stamping it out in the damp grass. 

 

“She says she’ll be fine,” Kevin says. 

 

“She can’t defend herself in this state,” Andrew says nudging her head to one side to prove his point. Katelyn groans and sinks to the ground. This is not what Andrew wants to be reminded of tonight.  

 

“I didn’t even give her anything,” Kevin says. “It’s like she’s falling out of something else.” She’s fucked, and Andrew can’t stand when other people don’t know how to keep themselves safe. 

 

“Go get Aaron,” Andrew says. 

 

“Easier said than done,” Kevin says, “you’ll owe me one.” 

 

“Just do it,” Andrew snaps. Kevin starts back toward the music and yells out in frustration. “The night is young!” 

 

“Stand up,” Andrew says. She raises an arm and he pulls Katelyn to her feet. As she heaves he bends her forward to keep the vomit from splattering against the nearest car. It’s mostly water but the smell sends him recoiling. He hates taking care of sick people. Whenever he was sick when he was younger Andrew had an extra layer of fear and panic compounding whatever his illness was. When you’re ill your body won’t do what you want it to. You have to just lie there. 

 

“Thank you,” Katelyn says. “I’m sorry.” Her body shudders and she removes her top to wipe her mouth. Her bra is blue, decorated with white circles. Andrew steps farther away. She bounces back up, closes her eyes, and focuses on breathing. “I’m good now.” She acts like she’s going to head back to the warehouse and Andrew almost doesn’t stop her. Katelyn’s heel catches in the grass and she stumbles forward into him. 

 

“Walk,” Andrew snaps and Katelyn straightens upright. 

 

“Come dance with me, exy boy.” Katelyn hasn’t removed her hand from his arm. Andrew squeezes her wrist until she does. “You know, I think this is divine timing that we’ve met again.” Katelyn crosses her arms and a smile breaks over her face. Her makeup still looks perfect. “You read my note?” It was more than a note, it was a confession. It had been chucked in the trash seconds after Neil handed it to Andrew. “I’ve always imagined meeting you again,” Katelyn rubs her arms to fight the chill. “How I would thank you, I would see what kind of person you’d grown into.” She laughs but it is a kind sound. “You didn’t get much taller.” 

 

“You’re trying my patience,” Andrew says, he turns toward the warehouse and begins walking away. She’s conscious, on two feet, she can run from unwelcome advances. He doesn’t need to take care of her. Andrew has his own head to keep clear.

 

“It’s like destiny now, to meet after all this time.” Katelyn’s still following after him. “Don’t you think?” Her hand grabs his arm and he pushes her back. 

 

“Don’t touch me.” Katelyn doesn’t look offended. “You have made up some story that holds zero ground in reality.” 

 

“Bad trip?” Katelyn asks, thinking Andrew’s rejection is a side effect of one of Kevin’s drugs. 

 

“I am sober, the same cannot be said for you.” 

 

“Is this about Renee?” Katelyn asks. “Because she’s a lesbian, she won’t like you.” Andrew thinks he will hit her. Fuck principle, fuck the repercussions. “You thought I was interesting before, when we were younger.” 

 

Cheerleaders. It wasn’t about them. Andrew had wanted to knock Riko Moriyama on his sorry ass the second they started playing together. All Katelyn had done was give provocation. Neil was a tragic side effect that had come with the fight. Katelyn, Andrew doesn’t give two shits about Katelyn. If anything he should side with Renee and close ranks against her and her friends.

 

Katelyn mistakes his silence for confirmation. “I think we could have a lot of fun.” She runs a hand through her hair and smiles like she hadn’t just vomited at Andrew’s feet minutes ago. “I think you’re-”

 

“Stop speaking,” Andrew says.     

 

They’ve reached the door, it’s unmarked and propped open with a stray brick. Andrew can see the lights flickering out into the night, the music is thrumming under his skin. He can smell the crowd of people dancing, since jumping is called dancing now, behind the door. The door opens and the music and aroma explode into the night as Kevin appears with Aaron holding onto his waist so as to not get lost. 

 

“Katelyn,” Aaron says spotting her, “are you alright?” He sends a dirty look Andrew’s way and Katelyn straightens at seeing the exchange. 

 

“Yes,” she says keeping her stare on Andrew. “Let’s go dance.” She leads Aaron back into the warehouse.

 

Kevin is bouncing on the balls of his feet. He nudges Andrew out of the doorway. He pulls a metal mint container from his pocket. Andrew watches Kevin lick one of his fingers before pressing it into the box. 

 

“Party,” Kevin says and lifts his finger. There’s a pill stuck to the end. “Open up.” Andrew does and Kevin nods emphatically as he presses the pill to Andrew’s tongue. “You owe me a dance bro.” The door swings open again and Andrew makes his way into the numbing madness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you tomorrow~


	8. Rolling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We at a rave. M stuff in public spaces, just a heads up.

The ground is vibrating with the bass and Neil feels like he’s on another planet. Whatever the DJ is playing feels electric as the people around him dance wildly. Energy pulsing with the flashing lights. Glow sticks look like magic as they move in blurs. Dan and Matt had been nearby but now they’re lost in a crowd of unfamiliar faces. Out of habit Neil keeps an eye on the two doors on either end of the dance floor, exits, in case he needs to escape. 

 

At the front there’s the DJ, and those who don’t mind losing their hearing, with giant speakers shaking the earth. In the back there’s an unmarked path where people can walk without trying to weave through the ravers. A large canopy tent marks where the bathrooms begin, and there’s a line of dancers waiting constantly. The warehouse has an open second floor where the non dance side of the party is in full swing. Neil caught a group arriving with a card table, allegedly to do lines off. There’s a old thin railing lining the upper floor, Neil is certain someone is going to fall into the mosh pit from on high by the end of the night. 

 

Heat is stifling and he almost reaches to pull off his sweatshirt when he spots Andrew and Kevin beneath a glowing EXIT sign. Neil makes a beeline for them, not so gently forcing his way through the crowd. Hands brush over him as he passes, friendly greetings. Kevin is easiest to pick out because he’s taller and it looks like someone broke a glow stick over his hair because it’s glowing. He has hands on Andrew’s shoulders and they’re joining the dancers. 

 

Andrew spots Neil and shrugs Kevin off. Neil doesn’t know what he’s doing, what dancing is supposed to look like, but he’s moving with Andrew. They’re close together and the music is pulsing through his body. He’s vaguely aware of Kevin near them dancing as well. Plenty of hands reaching for his tattoos. Until Kevin reaches over for Andrew’s hands and offers to dance with him as well. This trifecta of being too close and too hot and Andrew is fine with Kevin’s hands on him, makes Neil’s head spin. Kevin knows some weird footwork that other ravers are cheering on. 

 

Neil strips off the sweatshirt and loops it around Andrew pulling him away from Kevin and further back from the density of the crowd. Andrew leans and shouts into his ear to be heard over the DJ, “are you high?” and Neil shakes his head. Andrew cups the back of his neck just as the beat roars into a deep thrum. “Yes or no?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil shouts with a nod and then Andrew is against him. Their bodies pressed up on each other, Andrew’s hands everywhere over him. Neil’s smile makes his face glow and he keeps his hands by Andrew’s face. This is not dancing. Neil leans in to kiss him but Andrew pulls his face away. Andrew takes Neil’s hands and yanks him through the crowd. They’re headed for the bathrooms but then Andrew changes his mind and then they’re climbing stairs. 

 

The second floor has less people spread out around tables, chairs, and couches. Andrew scares two girls off a folding chair and then drags it along with Neil to a far corner, out of the floor’s direct line of sight. Andrew takes his sweatshirt from Neil and lays it over the metal before sitting. His back is against a warehouse wall and Neil isn’t sure the plan as he stands facing him. Andrew pulls Neil onto his lap. 

 

Andrew’s mouth is on Neil’s neck before Neil can ask. “Fuck,” Neil says, his voice drowned out by the noise. Andrew’s hands roam over Neil’s back, blunt nails pressing through his thin shirt. Neil presses his palms against the wall on either side of Andrew’s head. His mind is reeling as he feels Andrew suck a mark above his collarbone, teeth worrying against his skin. Andrew trails open mouthed kisses up Neil’s neck until he recaptures his mouth. Neil whines as Andrew sucks on his tongue. 

 

Then Andrew is breathing a question against his lips with a hand feeling at the hardness forming in Neil’s shorts. Neil nods and buries his face in Andrew’s neck. He tries to bite but Andrew pulls him back by his hair. “Wait,” Neil thinks Andrew is saying. Andrew frees Neil’s erection from his jeans and Neil groans at the hand working him over. Then Andrew is unbuttoning his own pants and taking himself out while Neil stares in captivated stillness. Andrew leads one of Neil’s hands to wrap around the both of them. 

 

Neil’s pupils are blown and he tries to stroke them both together. Andrew’s hand is in his hair and drawing Neil’s mouth back to his neck. Neil latches on and hums against Andrew’s throat. Andrew’s breath is hot against his skin. They’re both hard and Neil tries to smear their precum to slick their cocks. When it doesn’t work he leans back and drips saliva down over them. His aim is shit and Andrew tells him so before taking his own hand and holding it to Neil’s mouth. “Lick,” he says with a flick of his tongue. Neil does and coats Andrew’s hand in the wetness while he jerks them off. 

 

Andrew swats Neil’s hand away to take over and Neil moans, his first instinct is to cover his mouth but he can barely hear over the pounding of the bass. Andrew’s hands are bigger and grip them both, the friction is divine and Neil buries his teeth into Andrew’s shoulder when Andrew squeezes the head of their cocks tighter. He strokes them, faster until Neil feels his orgasm building and he whines against Andrew’s ear. When he cums, Andrew’s name is on his lips like a prayer. 

 

Andrew doesn’t cease, and keeps rutting against Neil until he too finishes and milks them both. Neil’s breath is a fluttery thing and when Andrew raises his messy hand to Neil’s mouth Neil shakes his head. Ultimately it’s a mistake because Andrew uses Neil’s shirt to clean the fluids. He’s too drained to argue. He lets Andrew tuck them both back away and pull Neil’s dirtied shirt off. Neil has to stand briefly so Andrew can pull free the sweatshirt and slip it back over Neil to cover him. The mess of the shirt is tossed to the side and Neil watches in horror as it comes terribly close to falling over the balcony ledge. He turns to go pick it up but Andrew drag him back into a kiss and Neil melts. 

 

He’s back in Andrew’s lap with his head in the crook of his neck when Kevin shows up. Andrew fishes around in Kevin’s pocket for something, “not that,” Kevin gives a smug grin and then Andrew is holding a mint container. He pulls out a pre rolled joint and brings it to his lips. Kevin lights it for him with a lighter he swipes from a nearby table. Kevin leans against the wall near the two of them smoking something of his own. 

 

Andrew offers Neil a drag but Neil shakes his head and keeps his mouth occupied by lazily licking and kissing Andrew’s neck. “Hey Kevin,” he hears Andrew yell and Kevin leans over for Andrew to say his piece. Neil doesn’t hear him but watches Kevin walk over to Neil’s abandoned shirt. His face flushes in embarrassment at what Kevin will find. Then Kevin kicks the shirt over the side and it cascades down onto unsuspecting ravers below. Neil screams into Andrew’s neck and Andrew’s body shutters. Neil thinks Andrew might be laughing.

 

It’s not stopping. The humming of the night. The rushing sensation of joy warming him from the inside. The quirk of a smile on Andrew’s mouth Neil can see only when the lights flicker over his pale face. Goodness, this foreign peace relaxing his limbs is amazing.   

 

Kevin is intercepted on his way back over. Matt. Andrew sees him too and then Neil is promptly told to get up and Andrew is keeping his hands to himself. “Are we leaving?” Neil asks Andrew. Matt doesn’t seem to see the two of them because he heads back down without a word. Kevin comes back and slings arms over both of their shoulders. 

 

“Party’s over boys,” Kevin says. “Katelyn blacked out good this time. Best we take her home.” 

 

Piling everyone back into the van takes a couple rounds of searching to locate Dan and Allison. Neil slaps himself a couple times before getting in the driver’s seat. The energy high is making his head spin a bit. Most of his classmates pass out as soon as they’re in their seats. Kevin is the only one still awake and functioning. Aaron is slumped exhausted against the window as are Matt and Dan, Alison is a bit awake but noncoherent.

 

Andrew gives poor directions. They don’t end up back at school. Neil pulls into the parking lot he’s told to and kills the engine. “Get out,” Andrew says. Neil does and he recognizes the neon vacancy sign. They’re miles away from campus. Andrew is out with him a minute later. Kevin, inside the van, climbs over seats until he’s driver and then leaves without saying another word. 

 

It’s a motel and Neil waits outside the office while Andrew gets them a room. Neil looks around him. He can’t believe this is his life. He is existing. He is awake. Andrew nudges him along to the room and they let themselves in. “Food?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Water,” Neil says and then Andrew is out the door again. Neil watches him cross to the 24 hour 7 Eleven that’s in the same complex. He accepts the bottled water Andrew brings back for him as well as one of those shitty pastries that come from a production line. There’s one bed and Andrew moves it as soon as he gets back, turning it on its side and shoving it into the far corner so the head and one side are touching the walls. 

 

He cuts on the tv and an infomercial lights up the dark space. There is no overhead light only two lamps which now can’t be on bedside nightstands. Neil sits on the bed and sips his water, the pastry is too sweet and Andrew eats half. The plastic bag from the convenience store has more purchases but Andrew tosses it onto the partially stained loveseat on his way to the bathroom. 

 

The water in the shower cuts on and Andrew appears a few minutes later with a serious expression on his face. “I have something to show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas


	9. Best Kept Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weekend time. Tw for scars and abuse mentions

“I’ve already seen your dick,” Neil says and Andrew’s arms remain crossed. Neil’s failed attempt at humor makes him blush in embarrassment. “I thought we would be here tomorrow. Neither of us has a change of clothes or a toothbrush-”

 

“Abram,” Andrew says and Neil quiets. “Come here.” Andrew turns back into the bathroom and Neil follows him. The room’s air is damp because of steam from the overly hot shower. Water thrums against the white bathtub which seems child-sized. The mirror is fogged over with the heat. 

 

“Should I take off my clothes?” 

 

“No,” Andrew says. He sits on the edge of the tub, not caring that the water splashes at the back of his shirt as it bounces off the shower. Neil sits on the closed toilet seat. Andrew doesn’t move and Neil’s mind tries to imagine what Andrew will show him. Nothing, Neil decides, will surprise him. Maybe he wants to try a new drug, or a new position, or perhaps show off a wound he gained from his fight with Renee. Neil stares at the red kisses he had sucked onto Andrew’s neck. He absentmindedly reaches up to feel the sore marks where blood has pooled at the surface in a bruise. 

 

Andrew reaches for the edges of his armbands and Neil does his best not to flinch away. Knives, Andrew well knows, make Neil jumpy. Neil watches Andrew pull out two blades and set them gingerly on the counter beside Neil’s head. He inches away from them, the scars on Neil’s body twinge with phantom pains. Focused so intently on the knives, Neil doesn’t see Andrew pull the armbands off. 

 

Andrew’s hand on his causes him to look back. “What?” He asks and Andrew guides Neil’s hand to touch his skin. There is a roughness and Neil’s eyes dart down. Scars, Andrew has scars, self inflicted and in scratchy rings around his arm. Both arms. Neil’s fingers run over the tough skin, his other hand reaches to his own torso to feel the grooves of his own scars. 

 

“You disappoint me Josten,” Andrew says in such monotone Neil’s chest tightens, “I’m still waiting for your stupid comment.” 

 

“Can I hug you?” Neil asks, his voice tight. 

 

“Not if it’s because you feel sorry for me,” Andrew says and Neil throws his arms around him. Andrew doesn’t move and Neil has to kneel to connect their bodies. They sit like this until Andrew’s hand finds its place on Neil’s neck. Neil pulls away. “Drama queen,” Andrew huffs. 

 

“You ready for my dumb comment?” 

 

“Hit me,” 

 

He intertwines Andrew’s fingers with his. “I want us to be a this.” 

 

“He does not disappoint,” Andrew says. Neil is going to look up at him but stops when Andrew’s forehead rests on the top of his head. Andrew breathes in and Neil squeezes his hand. “Don’t you want to know?” Andrew murmurs into Neil’s hair. 

 

“Not if you don’t want to tell me.” 

 

“I don’t do it anymore.” 

 

“Okay,” Neil thinks,  _ good _ .

 

“They’re why this can’t be a this,” Andrew says and Neil’s stomach is in his throat. Scars, Neil is littered with them and he rubs a hand over his own. “Idiot, not you.” 

 

“I don’t care if you have scars Andrew,” Neil says. 

 

“I do,” Andrew says and Neil pulls away to look at him. 

 

“You don’t care about anything,” Neil says meeting Andrew’s stone cold gaze.

 

“I care about nothing,” Andrew says, and it sounds like he’s disagreeing with Neil. Neil’s chest swells and Andrew cups Neil’s face with both his hands. “Don’t look at me like that.” 

 

“Like what?” 

 

“Like I’m your-”

 

“You are,” Neil cuts him off. “You are mine. My, my person. I like us, together.” 

 

“You don’t know me,” Andrew says coldly. “I haven’t told you everything.” 

 

“I don’t care,” Neil says. “I don’t care if you don’t want to tell me about what you’ve been through right now. I don’t care if you never tell me.” 

 

“Yet you give away your secrets,” Andrew says. 

 

“I like sharing myself with you. I like that you know things about me. I will give you my one hundred and you can give me your fifty and that is fine. You can keep your secrets, I would never force you to share them.” 

 

“That’s not equality.” 

 

“It’s enough,” Neil says and Andrew’s hands fist Neil’s hair. 

 

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Andrew says and Neil closes his eyes. 

 

“I’ve thought this through and you can shut me out if you want but-”

 

“It’s not enough,” Andrew says. 

 

“I am not a liar Andrew-”

 

“I want more,” Andrew says and Neil goes silent. “I want to be more.” 

 

“You are enough for-”

 

“For you,” Andrew pulls Neil’s hair and it hurts. “Not for me.” He releases his grip. Neil folds his arms and sits back on the bathroom tile. Andrew stands and pulls the bath towel off the rod, he drapes it over Neil’s head. “You stink,” he says, “fix it.” Andrew gets a hand on the doorknob when Neil speaks. 

 

“I will wait for you,” he says pulling the towel into his lap. “Whatever you’re dealing with, I’ll wait as long as it takes.” 

 

“You’re assuming there’s an end.” 

 

“I’ll wait until forever then.”

 

“Forever,” Andrew scoffs, “what a hopeless case you are. What if I’m this way until your forever? What then?” 

 

“It will be fine,” Neil says. 

 

“Fine,” Andrew leaves him alone. Neil expects the door to slam but Andrew’s control is a careful thing. Neil strips and steps into the spray to wet his hair, first. He thinks about how the water is already turning cold as he scrubs away the scent of the rave. 

  
  


Neil Josten is a fucking pipedream. He spouts such nonsense that Andrew has to keep himself from hurling the lamps at the wall. Instead he kicks the room’s heater before cranking it to the max. Staring at his own exposed arms makes Andrew want to scream. He’s done it, Josten is in it, and he hates how badly he wants to spill the rest of his carefully guarded secrets. Andrew smokes near the window and digs his palms into his eyes. 

 

This is not the plan for this weekend. He is here to fuck Josten’s brains out, not have an existential crisis. He blames Kevin’s drugs. Kevin and his stupidly intricate tattoos and his stupidly posh appearance and his stupidly nosy disposition. There is no room in Andrew’s mind for regret. He stabs out his cigarette just as Neil is coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. It’s like he doesn’t want to be covered. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Neil says and Andrew thinks he might strangle him. “You were trying to share something with me and I decided to make this about...” Neil waves a hand. 

 

“Could you not say dumb things for two seconds?” Andrew’s tone is flat. Josten looks a nervous wreck. He keeps one hand on his towel and the other pressing into his stomach. Tracing the lines of his scars. Andrew’s mind is stuck following the trail of hair running from Josten’s navel to the edge of the bath towel.    

 

“Am I going to get a continuation of earlier or is that all for this weekend?” Neil asks. He shakes his hair out of his eyes, the damp curls heavy. Andrew crosses his arms. 

 

“You had something in mind?”

 

“You could come over here and see if I smell better.” Neil doesn’t expect Andrew to move, so Andrew finds great satisfaction in the surprised furrow of Neil’s brow as he walks toward him.

 

“I’m going to strangle you,” Andrew says, a breath away from Neil. 

 

“Promise?” Neil’s mouth is wet and warm. Andrew’s hands find purchase on his back and at the nape of his neck. He holds him there, kissing Neil so hard he can’t breathe. Neil breaks off with a gasp for air but Andrew catches his mouth again. Neil leans into Andrew, eager and Andrew pulls away. He’s looking for sureness in Neil’s eyes, his blown out pupils dark in contrast with ice blue irises. “Where can I touch you?” 

 

“Everywhere,” Andrew says and Neil’s eyes flicker, “not my ass though.” Neil nods and he pushes Andrew back. The bed hits the back of Andrew’s knees and he sits on the mattress with Neil trying to get on top of him. Neil straddles him and Andrew is stunned by how confident Neil is in his movements. He grinds down on Andrew, moving his hips and Andrew’s breath catches. This is not what he’s used to. Josten is a weight, heavy and strong.

 

“Andrew,” Neil says mouth against his ear. “What are we doing? Can we fuck? I want to fuck. Tell me you brought lube-” Andrew pulls Neil’s neck back and kisses him, he takes Josten’s lower lip between his teeth and pulls. Josten’s lips look fuller from the abuse and Andrew snarls.  

 

“Stop talking,” he says. “Condoms and lube are in the bag.” Neil reaches out a hand in a false attempt at grabbing them. 

 

“Too far away,” Neil says and Andrew wraps a hand around his throat. Josten’s pulse is a frantic rhythm thrumming against Andrew’s fingers. His hand on Josten’s throat, in this context, his mind tilts. He gives a slight squeeze before pushing Neil off and grabbing what he needs from the plastic bag. Neil has followed him and runs his hands over Andrew’s back, trying to map out the feeling of him. Andrew almost snaps at Neil. Almost tells him he needs to calm the fuck down. “Tell me what we’re doing,” Neil says in between kisses to Andrew’s shoulders. 

 

“Get off me,” Andrew says, voice even. Neil does and Andrew’s mind snaps.  _ He did it, he did it, he fucking did what I said.  _ He doesn’t realize his hands are shaking until he hears the crinkling of the plastic bag. He drops the bag back on the chair and Neil’s energy changes. 

 

“Drew,” Neil says. Andrew looks back at him, Neil, with his fucked up body and his fucked up face. Andrew turns around to face him. Josten has backed away because it looks like rage building in Andrew’s fists. 

 

“I’m going to-” Andrew breathes. What? Hit him? It’s laughable, he’s going to kick Josten’s naked ass in a motel. “Put your clothes back on.” Neil’s flush of heat is gone, like ice water has been poured over him. 

 

“Okay,” he says and ducks back into the bathroom to dress. He returns wearing Andrew’s hoodie and his shorts. “Are you-” 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew reaches for his cigarettes and Neil is at him with a lighter ready. Andrew snatches the lighter, burning his hand on the flame. Neil chokes a concerned whine. To Josten’s credit, he doesn’t make a shit comment when Andrew leaves the room to stand in the chill of the parking lot. 

 

Renee isn’t here. He doesn’t have something to punch. Part of him wants to rush back into the room. Wants to fuck Neil like he said he would. Push down the writhing part of him that’s disgusted. Disgusted and screaming. Because  _ this  _ isn’t safe.  _ This  _ is nothing, and Andrew doesn’t deserve nothing. His mind wants to throw his body on the sword, break open all of his own wounds to feel something. Pain. Something familiar. Something Andrew can deal with. Josten is not something he knows how to handle.

 

Andrew stares at his hands. Jesse had wrapped his hands around his throat, every night for eight months. Andrew couldn’t go to school without bruises around his collar. Andrew had had Neil’s pulse under his hands. There had been a split second when he imagined himself doing the same. 

 

Josten and his eagerness. His wanting. How dare he act so carelessly when this isn’t safe? Safe. Is Josten safe? Is that what Andrew is hoping for? What a cruel joke. Andrew smokes and resists the urge to put the cherry out on his arm. Safe. He stopped. Josten stopped when Andrew said so. That matters.  _ That matters.  _

 

Andrew turns the knob to the door and finds it’s locked. Some automated system. He scowls and sinks to a squat. Neil cracks the door open for him and has the good sense to make himself scarce afterwards. The tv is still blaring and Neil is doing his best to look interested in a hair brush infomercial. Andrew tosses the cigarette onto the blacktop before returning back to the warmth of the room. 

 

Neil doesn’t look up at him when Andrew walks over and picks up one of the lamps. He flicks it off and the room grows darker. The other follows and only the blue light of the television illuminates the room. Andrew stares at Neil, standing near the corner of the room like a lost child, his skin glows blue as the tv flickers. 

 

“Bed,” Andrew says. Neil perks up and spares a glance at him before staring at the single queen mattress. 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“We’re going to sleep,” Andrew says. 

 

“You want me to keep my clothes on?” 

 

“Do I look like I give a fuck?” Neil’s face says  _ yes  _ and Andrew’s mouth is a scowl. He’s in bed first, with his back to the wall waiting for Neil to make up his mind. The tv is turned off and Neil shucks off his shorts but keeps his boxers and sweatshirt on. He climbs into bed beside Andrew but stays on his back with his arms tucked into himself. 

 

“I’m sorry if I did anything you didn’t-” Andrew’s hand finds Neil’s mouth and covers it. 

 

“Stop that,” Andrew says. Neil licks his hand and Andrew rubs it back over Neil’s face. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil complains but Andrew is busy stroking the scars on Neil’s cheek. This is Josten. This is okay. “Are we alright? Did I-?”

 

“You stopped,” Andrew says, “when I said so.” 

 

“I’ve never done these kinds of things before,” Neil says, “with anyone else. I don’t know what I’m supposed to act like, what I should be doing. You always instigate things and this time I thought-”

 

“You should stop doing that,” Andrew says dragging a finger across Neil’s bottom lip, “thinking.” Andrew lets his hand rest on the bed space between them. “Or breathing.” 

 

“Have there been others you’ve been with?” Neil asks. 

 

“None as annoying as you.” Neil doesn’t take the joke well and he holds his breath. 

 

“I was surprised you let Kevin touch you,” Neil says. 

 

“It doesn’t take much to surprise you.” 

 

“He saw us, you didn’t mind him seeing.” 

 

“You assume there was something to see.” 

 

“Does this mean you want to tell people at school?” Neil asks and Andrew’s hand is back to Neil’s mouth. 

 

“Saying dumb things again,” Andrew mutters. 

 

“You didn’t answer my first question,” Neil says against Andrew’s palm. His breath is warm. “Have you been with others?” Neil turns his face so Andrew’s hand is on his cheek. “Did they not…” Neil’s face can almost be seen in the light flickering through the blinds on the window. “Did they not stop when you said no?” Andrew’s fingers press into Neil’s scars. 

 

“Thin ice you’re treading,” Andrew says and his voice is dropped back into monotone. Neil turns his head back so Andrew is cupping his mouth. He mumbles three words into Andrew’s palm. Neil’s lips press into his hand like a kiss. Andrew raises his hand away giving Neil the chance to repeat himself. Instead, Neil pulls his hand back to cover his mouth. Whatever he wishes to say is kept a secret. 


	10. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we confess that we want to get to birthday bitch already. there is warning for m things and mention of scars

Neil wakes before Andrew, he’s used to attending church in the mornings, even on Saturdays. His body’s clock has him awake at seven. He about to close his eyes and drift back to sleep when there’s a harsh rapping at the door.  _ Police _ , Neil thinks instinctually. He’s on his feet and peering through the peephole a second later, contemplating how easy slipping out the bathroom window would be. Except it isn’t police. He opens the door. A stout cleaning woman about the same height as him is swearing in another language, possibly Greek, and holding a cigarette butt in between two fingers in one gloved hand.

 

“Do not do this,” she snaps gesturing to the ground where she found it. “Use trash can.” Neil nods and swipes a hand through his messy curls. She throws the used cigarette into the large trash bag attached to her cleaning cart. “I clean your room?” Neil shakes his head. 

 

“Sorry,” but just to be difficult he says it in German. “I’m sleeping, don’t want a cleaning.” The woman huffs a sigh before dragging along her cart to the next door. Neil closes the door and locks it with the chain as well as the bolt. He tries to get back into bed gently without disturbing Andrew but Andrew’s eyes are open as soon as he presses a hand to the mattress. “Morning,” Neil says slipping back under the covers. Andrew places a hand over his mouth. He pokes his tongue through Andrew’s fingers. Andrew doesn’t pull away. “Is Kevin coming back for us?” Neil asks against Andrew’s hand. Andrew shoves two fingers into Neil’s mouth and tugs at his cheek until Neil turns his head to look at him. 

 

“You could have been choked out,” Andrew says and be pulls at the necklace that still hangs around Neil’s neck. He twists the thick chains together until the metal presses against Neil’s throat. 

 

“Forgot about it,” Neil says. “Are you feeling better?” he thinks Andrew is going to retort with some smart remark. Something about how he wasn’t sick or doesn’t need to feel anything. Andrew says nothing, his fingers go back to Neil’s cheek and then against Neil’s mouth. “You can kiss me.” He thinks Andrew will say something like  _ who would want to kiss you?  _

 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Yes,” Neil says. 

 

“Hands to yourself,” Andrew says as he get up and kneels above him. Neil tucks his hands up behind his head. Andrew draws up the hem of Neil’s sweatshirt. Neil leans forward so Andrew can pull it over his head but the fabric stays caught around his wrists and Neil uses it as a pillow behind his head.

 

Andrew, Neil discovers, is on a mission. His hands all over Neil, nails pressing lightly into his old wounds. His mouth beginning at Neil’s throat and trailing down over his chest and stomach. When Andrew grips him through his boxers Neil turns his head away to hide the flush of his face. Andrew’s teeth are dragging lines over his ribs and under his arms. 

 

It’s all slow. Too fucking slow. Andrew is not slow, he is quick and purposeful and Neil is used to it being that way. Not this. Where Andrew is taking his time and breathing in the scent of him. Not rushing to get Neil off. Letting the kisses be sucked into his skin ever so slowly Neil imagines he can feel the blood pooling under his skin. Neil lifts his hips against Andrew’s hand and Andrew pushes him back down. 

 

“Drew,” Neil says and Andrew shuts him up with two fingers pressing down on his tongue. His mouth forced open, Neil lets out a whine when Andrew finally gives his cock more focused attention. Andrew pulls Neil’s cock from his boxers, stroking the hardness to its full length. He tries to close his mouth, keep the embarrassing noises trapped in his throat but Andrew won’t let him. 

 

“I don’t want you to be quiet,” Andrew says shifting to lie between Neil’s legs. 

 

Neil’s entire body shudders when Andrew takes him in his mouth. Noise, Neil has to make noise, because trying to keep quiet is too difficult. He remembers to breathe while Andrew works him over with his tongue. “Yes,” Neil gasps. “Yes, yes, yes.”

  
  
  


They don’t wait around the motel. Andrew pays for doughnuts at the convenience store and they loiter outside on the steps while waiting for Kevin. Neil has his hood drawn, trying to hide the marks Andrew left on his neck and jaw. His face still feels hot thinking of Andrew’s mouth on him and his fingers inside him, his voice carrying out in broad daylight. Andrew looks indifferent while Neil rips off pieces of an apple fritter and packs them in his cheeks. 

 

Kevin shows up just as Andrew’s phone dies. He’s driving the school nurse’s car. Kevin looks nothing like the young man he was at the rave, his tattoos are covered by school clothes and his face protected by a large bandage. Andrew ducks into the passenger seat while Neil piles in back. Kevin says nothing outside of a good natured greeting but Neil avoids his gaze. “Back to school?” Neil asks and Kevin nods. 

 

“Your uniform is in a bag at your feet.” Kevin points to Andrew’s change of clothes as well. Neil awkwardly shuffles out of his street clothes into his uniform. Each time Kevin tries to check on him in the rearview mirror Neil throws a piece of discarded wardrobe at him. “Dorms or church? Confession has been popular amongst our peers.” Neil has finished dressing and Kevin finally catches his eye in the mirror. “In case you feel the need to repent.” 

 

“Dorm,” Andrew says and doesn’t even entertain the idea of putting his uniform on. It’s then Neil realizes Andrew doesn’t have his armbands on, Andrew’s scars are on full display. 

 

“Church,” Neil says adjusting his collar. Kevin says it sounds like a plan and when they pull up on campus Neil gets out first. He nearly bowls Matt over on his way inside. 

 

“Woah you’re alive,” Matt half cheers bumping fists with Neil. He looks tired, dark circles pull his face into a tired sigh. “What’s up?”

 

“Church,” Neil points past them and Matt nods. Neil is trying to leave when Matt catches his arm. 

 

“Hey, so like, you’re going to confession too? Like, feeling sinful after the rave, yeah?” Matt asks. Neil doesn’t nod. He’s trying to figure out why Matt is so jumpy. 

 

“Did you tell Father about the rave?” 

 

“What? No, no,” Matt says but he looks unsure. “Saw some crazy shit there though,” he says with a pointed look at Neil. “I mean last night was rough and this morning Allison got into it with Katelyn. You were smart to be wherever you were,” Matt nods. “You see anything crazy at the rave?”

 

“Not really,” Neil says. 

 

“Didn’t do anything crazy?” Matt asks lowering his gaze from Neil’s eyes. 

 

“No,” Neil says tensing his shoulders by his ears. He is suddenly aware of the red patches on his skin. His hands rub at his neck. “It was an interesting night.” Matt snorts.

 

“Right,” Neil nods and Matt runs off. Neil stands with a hand on the door. He imagines what he is going to say, what he is going to seek forgiveness for. He decides it’s none of Father’s business and instead heads back to the dorm.

  
  
  


School days pass and play practices are in full swing. Kevin is a mess of an actor, any scene with him takes ages to block. The chorus is full of bitter students unhappy with casting and each of them assigns themselves a role they will be understudy for, Neil thinks he sees Marissa stage a bucket to fall on Katelyn during break. 

 

Katelyn, she is back to being a dutiful student and making eyes at Andrew. Except now she does it inbetween talking with Aaron. Aaron's whole being relaxes around her to the point of him forgetting he must scowl at Neil if he’s going to acknowledge him. Allison is on Marissa’s side when it comes to the desire to poison Juliet. 

 

Allison apparently found out Katelyn’s mother is the one who made a call to Wymack that day at auditions. She was trying to push the play to late January as well as get Renee kicked from the cast. She got her way about show dates and Renee enjoys shaking Katelyn around while playing Nurse even more now. 

 

This is great because it means Katelyn thinks the group hates her, and aren’t planning her birthday. Neil has to play messenger between Matt and Kevin while they plan because Kevin is protesting Matt using their room to hang out with Dan. Aaron having to talk to Neil because of the play is also a sweet victory. Though Wymack has had enough of Aaron’s scowl whenever Neil says anything. 

 

“You are supposed to be friends,” Wymack scolds one rehearsal when Aaron is ready to toss his script at Neil’s head. “Do we need to have a sit down about it?” 

 

“No,” Aaron says. Then Neil says something and Aaron tosses his script to the ground and storms off. Wymack is after him waving a clipboard while the rest of the class is placing bets on how long Aaron can stay mad at Neil. 

 

“Maybe Aaron’s pissed because he got Neil for Secret Santa,” Kevin chuckles. 

 

“We should have planned it like that,” Allison says with a click of her tongue. 

 

“What’s the current wager on Secret Santa?” Dan asks. 

 

“I think Neil’s going to blow it,” Matt says, “he’ll forget about it and show up with twelve candy bars once someone reminds him.” 

 

“I could have already given a gift,” Neil says though he hasn’t. All of them had received little trinkets over the weeks. A stuffed animal in a locker, a chocolate bar tucked into a script. Neil had received two gifts. One was practical, a tie, the other, a tiny figurine of Jesus wearing shades. Andrew had been the gift bearer of each, sworn to secrecy.

 

“Sure,” Matt says. “Come on, ‘ _ tis no wit to go _ ,” Matt says and Neil realizes he’s stepping in for Aaron so the chorus can practice their movements for the Queen Mab scene.

 

“One second,” Neil says, “water,” and he ducks out into the hallway. Aaron and Wymack are just around the corner talking in hushed voices. 

 

“Aaron, I can’t help you if you won’t let me.” 

 

“I told you I don’t have a problem with Josten.” 

 

“You haven’t said a civil word to him a single time at rehearsal,” Wymack says. “I’m not asking you to make each other friendship bracelets but at least act professional and practice your lines.” 

 

“My uncle doesn’t like that I’m doing this show. My mother agrees with him,” Aaron says. 

 

“And that’s Josten’s problem how?” 

 

“It isn’t, it’s just-” Aaron sighs. “If you knew my situation you’d understand.” 

 

“What I understand is that your brother has shown up in your life for the first time in your life and now you have to attend school with him. Whatever rivalry you two have was brought about by Neil introducing the two of you a while ago. Is that your situation?” Wymack says. Aaron doesn’t shake his head. “Your uncle not like you being in the show because why? Worried you have to compete with Andrew to be the smarter twin? Because even though I don’t know him that well you both-” 

 

“No,” Aaron says, “you don’t…” Aaron trails off. 

 

“Eavesdropping,” Andrew says and Neil jumps at the sound. Andrew hits him upside the head as he walks around the corner to fetch his brother. “Let’s talk brother mine.” Neil hears Andrew say and then Neil is face to face with Wymack. 

 

“Finish your scene,” Wymack says and Neil retreats back into the black box.


	11. Portrait of a Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter before birthday bitch, meaning the chap before shit gonna start going down

It was a stupid bet and, according to Renee, Andrew wasn’t allowed to bet on himself. He would be rich otherwise. Andrew is sitting across from Katelyn reading the script while she draws. Wearing his school uniform he looks like his brother and she treats him like she treats Aaron. Detached and polite when they meet eyes, but not the usual eye fucking she gives Andrew.

 

Renee thinks Katelyn will only realize the truth once he says something. Allison thinks sending Neil and Aaron in will be a sure giveaway. Cue the beginning of rehearsal. Weeks of rehearsing with his brother, Andrew thought Katelyn should at least have some sense by now. Marissa is managing everyone before Wymack arrives trying to get Kevin to his mark, he’s too busy chatting up Thea. His bandage is peeling off and Thea is interested in what else he’s hiding.

 

Neil is actually talking to Aaron when the both of them walk into the black box. Well, Neil is talking, Aaron is staring straight ahead like he can’t be bothered. Andrew watches Katelyn’s body shift when she thinks she sees him. Like a longing or an eagerness takes over her. Aaron walks up to Katelyn, something Andrew never does, but she still doesn’t catch on.

 

“What are you drawing?” Aaron asks Katelyn, she fumbles with her paper to turn it around and show him.

 

“Ideas for like, the poster or program,” she says.

 

“They look good,” Aaron says though he’s looking more at Katelyn than the drawings. Andrew doesn’t understand Aaron’s mindset. His desire to pine after someone who isn’t interested. Not to mention Aaron’s tragic obsession with finding a girlfriend. Because that’s what Aaron wants, Andrew knows, he’s seen Aaron’s blog among other sad things existing on Aaron’s computer. It’s also how he knows how much Aaron despises his mere existence. 

 

“Thank you,” Katelyn says. Aaron nods and digs his hand into his pocket. 

 

“Secret Santa gift for you,” he says holding out a carefully wrapped package smaller than his fist. Katelyn accepts the gift, she opens it with precise hands, taking ages to unfold the paper. Inside there is a ribbon, something with lace to be tied in the hair. Lots of the cheerleaders wear them and Neil had been given one as a joke gift from his Secret Santa. 

 

“How sweet,” and she ties it to her ponytail immediately. Her gratitude is genuine. “Tell them I love it.” Aaron nods and swallows. Katelyn offers him a seat next to her but Aaron just leans against the table. He stares at the pictures she’s drawn, Romeo and Juliet represented in different symbols, one is just drawn shadows representing Aaron and Katelyn. “How do you think the show is going?” 

 

“Oh,” Aaron coughs and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I think it’s alright.”

 

“I’m a bit all over the place,” Katelyn says. 

 

“No, you’re fine, good. Not the worst I’ve seen,” Aaron says. Andrew rolls his eyes at Aaron’s incompetence. Katelyn is all smiles though. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving break?” 

 

“Probably going to drink myself into a coma, it’ll be the first one mom tries to pull together by herself.” Katelyn gathers her drawings and tucks them back into her sketchpad. “It’s kind of an open secret my parents are recently separated.”

 

“I didn’t know that,” Aaron says. 

 

“Yeah, too busy listening to Allison curse my very existence.” 

 

“That’s just Allison.” 

 

“How’s Renee? She likes berating me in and out of character.” 

 

“I don’t really talk to her,” Aaron says and this pleases Katelyn greatly. 

 

“You and Neil get along?” 

 

“Who?” Aaron jokes and he smiles, she leans on her hand grinning back. Then Neil decides to burst the bubble. 

 

“Andrew, you said you’d help me and Matt with fighting stuff.” Neil is holding one of the fencing swords out to Andrew. Andrew looks up to Neil and takes the handle. He keeps his face neutral as Katelyn looks between him and Aaron like it’s a table tennis match. Aaron doesn’t notice her disappointment but Neil does and he sticks his tongue out at Katelyn like a child.

 

They have all chosen sides. Neil is on Allison’s frontline against Katelyn. Aaron tries to continue his conversation with Katelyn but she excuses herself. Andrew reminds himself to tell Allison to collect her winnings. 

 

Matt clinks swords with Neil in greeting. Matt is another who is getting on Andrew’s nerves. He keeps hanging around their dorm wanting to talk to Neil. Neil talks to him about the school’s exy season and how the cheer team misses him and wants him to hang with them on the weekends. Matt also likes touching Neil, his hair, his shoulders, his waist. Matt is also a giant of a human and Andrew would like to smash his kneecaps. 

 

The greatest offense was when Neil was in Andrew’s bed, and Matt decided to barge into their room. Neil had enough time to be wearing pants before he entered, but still, it didn’t go over well with Andrew. Now Matt has a thin line of a reminder cut over the back of his hand. Neil and Matt had made a fuss but it doesn’t matter. The mark will fade. Now Matt knocks. 

 

Matt is also the swing vote in the Allison and Katelyn feud, he and Dan won’t take sides. Which means, as far as Andrew is concerned, enemy. “Wait,” Neil says, “I’m not offbook and I left my script in my locker.” 

 

“You can borrow mine,” Matt says. 

 

“Go get it,” Andrew says to Neil in German. 

 

“Give me like five minutes,” Neil says before passing off his prop weapon and running out. Andrew stares at Matt and Matt’s unsure hands holding two swords. 

 

“Neil said you’d give us fight choreography,” Matt says. Matt sets the swords down at his feet. Andrew crosses his arms and holds himself straighter as Matt says, “did he like the gifts?” 

 

“How should I know?” Andrew says. Matt is sending shittily wrapped presents as Neil’s Secret Santa and Andrew humors him enough to play deliverer. 

 

“Like, what was his reaction?” Matt asks. “Was he happy or annoyed? Did he think the ribbon was funny or stupid?”

 

“All of the gifts are stupid,” Andrew says. “The whole idea is pointless. Why would he need useless shit?” Matt keeps a smile despite the nervous fidgeting of his fingers over the tops of his pockets. 

 

“Well what does he like?” 

 

“I don’t fucking know,” Andrew says with near no inflection in his voice. Matt runs a hand through his hair before holding it out at Andrew. 

 

“You should know, you’re his roommate. You guys spend most of your time together. You’re easily Neil’s closest friend-”

 

“I hate him,” the words slip out because Andrew is used to saying it about Neil. It’s true. Matt’s smile vanishes and he looks almost angry. 

 

“You have a shit sense of humor.” Matt waits for Andrew to show he indeed is joking. When it doesn’t happen Matt throws up his arms. “What the hell man? He begged me to switch rooms so you guys could room together. He said you guys were friends-”

 

“We’re not,” Andrew says and Matt’s brow becomes a furrowed line. 

 

“You- How can you say things like that? Neil is a good person and you-” Matt shoves his hands deep in his pockets. “You both…” Andrew thinks he catches the word “rave” but Matt is mumbling. Matt clears his throat, “whatever, you just don’t need to be rude to everyone all the time.” 

 

“Tell me Boyd, what  _ you  _ think I should be doing.” 

 

“You shouldn’t be teasing Katelyn like that.” 

 

“It’s not my fault she doesn’t have a functioning set of eyes.” 

 

“It hurts Aaron too, not that you care or give a shit.” 

 

“Stay out of my affairs,” Andrew says. “They don’t concern you.” 

 

“I care about them, they’re my friends. I don’t want you treating Neil or either of them like shit. They don’t deserve it. Renee, what you did to her face, is that friendship to you? You smoke more than Kevin. And Neil, after what he’s been through-”

 

“Don’t tell me what Josten has been through,” Andrew scoffs. “You think you know, you don’t know.” 

 

“He doesn’t need some fuck up like you to deal with.” 

 

“Should we hire Kevin to watch him then? He seems less a fuck up than me. Or were you going to suggest yourself? I’m sure your heroin addiction is the exact shit he should be dealing with.” Andrew’s words are venom and Matt’s hands ball into fists. Andrew thrusts the sword handle toward Matt. He’s feeling hot for a fight when Neil returns. 

 

“What happened?” Neil asks in German. 

 

“Nothing,” Andrew says in the same language. 

 

“Matt looks like he’s going to hit you.”

 

“I thought we were preparing for a fight.” 

 

“Not a real fight,” Neil picks up the swords and hands one to Matt. In English he asks, “are we good?” Matt gives a curt nod and Andrew sits himself back in the audience. Matt and Neil play at sword fighting and Andrew’s eyes are on Neil’s neck. Idiot still hasn’t taken off the necklace from the rave. Thinking on it, Josten has more useless shit from Matt than he does Andrew. Knowing Josten didn’t throw Andrew’s shit away and cares about it more than Matt’s helps him cool off.

 

Wymack finally arrives and orders them in line. They run through the third act as best they can and Andrew watches Neil stumble through his lines. His brother Aaron trying to stop him from being a fool and Matt killing him. Neil talks too much, Andrew thinks, before finally dying and cursing the both of them. He lies on the ground and Dan pretends to weep over him while Neil taps her knee playfully. “Be dead,” she snaps at him when Neil makes her laugh. Neil does not close his eyes and instead looks around the room to find Andrew’s gaze. 

 

“I’m dead,” Neil mouths while Wymack directs Matt and Aaron on how to react. Matt will not stop glaring at Andrew. Katelyn will not stop trying to catch his attention. And Neil is pretending to be dead with a smile on his face.


	12. Birthday, Bitch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> also titled: Neil is an unreliable narrator when he's lifted tw not really consensual drug use (? i don't see weed as like a real drug ?) but like he ain't mad at it

November begins and wars are put on hold because it is Katelyn’s birthday. Half of them them are gathered in the school nurse’s car on their way to Katelyn’s house. Andrew, Neil, and Kevin all sit together for the twenty minutes it takes Kevin to drive to the posh side of town where Katelyn’s huge home sits. When they arrive Dan and Aaron are dutifully putting up streamers and setting out food. Matt is talking with Katelyn’s mother who has one hand around a glass of chardonnay and another on Matt’s chest. 

 

“Mrs. R, when did you say Katelyn would be back?” Matt asks. Mrs. Robinson grips Matt’s bicep and says she isn’t sure. 

 

“Kevin, help me,” Dan says holding out a phallic shaped something, a horrid looking pink color. 

 

“What is that?” Neil asks. 

 

“It’s a pinata Neil,” Dan says. Kevin offers her a hand so she can hang it from the top of the stairway banister. Mrs. Robinson is laughing about the dick pinata and Neil gives Matt a concerned look as she leans into him. Matt side steps her and offers to help her to her car. They go as Renee enters. 

 

“She’s going to be here in five minutes,” Renee is holding a plate. 

 

“Where are the cups,” Kevin asks as the dick smacks him in the face. 

 

“Katelyn’s mom is okay with this?” Neil asks and Renee laughs. 

 

“She’s been on a drinking binge since she found out her husband decided to go to Maui without her.” There’s a clatter from somewhere in the kitchen. 

 

“Cheerleader friends,” Dan says when Neil asks. He’s excited because he hasn’t seen the team in a while. He and Renee make their way through the living room to the kitchen. The squad are sitting on granite countertops in their cheer uniforms. The only remaining male member since Neil dropped out, Jeremy Knox, looks relieved to see new faces arriving. Neil recognizes a couple familiar faces but there are new recruits as well. 

 

“Space cakes,” Laila says spotting Renee’s plate. She and the others crowd around. 

 

“Mary Jane made brownies,” Renee says and the girls feed each other the chocolate. Neil takes a couple for himself and Andrew. He tries one and is surprised how good it is, not super sweet like chocolate normally is, there’s some herbal taste that cuts through to balance it out.

 

“Who made these? These are good,” Neil says deciding to eat the remainder of his handful.  

 

“Does he know?” Janie asks Renee. 

 

“Neil,” Jeremy says bumping fists. “How’s your injury?” 

 

“Better,” Neil says.

 

“You went AWOL, we haven’t seen you for months.” 

 

“I’ve been around,” Neil says. 

 

“Guys we have to hide,” one of the girls say and Neil is dragged back into the living room and they all crouch behind the family’s giant couch. 

 

“What’s happening?” 

 

“Shut up Kevin.” 

 

The front door opens and closes. Dan gives the go and all of them jump up with a giant “surprise” Katelyn’s face goes goes slack with shock before breaking into a huge grin. The singing begins and Neil realizes how terrible they all sound. Someone starts the music on the Robinson’s giant sound system and then the lights change into something dimmer as people decide to break off and raid the liquor closet and food tables. 

 

Dan takes Neil’s arm and they meet Katelyn in the hall. “Happy birthday,” Dan says and Katelyn’s mouth is a crooked line. 

 

“Thank you,” 

 

“Aaron planned the party,” Dan says as the mentioned twin arrives. 

 

“No, a little,” he mumbles. 

 

“That’s so sweet,” Katelyn says, she looks unsteady on her feet. 

 

“She’s loaded,” Aaron frowns. 

 

“You said to keep her busy,” Allison says twirling car keys around her finger. “Come on Kate, let’s party.” Aaron follows them away and Dan gets a good look at Neil. 

 

“Want to dance?” she asks and Neil shrugs. He dances with the girls and when the team challenges him to remember their old routines he and Jeremy make a competition of it. It ends with Neil shouting the school fight song at the top of his lungs and nearly tripping over the karaoke machine Laila is trying to set up. 

 

“He’s going to break something again,” Matt says pulling Neil off his feet as he relocates him. Neil is dropped off on a couch beside one of the twins. He’s laughing because they still wore similar outfits, even without the requirement of uniforms. Aaron, Neil can see is dancing with Katelyn so he leans on Andrew. 

 

“I feel really good,” Neil says. 

 

“Renee said you ate nearly half her plate,” Andrew says. 

 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t have like them. Not sweet enough, there was like nutmeg or something that made them so-” Andrew stands and Neil catches his hand. 

 

“Pot brownies,” Andrew says as Neil pulls him back down to the couch. 

 

“Can I touch you?” Neil asks, hands hovering, and Andrew sighs his resigned approval. Neil lets his fingers draw lines in loops around Andrew’s shoulder. His eye catches Kevin trying to help Jeremy reach the pinata with an impractically short stick. It’s most likely the handle off a broken ladle. He starts laughing and it’s a burst of a thing spreading throughout his entire body. 

 

“Yeah?” Matt asks as he passes by and Neil nods unable to say words. He points at Kevin and Matt assists them in trying to reach the dick. 

 

“I wish,” Neil says to Andrew, “your pinata were that big.” 

 

“I’m going to kill you,” Andrew says taking Neil’s hands off of him. Neil adjusts to face him. 

 

“It can be like the rave,” he’s about to throw a leg over Andrew when Andrew pinches his thigh sending Neil crumpling in laughing pain. 

 

“This is not a rave,” Andrew says. Neil nods but then shakes his head. He leans into Andrew’s shoulder. 

 

“I don’t care who sees, I want to kiss your face.” Andrew humors him as Neil presses a finger against Andrew’s cheek. “Andrew,” Neil says. He doesn’t say anything else. 

 

“What?” Andrew asks not looking at him. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil says again because he likes how Andrew’s name feels in his mouth. Andrew says nothing. “Andrew,” Neil says again and finally Andrew twists his neck to look at him. “I love you,” Neil says and he exhales a laugh when he’s finished saying it. He is not met with the glorious warm reception he feels he deserves. Instead Andrew’s attention is diverted when Kevin waves him over to help with the pinata. 

 

“You can kill things,” Kevin says and Andrew has to stand abruptly to catch the plastic, flying toward Neil’s head. Andrew places a hand on Neil’s head, shoving him back against the couch as he goes to meet with the others. Neil can’t help his face looking so miserable. Allison notices and takes Andrew’s place on the couch. 

 

“Did he hurt your feelings?” Allison asks like she’s talking to a child and Neil doesn’t know if he’s nodding or shaking his head. Just that his head suddenly feels really heavy for his neck. “You want to play Spoons with us?” Neil watches as the room transforms around him. Someone has pushed a coffee table in front of the couch. The pounding sound of music becomes more relaxed and quiet. Neil feels someone trying to pull him from the couch but he is a stone that will not move. 

 

“He weighs nothing,” he hears Matt say and then Neil is in the air while sitting and it is mind blowing. The couch is set back down and everyone is gathered in a circle. Renee pulls out two decks of playing cards and shuffles them together. Allison is on Neil’s left and Matt on his right. 

 

“What are we doing?” Neil asks as cards are placed in his hand. Allison explains the rules to him and then Matt explains them again. Neil thinks they’re playing two different games. Andrew and Aaron aren’t in the circle of people playing, Katelyn isn’t either. 

 

“Just move the cards around,” Matt says and Neil thinks there’s a pile of shiny treasures in front of him on the table. 

 

“Non elimination,” Allison says. 

 

“Stripping,” Kevin says, half joking, “loser strips.” 

 

The game begins and Neil tries to focus. He gets cards from Matt and sets them beside Allison. Janie keeps trying to tell Neil he’s supposed to look at them but that doesn’t make sense. Suddenly there’s a flurry of hands and the silver treasure is gone. 

 

“Neil,” Allison says, “you have to grab a spoon otherwise you lose.” 

 

“Right now?” 

 

“No, you already lost the round,” Matt explains. Neil nods and starts to take off one of his socks. “Neil what-?”

 

“Kevin said we strip if we lose,” Neil says. “Oh, we’re playing poker!” He’s played poker before at one of the dorm game nights. It was with some of the older students who’d graduated. Maybe his brain just forgot about the spoon part. The spoons are returned to create a treasure pile and they play again. This time when Laila grabs a spoon Neil tries to get one for himself. Janie beats him to it. He loses another sock. 

 

Third round though, third round Neil catches on. He elbows Matt in the gut before going for a spoon. Neil’s celebrating and cradling the precious spoon against his cheek while Matt removes his jacket. Allison tries to take the spoon from him, he feels something like crying building inside his throat. “Neil,” Renee says in her sweet voice, “we have to put it back. You can pick one up next round.” 

 

“Okay,” Neil says but it is  _ not  _ okay because he misses the spoon. Matt blocks his attempt and Neil loses again. Matt helps Neil untie the ribbon holding his hair back, he’d forgotten that Jeremy had tied it in his hair before their cheer off.  

 

“Alright, we’re not letting Neil suffer alone,” Jeremy says and he removes some of the silver from the pile so there will be three losers instead of just one. It makes the grab for the table even more intense each time. Allison is a true ally because she secures Neil a spoon for the next three rounds. 

 

Then he doesn’t have a spoon and he doesn’t have any more socks. “Shirt,” Allison says. 

 

“Wait,” Kevin says, he’s not wearing a shirt and Janie is trying not to stare at his ink. Allison’s hand is at the hem of Neil’s shirt to help him pull it off. 

 

“I can take one for the team,” Jeremy says, he’s not lost a single sock. 

 

Neil shakes his head and pulls his shirt over his head. There’s a near collective gasp from the girls and Neil furrows his brow. They had cheered when Matt lost his shirt but this was different. “What?” Neil asks and he suddenly is checking himself for hickies he may have forgotten about.  _ Shit, shit, shit.  _

 

There aren’t any. The girls are seeing his scars for the first time. “Oh,” Neil says and ducks his head. A hand claps the back off his neck, it’s Matt, and he’s trying to get the game going again. The cards begin again and Jeremy makes a big production of losing and demanding they play something else. Matt bundles Neil in his discarded jacket while Laila clears the table. 

 

Andrew appears behind the couch as the music returns to eardrum destroying volume proportions. Neil stands on lamb legs and climbs over the back, he nearly leaps into Andrew’s arms as he stumbles down. “Dance with me,” Neil says and Andrew hauls him by the back of his jacket into the kitchen. 

 

“What is wrong with you?” 

 

“I think we should dance,” Neil says reaching out. 

 

“No,” Andrew says and Neil’s hands immediately shove themselves deep in his pockets, away from Andrew. 

 

“I want to just love you,” Neil says with a smile lifting his face. 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew says. 

 

“I don’t care if they know.”

 

“Stop being like this.”

 

“Like what? Happy?” Neil asks with a snort of a laugh. Andrew’s face says  _ yes  _ and Neil’s stomach feels like a stone. Andrew stares past Neil. “Don’t go. I’ll stop talking.”

 

“Hey,” Aaron interrupts and Andrew stares at his brother. Neil turns around and the other Minyard also won’t meet his gaze. “I need to talk to you.” 

 

“Upstairs,” Andrew replies and Aaron disappears. Neil pulls his hands from his pockets and wraps his arms around himself. 

 

“You’ll talk to him,” Neil says. “Does he not get vague answers and a  _ you get what you get _ speech?” 

 

“You were the one who said they’d wait.” 

  
“Do you even want me to?” Neil asks. Andrew walks past him without a reply. Neil curses himself for the fog clouding his mind. He can’t think, his mouth is going to get him in trouble. There’s a patio out back and Neil decides to clear his head. The night air is cool and Neil is grateful for Matt’s jacket. He keeps hearing the girls’ gasps and seeing Andrew’s scowl at the mention of anything to do with Neil.  _ Waiting,  _ Neil says to himself,  _ this is waiting. _


	13. One Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tragically the kiss belongs to who it does

Andrew doesn’t hear what Aaron is saying. Love, Josten had said the word love. It’s about Christmas, Aaron is saying something about winter break and who all will be there. Josten high is a fucking tragedy. He can’t even fathom how his train of thought gets to the station it ends up with.

 

Andrew is a second away from snapping at Aaron when Katelyn knocks. They’re standing inside a bathroom, the door open. “You boys need anything?” Katelyn asks. She’s looking between them. Andrew scowls while Aaron’s expression remains neutral. 

 

“No,” Andrew says but she doesn’t go. 

 

“Let’s go dance,” Aaron says to Katelyn. She nods, then their faces fit their names. 

 

“Later,” she says changing her mind, “can you go find Kevin for me?” Andrew turns to leave. “Aaron can find him,” she says and it’s like she’s punched him. She can tell who is who, and she wants Andrew to stay. 

 

“Yes,” Aaron says, “Aaron can.” Andrew leaves while Katelyn’s wasted mind tries to catch up. Finding Kevin proves to be more difficult than he thought it would be. He isn’t with the others dancing or zoned out on the couches. He asks Dan but she can’t even keep track of Matt who’s slipped out. Josten is nowhere and Andrew doesn’t focus on it. He finds Renee making out with Allison behind one of the bathroom doors. 

 

Allison’s foot kicks the door closed once she sees it’s only Andrew. Andrew opens the door again. “Where’s Kevin?” he asks and Renee holds Allison back when she looks ready to fight him. 

 

“I think on the balcony upstairs,” Renee says, “overlooking the pool.” Allison pushes the door close and clicks the lock into place this time. Andrew takes the stairs back up which means he has to pass by his brother again. Katelyn is still blocking him in by standing in the doorway. 

 

“Come on, I’m the Birthday Girl,” Katelyn says. “Grant me a wish.” 

 

“Like what?” Aaron asks. 

 

“I want to kiss you,” Katelyn says. 

 

“No, you don’t,” Aaron says and Andrew can see he’s staring in the bathroom mirror. Katelyn is mumbling how he’s wrong. Katelyn leans against the doorframe and she notices Andrew. 

 

“Aaron,” Katelyn says and Aaron looks at her, she smiles. “I want to kiss you, Aaron.” Andrew doesn’t stick around to watch and presses on to the master bedroom. Matt is leaving with a bottle in arm. There’s a pair of french doors left open and Andrew can see Kevin leaning over the edge of the large balcony looking below. 

 

“Kevin,” Andrew says and Kevin leaps back from the edge. 

 

“Andrew,” Kevin raises a fist and they exchange greetings except he doesn’t slip Andrew anything during. “What can I get you?” 

 

“Nothing, Katelyn wanted to see you.” 

 

“Oh,” Kevin says and Andrew pushes him back when he tries to leave. 

 

“Not anymore,” Andrew says. He pulls out a cigarette and Kevin flips open a lighter for him. “How did you get the nurse’s car?” 

 

“She lets me borrow it,” Kevin says, “I’m her weed dealer.” Andrew doesn’t blow smoke over Kevin but he considers it at length. Kevin rests his head on the ledge. “She’s also kind of my Step Mom.” He breathes and stands upright. Kevin is half a mystery to Andrew. The half that wants to blow Andrew is not lost on him. It’s the tattoos attached to such a posh face that gives Andrew pause. 

 

“Matt says Aaron’s situation is pretty fucked at home,” Kevin says. “Says he’s been to the house, just once, his mom is a piece of work.” Kevin laughs but his knuckles are white when he balls his fists. “Do you know about that? Like, Renee has been in foster care too. I know it isn’t- Do you get along with your family?” 

 

“I hate that word,” Andrew says. 

 

“Me…” Kevin can’t bring himself to say  _ too _ . “I haven’t met someone who knows what I’m talking about. They don’t get it.” 

 

“You’re saying a whole lot of nothing, Day.” 

 

“Wymack is my dad,” Kevin says, “birth dad. I’d been living with my mom and her business partner before high school. They were…” Kevin laughs instead of finishing. “They had good connections. Now I have good connections, you just let me know what you want.” Kevin rolls up his sleeves. “These I got when I heard Mom was sending me to boarding school in the states. Her business partner beat me to hell when he found out, he made sure the school was Catholic. They wanted to use me as an excuse to visit the U.S. and broker deals.” 

 

Kevin scratches at his queen tattoo. “My mom, she pulled in a favor with Wymack, something like  _ I’ll tell the church about your bastard son unless you put in a good word for him _ .” Kevin leans back against the rail. “You understand though. You just found out about Aaron and it’s like  _ woah, here’s this whole other life I could have had.  _ I don’t know about where you came from, but I can guess, you have scars.” Kevin pulls his mintless mint container from his pocket. He fiddles with the lid, moving it back and forth on its hinges. “It’s hard, because I want my mom to like me and see me as her son. She’s my mom. But then Wymack, Wymack’s wife doesn’t beat the shit out of me. What a low standard it is.” Kevin’s lid snaps and he tosses it and the contents over the side of the balcony. 

 

“The fuck?” Andrew hears below. Kevin moves to stand beside Andrew, leaning his forearms on the rail, shoulder near touching Andrew’s. 

 

“Matt and Neil,” Kevin notes pointing at the figures below. 

 

“What do you think I can help you with, Day?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Do you think we have to be like our families?” Kevin’s forehead is pressed to Andrew’s shoulder. “Do we have to pick a side and cope with whatever that choice comes with?” 

 

“Want something,” Andrew says. 

 

“I do,” Kevin says meeting Andrew’s eyes. “I want someone to just take the choice from me. I want to just be free of the burden of choosing.” 

 

“You’re looking for an excuse,” Andrew says and he can’t help the smoke curling around Kevin’s face. “Be your own answer.” 

 

“Will you help me?” Kevin asks. 

 

“What do I get in return?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Anything,” Kevin says, “if you can help me get sober, I’ll give you anything you want.”

 

“This is a deal,” Andrew says. 

 

“Yes,” Kevin says. 

 

“Fine,” Andrew pulls his cigarette from his lips and presses it out on the edge of the rail. Kevin smiles, all perfect teeth, and runs a hand through his hair. His shoulders relax into relief. Andrew leaves him on the balcony as he heads back into the house. 

 

Aaron is alone in the bathroom, back to staring at himself in the mirror. “She thinks kissing me will make you jealous,” Aaron says looking at Andrew through the mirror. 

 

“Are you wishing our face wasn’t so popular?” 

 

“My face,” Aaron says, “this is mine. I shouldn’t have to share it.” 

 

“Should I get a nose ring?” Andrew says without energy. 

 

“Why does she have to like you?”

 

“Why do you care about her?” 

 

“None of your business,” Aaron says. 

 

“You could move on, your desperation hasn’t been useful thus far.” 

 

“Get a face tattoo like Kevin, then I won’t have to deal with this stupid-”

 

“Shave your head,” Andrew says. There’s a moment before Aaron starts looking under the sink in the cabinets. He wonders if Aaron will have a successful find as he heads for the stairs. 

 

“Andrew,” Aaron calls and he stops. His brother finds him. His anger has waned and instead there’s a piteous look in Aaron’s eye that Andrew hates. “I wanted to tell you something.” 

 

“Tell,” Andrew hums. 

 

“It’s about Mom,” he says, “and Luther.” Aaron digs something out of his pocket and holds it out to Andrew. “Is this true?” Andrew keeps his body from flinching away at the sight of the paper. He remembers it, it’s pulled from the back of one of his old textbooks, one side has glossary words the other has his handwriting. 

 

It was a letter to Luther. Luther, a god fearing man who would understand wrongness. Would understand when something went against what was good in the world. Drake went against what was good in the world. Except Luther didn’t believe Andrew. 

 

Luther didn’t believe Andrew’s claims that his foster brother was abusing him.  _ Misunderstanding.  _ Luther had said.  _ You’re a tough young man, Andrew.  _ That Andrew was a liar, was implied.  _ You don’t understand what brotherly love looks like.  _ Luther had tried to smile when he said,  _ you’ll understand once you accept God’s love.  _ Andrew had asked if this was how he was supposed to love Aaron and Luther had banned him from his house until further notice. The letter. The letter had been a last ditch effort written to Maria, Luther’s wife. In response he’d received a letter saying his tuition would be paid for.  

 

His words had been vague, ending with the words,  _ keep Aaron away from the Spears.  _ Vague, but it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Now Aaron is looking at him for answers. Andrew takes the paper and lights it on fire. “Andrew!” Aaron tries to grab for it but Andrew kicks a boot into his stomach. Aaron wheezes and once the paper is ash Andrew lets it fall and stain the carpet. His hands are covered in the sooty black. 

 

“Did Cass hurt you?” Aaron asks. 

 

“Are we supposed to bond over our Mommies hurting us?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Did he, her husband, Richard, did he-?”

 

“What about you, Aaron, you ready to talk about Tilda’s temper and love of wooden spoons?” Aaron flinches and crosses his arms. 

 

“I’m going to college,” Aaron says, “then I’m going to med school. I won’t have to ever see her again if I play my cards right.” Aaron stares Andrew down. “I would, maybe, like to see you though. If you needed to get out of Cass’ why didn’t you just say so? I wouldn’t have been such a dick about your transfer if-”

 

“Because you feel sorry for me,” Andrew says. 

 

“Because I understand doing shit just to keep out of the house,” Aaron snaps. “I wouldn’t have made it more difficult for you. I wouldn’t have bugged Cass into taking you for two weeks. Don’t look at me like that, I only did it because having you around made Mom worse and I wanted to avoid that. It wasn’t a favor. And now I know it definitely wasn’t a favor because you wrote Aunt Maria-”

 

“Where did you get that note?”

 

“I found it,” Aaron says, “at Mom’s. I think Luther used it to guilt her into keeping you. She’s been angry because he’s been trying to get her to pay more for your school.” Aaron kicks at the blackened carpet. “Luther keeps trying to get me to have you come to Thanksgiving. I think he wants sons he can be proud of. I think he wishes he could have done something different. Then Nicky wouldn’t have turned out like he did.” 

 

“Luther thinks Nicky is gay because he went to public school?” Andrew doesn’t say it to be funny but Aaron scoffs a laugh. 

 

“What’s Allison’s excuse then?” Aaron asks. Andrew doesn’t laugh. Aaron shoves his hands in his pockets. “Would you want to go with me, to college? We could get a shit apartment together. You don’t even have to go to school you could just like work at a shit coffee shop and pay rent.” Aaron’s offer whizzes past Andrew’s head. “It’s in Washington, we’d be thousands of miles away from Mom, and Cass. What are you going to do after graduation?” Andrew says nothing, he just stares at Aaron like he’s a fever dream. It’s himself, a better version, one who has a future, offering him a hand. Reaching to pull him to something not fucked up. “Think about it,” Aaron says and he offers his fist. Andrew presses their knuckles together. 

 

There’s a twist in his gut as he realizes this is their first contact. He had refused to shake Aaron’s hand when they first met. They had never hugged. They keep their fists pressed together for a long time. Aaron pulls away first. “Okay,” Andrew says. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE ALMOST DID IT. We almost made Kevin and ANdrew kiss on a balcony. But then this story would have taken an entirely different turn and we'd have to write an entirely new outline and we couldn't have that. (Also Andrew wouldn't DO that to Neil because he has a SOUL) (but for a long minute we didn't want him to).


	14. Are You There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> also titled: Neil thinks there's a god (but it's just kevin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it, the whole reason I wrote this fic was to get to this scene so i guess we can all go home now (jk, we'll see you tomorrow)

Neil is thinking what a good idea going for a swim would be. He’s wandered off the patio toward the Robinson’s pool, it’s surrounded by shoulder high shrubs. Though, Neil supposes, it probably would be more like knee high for someone like Matt. Neil wonders how it would feel to be so freaking tall before returning his attention to the pool. The water looks clear and inviting. Neil can’t remember if he’s ever been swimming. He thinks he’d like to find out if he can, today. Something else catches his attention before he jumps in, the shrubs are talking. No, a voice from behind the shrubs. 

 

There’s a man’s voice, and he sounds like he’s praying aloud. Neil decides he likes the cadence of the words and shuffles closer to listen. “...I just feel like crying, all of the time.” He recognizes the voice. “I don’t know if this makes me ungrateful, I just wish I knew you were here with me. I feel like I’ve done everything you’ve asked and I’m still feeling like this.” Neil trips over fallen branches and stumbles into the shrub. 

 

“What the-” Matt turns in time to see Neil faceplant in the grass. 

 

“Matt?” Neil asks the ground. The grass feels wet and cold on Neil’s face, like someone licking him. Matt helps Neil to his feet and brushes off the plants clinging to him. “I’m sorry,” Neil says, “I didn’t mean to intrude.” There’s a bottle of wine sitting on the bench Matt had been kneeling in front of, there are indentations in the grass. 

 

“No, you’re good,” Matt says with his usual smile. “Did you hear me?” 

 

“Not really,” Neil says, “your voice just sounded nice.” Matt nods and takes a seat on the stone bench, there isn’t much room but he offers Neil a place to sit. Matt is occupying his time by trying to peel the red shit off the neck of the bottle. Neil thinks he should ask what happened to his shirt from earlier, instead he asks, “do you always pray aloud?” Matt doesn’t miss a beat. 

 

“Yeah, for the most part, when it’s serious.” Matt finally gets an edge to catch and he tears away the wrapping. He gives a triumphant cheer and Neil claps. Then he realizes it’s corked and his smile vanishes. 

 

“Wait,” Neil says, he takes the bottle and flips it upside down and sticks it between his thighs. “Do you have a shoe?” Matt does and Neil begins to hammer the base of the bottle with Matt’s sneaker. It’s a violent assault on this bottle, Neil’s face is red and his breathing heavy when Matt stays his arm. 

 

“Neil,” Matt says trying to take his shoe back. Neil flips the bottle around and the cork has worked its way out. “Ayy!” Matt cheers and twists it the rest of the way free. “Have some wine.” 

 

“I don’t have a cup,” Neil says, he holds out his hands like a beggar.  

 

“Say  _ ah _ ,” Neil does and Matt pours some into his open mouth. He tries not to laugh and send it spraying over the grass. Matt chugs it from the bottle. 

 

“You like wine?” 

 

“You take the rest,” Matt says handing over the wine and standing back up. Neil keeps the bottle between his thighs but doesn’t drink any more. “Why’d you leave?” 

 

“The party?” Neil asks. 

 

“Yeah,”

 

“I didn’t really, I just needed the air.” 

 

“You still feeling high?” Matt asks. 

 

“I’m fine,” Neil says, though he isn’t, his eyes feel dry and he wants to lie down. “Party got boring,”  _ because Andrew went away _ , he doesn’t finish the thought aloud. 

 

“Yeah,” Matt nods.

 

“Hey,” Neil says looking up, God, Matt is so big. “What do you ask God for?” Matt shrugs. 

 

“I don’t, I don’t know, I just say what I feel like saying.” Matt runs a hand over his face before smiling. “My mom caught me praying one time, I was demanding that God bring me my action figures I left at school. You know, cause He’s so powerful, and she told me He didn’t work like that.” Matt laughs and it’s infectious. 

 

“How does He work?” Neil asks. 

 

“Not sure, I feel like I do everything right and there’s still not some sign that I’m on the right path.” Matt takes a seat beside Neil and runs a hand over Neil’s head. “You like my jacket?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil says hugging himself with the giant sleeves giving his arms so much space to move around. 

 

“Do you,” Matt hesitates before he says, “pray?” 

 

“Yeah, in church,” Neil nods. “That’s what it’s for.” 

 

“You go to confession?” 

 

“Sometimes,” Neil says, “I sometimes play a game where I try and guess what Father is thinking when I tell him about my past.” Neil’s eyes light up. “You know I saw this show Kevin was watching where this guy stabbed a priest through the confessional screen.” 

 

“Don’t give Andrew any ideas,” Matt says. 

 

“Andrew doesn’t go,” Neil says. 

 

“I know, you tell me one of your confessions and I’ll tell you one of mine.” Matt takes the bottle back from Neil and takes a swig. “ _ Ah _ ?” Neil shakes his head. 

 

“Sure,” Neil says. 

 

“You first,” Matt says and Neil laughs. 

 

“I see how it is,” Neil says. He drums his fingers on his thighs while he thinks, Matt is staring at him. “Okay,” Neil says with a sigh, “when I first showed up I told Father that I used to steal painkillers from the medicine cabinet. I would take a couple after my father, or someone, hurt me.” Neil opens his mouth wide until his skin feels tight on his cheek. “After I got my face burned I took too many and slept for a long time. My mom thought I was dead and I woke up in the backyard with a blanket over me.” He nods and looks up at Matt. “Stealing, I was worried about it.” Matt doesn’t have a smile on his face anymore and he drinks more of the wine. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood,” Neil says and then he stands like he can walk the heavy feeling off. 

 

Matt follows him though and they end up back on the patio under cover of the upstairs balcony. It’s darker over here though, and Matt can’t see Neil’s scars as clearly which is Neil’s hope. Instead of taking his turn Matt looks out at the backyard. He starts speaking to no one, “hello, God, first of all, what the fuck?” Neil snorts a laugh and Matt raises the wine bottle back at Neil. “This is a beautiful boy, who did not deserve parents who-” Matt looks at Neil then back into the night. “If you’re there, give me a sign that you’re listening, because I am about to-” there’s a clatter to Matt’s right and Neil jumps. 

 

“The fuck?” Matt tries to look for the source of the noise. Neil joins him trying to find what could have randomly responded to Matt’s declaration. 

 

“He’s listening,” Neil laughs. Matt’s face looks ashen. He grabs Neil’s arm and drags him back to the bench. 

 

“Ghost,” Matt says crumpling on the bench. 

 

“He’s listening, say your piece,” Neil laughs nudging him. He takes the bottle from Matt and drinks a bit. He stands, “God,” he starts in fits of giggles. 

 

“Neil,” 

 

“I want him to show me more,” Neil continues. 

 

“Sure, okay.” Matt nods, “I can get behind that.”  

 

“I don’t care if he needs all the time in the world. I just want a guarantee, a promise, that there’s a this.” 

 

“Let me know you’re there,” Matt says standing with Neil. He’s looking up at the stars and Neil feels a loneliness coming from Matt’s face. He wants it to stop. Neil reaches for Matt’s face but Matt has to duck his head so Neil can reach. Neil places his hand on Matt’s shoulder. He places the wine bottle between their hands and starts to sway. There’s no music but Neil hums something familiar and juvenile under his breath. “Are we waltzing to  _ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star _ ?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil says humming louder. He had learned this song a year ago when helping Allison with Sunday School kids. 

 

“Well, who’s leading?” Matt asks spinning them both. 

 

“I don’t know,” Neil answers looking down at their feet pressing in the grass. He isn’t wearing shoes and Matt is careful not to step on his toes. 

 

“Well,” Matt says and Neil looks up at him, “who usually leads?” There’s a moment before, when it doesn’t click in Neil’s mind. When he thinks Matt gleams with moonlight on his dark skin. Matt’s face is close to his own. Then Neil’s pulling his hands back and the wine bottle falls with a thud to the grass. 

 

“What do you mean?” Neil asks hoping, maybe, Matt doesn’t know as much as his smug mouth makes it look like he does. 

 

“With Andrew,” Matt says, “who leads?” 

 

“I don’t-”

 

“I saw you two at the rave,” Matt says and Neil’s hands fill with rage. There’s a war going on in his mind. Matt isn’t supposed to know, this isn’t for Matt. Matt is going to ruin this.  _ Oh, _ Neil thinks,  _ oh, this is why Andrew is scared. _ The idea that Andrew could be scared of anything gives Neil pause. Neil’s worry must show on his face because Matt raises his hands in defense. “I didn’t like watch you two, doing whatever.” Neil feels the heat rise in his throat. 

 

“Did you tell-?”

 

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Matt says. Neil wants to believe him. “Do you need to sit down?” Neil does, and he lands hard as he slumps to the grass. Matt crouches down with him, he tries to put hands on Neil’s shoulders Neil fights him off. They stay like that, in silence, Neil is trying to think. Is he supposed to lie? Would Andrew want him to lie? Matt though, he can see Matt’s posture. Matt is pissed about something and Neil is wondering if he could take Matt in a fight when they’re both drunk and high. “Why Andrew?” Matt’s question flies over Neil’s head. “Why fool around with him?” 

 

“What?” Neil asks. 

 

“He’s an asshole, Neil, I just saw him upstairs fooling around with Katelyn-” 

 

“That was Aaron,” Neil says and doesn’t add  _ probably.  _

 

“She was saying Andrew’s name,” Matt says. Neil glares at Matt. Matt looks sincere but he’s still wrong. 

 

“It was Aaron.” 

 

“Andrew is a jerk,” Matt says. “If you’re going to have a fuck buddy you jerk off with-” 

 

“Shut up,” Neil snaps, “do not talk about him like that.” Matt doesn’t stop. 

 

“If the school finds out like they did with Allison you’ll both be out.” Matt throws up his hands. “Look, if you’re gay-”

 

“Not gay,” Neil says and Matt frowns. “If you’re worried because we were roommates-”

 

“Bi or whatever-”

 

“I just like him,” Neil says and it’s the wrong thing to say. 

 

“You don’t even know him,” Matt declares. 

 

“I’ve known him as long as I’ve known you,” Neil defends. This, is also the wrong thing to say because Matt stands and swipes up the forgotten wine bottle. “Matt,” Neil clamors to his feet, “you can’t tell anyone.” Matt is chugging the wine, trying to focus his attention elsewhere, and Neil smacks the distraction from his hands. “Why are you angry?”

 

“You didn’t tell me,” Matt says. “We were roommates for years and you never told me.”

 

“It’s not just mine to tell,” Neil says. “I mean, we’re not even, it’s not…” Neil tries to find words. “Andrew is Andrew, he doesn’t want to call it something it isn’t.”  

 

“Because he’s an emotional void,” Matt says. “He doesn’t give two shits about anyone other than himself.” Neil’s mind closes off and he’s all energy. Energy that barrels into Matt’s side and tackles him to the ground. He gets two shots at Matt’s kidneys before the tables turn. Matt is stunned for all of two seconds and then he uses the full of his weight against Neil. Neil is pinned. Matt’s giant hands have both Neil’s wrists above his head. His torso feels crushed under Matt’s bodyweight. A moment of panic surges through Neil’s body as he feels helpless. He writhes trying to get away. “Neil, Neil, calm down, I’m sorry. You’re going to hurt yourself calm-” Matt doesn’t finish because a dark something knocks Matt aside. 

 

“You have two seconds to explain why you were on top of him,” Andrew says. His voice is low and calm. The light of the moon glints off the blade of the knife Andrew has pressed to Matt’s throat. 

 

“He- he-” Matt can barely breathe because Andrew’s knee digs into his sternum. Neil bolts upright and checks himself for injuries. 

 

“I’m fine,” Neil says in German. “Let him up. I hit him first.” 

 

“Do not,” Andrew snarls at Matt, “fucking touch him ever again.”

 

“O-ok,” Matt wheezes. Andrew digs his knee in before standing upright. Neil stands and Andrew shoves him back toward the house. 

 

“Take that thing off before I cut it off you,” Andrew says. Neil sheds Matt’s jacket and stands shirtless in the kitchen. The conscious party goers are standing around looking at the commotion. Dan snatches Matt’s jacket from Neil before running outside. Renee tries to ask Andrew about what’s wrong but he storms past her. Allison checks Neil’s eyes. He lets her hold his face. 

 

Kevin returns with Andrew, Neil doesn’t need to be told to follow. They pile into Kevin’s car. Neil sits in the back. He threads his fingers into his hair. “What happened?” Andrew asks in German once Kevin has them on the road back to the dorms. 

 

“I tried to fight him,” Neil answers in the foreign language as well. Kevin doesn’t make a face if he does or doesn’t mind. 

 

“You think I don’t know that? Why?” Andrew asks. Neil’s silence is too long. 

 

“Did you make out with Katelyn?” Neil asks and Andrew actually turns around in his seat to look at Neil. 

 

“Idiots can walk home,” Andrew says. 

 

“Matt says he saw you two together.” 

 

“So you decided your hundred and ten pound ass should start a fight?” 

 

“No,” Neil says. “No, I was just drunk. I wasn’t thinking.” Andrew turns back around and leans his head by the window. Neil hears the familiar sound of a lighter and smells the comforting smoke. 

 

“Did he hurt you?” Andrew asks. 

 

“No,” Neil says. 

 

“I’m going to kill him.” 

 

“He’s not a bad person.”

 

“I don’t care.” 


	15. 911! Emergency!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the only emergency is that Neil is getting a mouth on him and it's gonna be christmas and BOY it's going to be a whole time

Weeks pass and Wymack’s anger at the tension between his cast finally dies when they return from Thanksgiving break. No one is trying at rehearsal, because they’re too excited for winter break. Except Kevin has decided he suddenly cares about  _ Romeo and Juliet  _ and his eagerness is driving Marissa up a fucking wall. Wymack keeps reminding everyone they only have a few days left to practice and “it better stay in your heads over the holidays because I’m not teaching it again”. 

 

They are rehearsing in the auditorium now, there are more crew members and Jeremy signs up to help with lights. The theater girls like having him around as fresh blood. Kevin is an absolute monster to be around, he keeps trying to gather his fellow chorus members and stage unscheduled rehearsals. Neil isn’t concerned enough to ask about this sudden shift, but Andrew explains, Kevin needs something to hyperfixate on while he tries being sober for once in his goddamn life.  

 

Aaron is a wreck because he’s trying to learn his lines and keep his 4.0 gpa, what makes it worse is he won’t practice with Katelyn. Apparently her moaning his brother’s name during their makeout session didn’t really work out well for the two of them. According to his blog, which Neil spent hours scrolling through after Andrew decided to drop the fact of its existence in casual conversation, Aaron had a rough time with his mother and uncle at Thanksgiving. 

 

Andrew has more to do now as crew and actually helps Kevin build set pieces, including a lattice ladder Aaron swears he will never trust enough to climb. Kevin and Andrew worked during Thanksgiving on building sets so Andrew could support Kevin in his sobriety. Wymack ordered pizzas for them and Neil joined them sitting onstage. It was the best Thanksgiving dinner Neil’d ever had. 

 

There are new lines drawn as Dan sides with Matt over Katelyn’s birthday fiasco. Matt hasn’t said anything about Neil and Andrew. Neil instead has to hear the group’s speculation about what their fight was over. The rumors about him start to chip away at his nice exterior, he’s cracked and snapped at a few underclassmen but nothing he couldn’t try and smooth over later. No one had expected Andrew to snap like he did, they thought he was all talk. Even Renee and Allison are keeping their distance from Andrew. They treat him like a ticking time bomb while checking in with Neil. Is he safe? Is  _ he _ safe? Neil is safe, from Andrew at least, but he’s going to kill whoever tipped the school off about Andrew’s knives. 

 

Surprise dorm inspection happened on Tuesday morning before church. The snitch must have been Matt because Kevin didn’t have a single item of contraband on his person or in his room. Save the rated X tattoo under his uniform. Andrew had shoved his knives in Neil’s slack’s pockets when the dorm inspector came by. She was one of the nicer nuns but she targeted Andrew like she knew he had something to hide. She went so far as to frisk him much to Andrew’s chagrin. 

 

Then there was the call to the school office. Neil thought he was going to die. The headmaster sat across from him at his desk, he asked Neil about school. Then about his dorm mates. Then about his roommate. Then “Do you know anything about what happened to Renee Walker around two months ago?” and “Has there been anyone you feel threatened by? Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable?” and finally, “A concerned party mentioned you might be having problems with dorm assignments. If we need to reevaluate, Mr. Josten, we can find you a new roommate.”

 

He told the headmaster to go to hell only it came out as, “My roommate is fine.”

 

Neil would think the new public opinion of Andrew would be enough to deter Katelyn, but no, she is as persistent as ever. Even going so far as to invite the twins to her family’s Christmas party. They both declined. The Secret Santa game has devolved because Andrew throws away all of the gifts that are left for Neil. It doesn’t play well for those watching. Some of them Neil gets out of the trash and has Allison regift to Renee. He’s already given Allison Renee’s last present, a switchblade Andrew had helped pick out, and she’ll get it to Renee at Christmas. 

 

Andrew has been on edge since Katelyn’s party and Neil knows the impending family reunion must be weighing on him. “If you don’t want to go, then I can pay for a motel. We could both stay here.” Neil says to him, in German, during rehearsal three days before school is out. 

 

“Promised Aaron I would go,” Andrew says. 

 

“Aaron can take care of himself,” Neil says and Andrew grabs him by the collar. Their castmates drop what they’re doing. Andrew’s hand pulling at his clothes is firm but Neil finds he’s tired of the defense. Andrew still hasn’t talked to him about the incident with Matt. Neil can see the effects of it boiling under Andrew’s skin.

 

“Neil, is everything alright?” Renee asks when no one else tries to intervene. 

 

“Yes,” Neil says in English, but Andrew doesn’t loosen his grip. He switches back to German. “You don’t have to torture yourself just to take care of Aaron.”

 

“I’m going,” Andrew says through tight teeth. 

 

“If you want to go then go,” Neil counters. “I’ll see you when you get back.” 

 

“You’re acting like I’m making a choice.”

 

“You are,” Neil says. 

 

“Not between the two of you, I’m not.” Andrew throws Neil back and Neil lets himself stumble into one of the set pieces. The wood rattles and two students rush to keep it from toppling over. Neil shakes off their worried looks but Wymack cuts him off before he can run out of the auditorium. Neil freezes at the sudden appearance of the man. 

 

“Back to work,” Wymack barks at the frozen students. He lowers his voice for Neil, “you need something kid?” Neil shakes his head. He steps out to clear his head and finds himself jogging around the campus.     

  
  


Andrew is meeting him in the auditorium after the others have gone. Tomorrow is their last day of class, rehearsal is cancelled and everyone is planning on leaving early. Neil’s already checked with Father and his room is waiting for him in the loft of the church. Allison is sticking around for a couple days to help decorate the church for Christmas Mass. Neil hopes it won’t have to come to that though.  

 

The catwalk above the house, the seats for the audience, is Andrew’s new favorite place to be when the weather is too bad to go to the roof. There’s a safer hangout spot, still up a ladder, a small landing with old props and bean bag chairs provided by students past. Neil waits there for Andrew to get his fill of being up high. He’d asked Andrew about the appeal of heights.  _ “Feeling, I know what I’m feeling.” _ Neil thinks it’s a concept he can understand. 

 

“What can I do for you?” Neil asks when Andrew steps off the catwalk into the room where Neil has made himself comfortable on a bean bag. 

 

“Sit and look pretty,” Andrew says and grabs a seat for himself beside Neil. Neil watches Andrew pocket his pack of cigarettes. “When did you shower last?” 

 

Neil tries not to sound offended when he says, “this morning. “Do I smell bad?”” Andrew grabs him by the back of the neck and pulls Neil closer. 

 

“You don’t smell like Boyd anymore,” Andrew says. 

 

“Oh, I think because we used the same shampoo but I ran out so I’ve just been using bar soap-” Andrew’s grip tightens on his neck so Neil stops talking. Neil’s heart feels heavy as it thrums in his chest. Andrew’s face is in Neil’s hair. “What do I smell like?” 

 

“Cedar,” Andrew murmurs into his hair, “and my cigarettes.” 

 

“What does Matt smell like?” Neil asks. Andrew releases him back to his seat. 

 

“Artificial ocean and sugar,” Andrew states. Neil tries to sniff his own clothes but he can’t tell if he’s different. 

 

“Winter break is tomorrow.”

 

“I am aware.”  

 

“Are you going to Cass’ place?” 

 

“Yes,” Andrew says. Neil sits upright. 

 

“I want to go with you.” 

 

“You, trying to crash the Christmas party? Aaron will be over the moon.” 

 

“Does that mean you don’t want me to go?” Andrew is just looking at him. 

 

“I don’t want you to go to Cass’ place,” Andrew says, “without knowing everything.” 

 

“So tell me,” Neil says and Andrew puts a hand over Neil’s mouth. 

 

Andrew talks. Andrew tells Neil all about Cass and Richard. He talks about Aaron’s Uncle Luther and Aunt Maria, and how Tilda doesn’t want to pay for Andrew’s school. He explains Luther’s never ending sermons and Maria’s battered wife syndrome. Aaron is mentioned, because  _ Neil you have never met this Aaron. This Aaron is small and afraid and will not stand up to Tilda.  _ Then Andrew pauses. 

 

“They will all be at Christmas,” Andrew says. 

 

“What about the cousin?” 

 

“Jury’s out on whether Luther’s mood will be up around the holidays. According to Aaron, Nicky has some long term boyfriend he’s living with.” 

 

“What about Cass’ son?” 

 

“He won’t be there,” Andrew says and it’s like a bird of relief flies from his chest. Neil senses the shift but says nothing. “He’s going to be away, military, Cass made sure to tell me so I wouldn’t get my hopes up about seeing him.” Andrew’s face is a mask of practiced stillness. 

 

“So there will be an empty space at the table,” Neil says. 

 

“You want to fill it?” 

 

“No,” Neil says, “I think you should invite your cousin.” It’s not what Andrew expects him to say and Neil likes the knit of Andrew’s brow. “If Cass is hosting at her house then she’s in charge. Tell her to invite your cousin. Shit, have him bring his boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be more interesting to see how Luther would react? You can even tell Cass it’s for Aaron, that he would be more comfortable with the more people he knows.” Neil holds up his hands fingers outstretched. “A Christmas gift.” 

 

“You,” 

 

“You invite me because I’m a good Catholic influence.” Neil smirks, “Tilda is also less likely to lose her cool with more people watching.” 

 

“You are impossible,” Andrew says. “You think I want you tagging along?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil says. “ I think you know Cass will go for it.” 

 

“When am I going to be rid of you?” 

 

“Never,” Neil says and Andrew’s hands become fists. 

 

“Is that so?” Andrew asks with a bored expression.

 

“You’re stuck with me,” Neil says leaning back in his seat. 

 

“You said forever,” Andrew says. 

 

“I meant it,” Neil says. Andrew says nothing. “Does this mean-?” Andrew’s hand closes over Neil’s mouth again. 

 

“Stop talking,” Andrew says, then he pulls Neil closer to him until Neil can’t see Andrew’s face and has an eyeful of school tie. One of Andrew’s hands is in his hair and the other keeps Neil from opening his mouth. “I’m breaking the ice.” Andrew says. “You can have one question after and that is all, nod if you understand.” Neil nods and Andrew’s hands move with him. “If you,” Andrew exhales and the breath ghosts over Neil’s curls, “if you come to Christmas. If you choose to come.” Andrew’s hand tightens in Neil’s hair. “There are things we will talk about, after. About,” the tension in Andrew’s hands makes Neil’s skin crawl, “the others.”

 

“You don’t have to tell-” 

 

“I said don’t say anything,” Andrew’s thumb presses on Neil’s tongue. “If we are going to have a deal. That is what is required.” A deal, a promise, Neil doesn’t really understand what exactly Andrew means. Still. He wants to agree. “One question,” Andrew finishes and releases Neil. Neil doesn’t move. He stays with his head against Andrew’s chest feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat pounding. He considers baiting Andrew, asking Andrew what he is to him. Neil wants to hear Andrew say the word _.  _

 

“What are you doing after graduation?” Neil asks instead. 

 

“Nothing,” Andrew says and Neil laughs. 

 

“Where will you go?” 

 

“That’s two questions.”

 

“Can I come with you?” 

 

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to,” Andrew says and Neil sits back so he can stare at him. Yes, Neil has his answer. He doesn’t need Andrew to speak it aloud. It’s a redundant act. This, is sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year <3 see you tomorrow


	16. Reputation Stain'd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are moving (also tw for some homophobic slurs)

“Hey,” Matt is standing in the doorway. Neil stops packing the last of his clothes. In a wild turn of events it’s actually Aaron on Andrew’s bed. He’s reading a book and wearing glasses Neil doesn’t think he really needs. They’re waiting for Andrew to text them that Cass is ready to pick them up. Andrew has already taken he and his brother’s things down. Matt is holding a gift in one hand and a candy cane in the other. “Merry Christmas,” Matt says handing them both to Neil.  

 

“Oh,” Neil takes the box. The wrap job is poor, all of the other gifts had looked in similar states of disarray. He pulls the wrapping away to find tissue paper, quick digging reveals a pair of gloves. The majority of the gloves are black but the fingers have rings of different colors like a rainbow. “Thank you,” Neil says because that’s what receivers of gifts are supposed to say. Aaron scoffs from the bed. 

 

“You have something to say?” Matt snaps and Aaron glares at him. Neil takes the candy cane as well trying to get Matt’s attention away from the stare down he’s having. 

 

“Matt that’s not-” Neil starts but Aaron cuts him off in German, 

 

“Shut up.” Neil is so stunned by having his existence acknowledged he closes his mouth. Aaron stands up, he doesn’t hold himself the same way Andrew does, he’s not as solid on his feet. Matt doesn’t see a difference. 

 

“You looking for a fight?” Matt asks, face devoid of his usual kindness. Then Neil sees it, the hollow look in Matt’s eye, like he’s crashed or been crashing. Neil wonders if Kevin’s sobriety affects Matt’s supply. 

 

“No,” Neil answers instead. Matt has more than a foot on both him and Aaron. Aaron’s phone vibrates on the nightstand and Neil scoops it up. “Let’s go, they’re ready.” Neil shoves the new gloves, and future gift for Andrew, in his duffle. He zips the bag back up. Matt lets Neil by but Aaron has to shoulder past him. Matt mumbles something under his breath but it’s too far away for Neil to hear. It’s for Aaron. 

 

“What the fuck did you call me?” Aaron spits and Matt grabs him by the collar. 

 

“Stop it,” Neil shoves Matt back down the hallway. “He’s Aaron.” 

 

“No,” Aaron says, “I’m Andrew, say what you said again. To my face.” Neil pushes Aaron away from Matt and places his body between them. Matt stalks back to his room and slams the door. Aaron doesn't look at Neil before marching down the stairs toward the front door. Neil grabs his bag and hurries after him, Aaron stops Neil before they get outside. “Why the hell are you coming?” 

 

“He would have beat you to shit,” Neil snaps. “Is that what you were looking for?” 

 

“Why is Andrew bringing you?” 

 

“Ask him yourself,” Neil says and Aaron shoves Neil into the door. “You still looking for that fight?” 

 

“I don’t want you anywhere near my family.” 

 

“You’re pissed because I ruined your perfect dynamic? I thought you’d be glad to find Andrew!” Neil feel like he’s feeding off Aaron’s anger. Aaron’s resentment and his stupid behavior of not speaking to Neil. Only now does Aaron decide they need to hash is out. Aaron’s mouth is a frown of confusion when Neil says, “Are you jealous because I’ve known him longer?” 

 

“Didn’t know you had a mouth on you, Josten.” Aaron shoves him again and the door rattles. Neil’s head hits the glass and he sees black dots in his vision. “You’re the one who’s going to fuck this up for Andrew. Matt’s pissed and out to get him. If he gets expelled over your little disagreement-”

 

“You’re really helping his cause,” Neil hisses. He finally gets a grip on the door’s push bar and presses down. Aaron’s weight sends them both toppling outside as the door falls open. Neil lands hard on his back but Aaron still won’t let up. He thinks Aaron will take a swing when Wymack appears growling. 

 

“Where do you think you are, public school?” Wymack lifts Aaron off Neil. Neil jumps to his feet and rolls his shoulders. Aaron doesn’t struggle against Wymack who has a grip on his arm. “You want to explain to me-”

 

“It’s fine,” Neil sighs, he knows Andrew hates waiting. Aaron shrugs Wymack off and stares down at his lost glasses. If they take any more time to find Cass’ car Andrew will come looking for them. “Oh,” Neil looks up to see a running white BMW parked on the curbside. Andrew is standing outside the passenger side, a woman has one hand on the door while she stands to see what’s wrong. “We’re fine,” Neil says and Aaron grabs his book and glasses from the ground. Wymack gives them a warning before heading into the dorms.  

 

The woman walks around and she is not what Neil had expected. Her clothes are nice, a flannel tied at her waist and expensive dark wash jeans, but her shoes are sensible, not the gaudy heels most mothers who visit wear. Her light brown hair is done up in a twist kept together by a pencil. She’s got a set in her jaw when she spots Aaron and Neil but her eyes remain kind. 

 

“Everything alright?” she asks and her voice lilts in an accent Andrew doesn’t have. Andrew crosses to grab Aaron by the arm and bring him to the car. Aaron ducks his head with the right amount of shame blushed at his neck. Neil shuffles after them trying to look anywhere else but at Cass’ skeptical looking expression. “You must be Aaron,” she says, “I’m Cass.” She doesn’t insult Aaron by offering a hug but he shakes her hand when she holds it out. 

 

“This is Neil,” Andrew says and Neil stands ready. “He’s joining us.” He can tell Cass hadn’t expected him as a tag along.  

 

“You didn’t tell her I was coming?” Neil hisses in frantic German. 

 

“He’s German,” Andrew says and Neil wants to hit him. 

 

“I’m not,” Neil says, “German. I thought Andrew got the okay, I will not intrude on your-”

 

“Neil doesn’t have a family,” Andrew says. “He was going to stay on campus in a dusty church loft. I told him that we wouldn’t mind having him for Christmas.” Cass’ face pulls in the way mothers’ faces do when they hear Neil’s an orphan. 

 

“Of course he is welcome,” Cass says with a well meaning smile, “friends of AJ’s are always welcome. Here, let me get the trunk open for you.” Aaron snorts at the nickname before letting himself into the back of the car. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Neil hisses. 

 

“I thought this break was about keeping things interesting,” Andrew says without so much as a curl of a smile on his mouth. “Now, can I leave you and my brother alone in the backseat or are you going to start another fight?” 

 

“He started it,” Neil retorts. 

 

“Guess you’ll have to be up front with Cass then,” Andrew hums and opens the passenger door for Neil. Neil isn’t one to beg so he sits without another word. If Andrew’s surprised Neil didn’t offer more resistance he doesn’t say so. Andrew takes care of Neil’s bag for him. Once everyone is packed into the car it’s Aaron who asks the dreaded question. 

 

“How far away are we driving?” 

 

“Three hours,” Cass says with a smile. “We’ll make the time pass.” 

 

Neil is doubtful.

 

They make it an hour and a half before Aaron can’t keep his mouth shut. He’s speaking to Andrew in German about Matt. Matt’s gift and his temper. He demands Andrew tell him why Neil is with them. Andrew replies in a level tone that Aaron needs to calm down. “It’s like Cass said, Neil is a friend.” Aaron throws his hands up at this but falls back into silence. 

 

“You understand what they’re sayin’?” Cass asks Neil. Neil nods. “Where’d you learn to speak German?” 

 

“Andrew gave me a book on it,” Neil says. 

 

“You learned German in three months?” Aaron asks incredulously. 

 

“No,” Neil says and he looks back at Andrew to check for signs of  _ shut up, Josten _ , he doesn't find any. “I’ve known Andrew for what, four years? We met in middle school though. I think it was my first year when-”

 

“Four years?” Aaron’s eyebrows are reaching for his hairline when he looks at Andrew. “The fuck is he talking about, four years?” He switches to German to curse in front of Cass. “You knew me for three years and you never mentioned you also knew my twin brother?” Neil decides he likes Aaron better when he’s ignoring his existence. 

 

“Who do you think told that pastor to talk to you about Andrew?” Neil asks in German. Aaron’s face says he doesn’t know, he didn’t know Neil pushed for the meeting. Which is ridiculous because he’d heard Wymack say as much to Aaron just a little over a month ago. Aaron keeps looking at Andrew like he thinks Andrew will say Neil’s lying. “I thought you weren’t talking to me because you were pissed about the arrangement.” Neil hadn’t considered that it could have just been Aaron’s shit personality making him disagreeable. Aaron begins to curse at him.        

 

“Are we angry again?” Cass asks, “German all sounds angry to me I’m afraid. Best you not use it in the house. I will not tolerate fighting, especially at this time of year.” 

 

“Sorry,” Neil says though he isn’t the one borderline yelling. The car falls silent again and Cass turns the radio on as a buffer. Thirty minutes to destination and Cass pulls into a gas station. She hands Andrew cash and tells him to run inside and grab her a coke. Aaron and Neil follow him. Aaron speaks to Andrew in whispers before Andrew waves him off.

 

“Aaron,” Andrew says, “Neil, are we going to play nice or not?”

 

“I am nice,” Neil says taking grave offense. “I don’t have a problem with Aaron.” 

 

“Well Josten you-”

 

“Say it,” Andrew says. “All of it, whatever you have against him. Then drop it.” 

 

“Come on Aaron,” Neil says, “can’t you go back to ignoring me like before?” 

 

“I was doing that out of principle,” Aaron snaps. 

 

“But you’re saying you didn’t even know-” 

 

“You are suspect,” Aaron says. They’re standing in front of shelves with a colorful array of candies. Andrew is going through and collecting one of each kind with disinterest. 

 

“Spit it out,” Andrew says, “I won’t ask again.” 

 

“Matt’s the one who told the headmaster about your knives.” 

 

“So it’s not about Josten.” Andrew turns to grab a coke from the see through fridge. 

 

“Matt is trying to get you kicked out because-”

 

“Still not hearing Josten’s name.” 

 

“Josten,” Aaron hisses, his eyes flicker over Neil before meeting Andrew’s eye. “Matt thinks you and Josten are fucking.” Aaron throws his arms out. “He said I, you, were a faggot cocksucker who was going to get yours.”   

 

“And he mentioned Josten?” 

 

“It was implied,” 

 

“Well gosh Aaron, if it was implied-” Neil starts but Andrew hits him upside the head with the plastic bottle. 

 

“Is that going to be a problem for you?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Problem for me? Andrew, if he spreads lies about you that enough people believe- you don’t have money like Allison’s family and your grades aren’t like Renee’s.” Aaron sighs and crosses his arms. “Why aren’t you angry?” 

 

“I don’t care about Boyd’s bullshit,” Andrew says dumping his conquest on the counter. 

 

“You-”

 

“I’ll graduate,” Andrew says, “are you worried that Boyd’s going to stop me?” 

 

“No,” Aaron gives a pointed look at Neil. Then he closes his eyes, “it’s Uncle Luther. He won’t pay for you if-” 

 

“I am going to graduate.” Andrew holds out a closed fist. “We’re going to Washington.” Aaron’s eyes open and he presses his mouth into a thin line. He presses his knuckles to Andrew’s. Aaron nods his head and Neil focuses his gaze on a bag of off brand potato chips instead of staring at the redness around Aaron’s eyes.

 

“What about this deadweight?” Aaron says and Neil gives him a look. 

 

“Tell me how you really feel, Aaron.” 

 

“He might have to join us,” Andrew says. “Is that going to be a problem?”

 

“He’s always going to be a problem.” Aaron switches to German when the cashier begins to stare. “What was I supposed to think when you showed up and started hanging around them? Day is open about his shit and Josten is a cluster fuck of bad news. You should hear what the underclassmen say about him. The whole incident of how he broke his foot-”

 

“I am right here.” 

 

“Is it,” Andrew asks again, “going to be a problem?” Aaron closes his mouth and controls his wavering voice.  

 

“No.” 

  
  


When they reach Cass’ house around 4:30 there’s an unfamiliar car parked outside. Andrew doesn’t recognize it as belonging to Luther but Aaron is already trying to get out of the car. “Jesus,” Aaron says unbuckling his seatbelt after the door is already halfway open. 

 

“There he is!” A voice yells followed by the sound of car doors closing. Two men are getting out and talking to Aaron like they know him. The shorter of the two hugs Aaron. “Geez, you haven’t gotten any taller.” 

 

“Is that your cousin?” Neil asks and Andrew isn’t sure. Nicky had been banished from the Hemmick house and all traces of his face in pictures had been either never taken or put away. Andrew gets out of the car.  

 

“Mrs. Spear,” the one who is presumably Nicky makes his way over, “thank you so much. When Erik got your call I thought there had been some mistake.” 

 

“Don’t thank me it was all Andrew’s idea,” Cass says with a wave. Nicky turns to look at him. Andrew gets a full view of his cousin and it is an experience. Nicky’s coloring is dark, his hair is in stark contrast with Aaron’s blond, he looks nothing like his father nor his aunt. Andrew doesn’t immediately hate his face. Nicky’s clothes, however, are much too formal for just “family dinner” and Andrew wonders who Nicky is trying to impress with his gray suit and crisp lilac button up.

 

“Andrew,” Nicky says, and he just stares. Then he looks back at Aaron. “You didn’t tell me you were identical.” Aaron shrugs and the other man, Erik, who’s waiting by the car rubs Aaron’s head. “He didn’t tell me you were identical,” Nicky repeats. “Did tell me you weren’t a hugger though.” Nicky sticks out a hand and Andrew shakes it, he immediately regrets it because Nicky is looking to Cass with a wide smile. Nicky looks at him with his face so full of something, something nice, it makes Andrew nervous. “I am your cousin Nicky,” Nicky looks away after he says this and fans his face. “I don’t know why I’m getting emotional about this.”

 

“It’s because you drank too much earlier,” a low sultry voice says in German. Erik is making his way over with Aaron. Nicky nods. “I am Erik,” he says in heavily accented English as he shakes Cass’ hand. Cass is acting obviously smitten because Erik is big, broad, and his suit is well tailored. Not that Andrew pays him any attention, but Erik’s beard is close cut and it accentuates his sharp jaw. He also has a friendly smile which he shows Cass as she excuses herself to double check the meal preparations. 

 

“Who is this?” Nicky asks and Andrew turns to see Josten hasn’t even opened his car door. Neil exits once they’re all staring at him through the window. Josten places a hand on his face, knuckles pressing against scar tissue. “Not another long lost brother…” Nicky looks like he’s half considering the possibility. 

 

“Neil,” Aaron says because Andrew and Neil have both decided to play the game of silence. “Andrew’s roommate.” 

 

“Neil,” Nicky tries out the name, “okay.” He nods. “Neil, I’m Nicky, and this is my fiancé  Erik Klose.” Neil shakes both of their hands. They stand around until Aaron coughs. 

 

“Neil knows German too,” Aaron says. 

 

“Yeah?” Nicky says. “I taught this one most everything he knows.” He nudges Aaron. Erik says something to Neil in German and Neil responds to be polite and then there is the silence again. 

 

Andrew is sick of it so he walks toward the front door of Cass’ house. The group seems grateful because they follow. Cass has the dining table already set and platters set out with foil covering the food. “Oh my gosh, you must have gotten up so early to make all of this.” Nicky is praising Cass’ table setting as he removes his jacket. Erik offers to hang up everyone’s coats. 

 

The formal dining room is just to the left of the foyer, the formal living room to the right. No one uses the formal living room unless there’s guests and all of the furniture looks like new. Andrew can see the flickering light of the kitchen doorway through the dining room. Cass has the nice plates out, it is Christmas after all. 

 

Neil is sticking close to Andrew’s side, he keeps staring at all the chairs like he’s counting. Making sure there’s enough space. “Your parents said they’d be here at five, which is just around the corner. Tilda is riding with them I believe.” Cass disappears into the kitchen to find her husband.

 

“There’s ten of us, right? How should we spread out?” Nicky asks as he’s counting the dinner plates. 

 

“I’m set for twelve,” Cass calls from the kitchen, “sit wherever is comfortable.” Andrew sits himself in the middle of the five chairs facing the large windows. It also gives him a view of the front door. Neil sits on his left and Aaron his right. Nicky and Erik plan to sit themselves across from Neil and Andrew. 

 

“Mrs. Spear, can I help you bring anything to the table?” Erik asks. Cass appears with her husband Richard, both of them are carrying plates and Erik and Nicky both make efforts to create space on the table. Richard is older than his wife, he’s a bit simple and spends his days doing whatever it is retired people do, Andrew doesn’t mind him. 

 

“How’s it going AJ?” Richard gives a flash of a smile between the two twins. He takes a moment then laughs. “Aaron, right?” Richard extends a hand to Aaron, still wearing his glasses, who accepts. Andrew doesn’t realize his body is stiff and rigid until Neil bumps his shoulder on accident. He tries to uncurl his fingers one at a time. The others don’t notice him. Richard sits at the head of the table with his wife to his right. Cass checks her watch. 

 

“Any minute,” she says. She sighs and looks around the table with a pleasant smile. “I can’t believe we made this work.” 

 

“Thank you,” Nicky says again, “honestly this is wonderful. I haven’t seen Aaron in years. I mean the trouble it must have taken you to arrange all this-”

 

“Nonsense, no trouble,” Cass waves a hand. “I’d love to hear more about all of you. It’s so wonderful to meet AJ’s family, I imagine it’s all been an emotional time finding him.” Nicky smiles politely and Cass turns to Aaron. “Aaron, you play any sports? AJ used to play exy when he was younger. You ever give it a try?”                 

 

“Sports aren’t really my thing,” Aaron says. 

 

“He’s Romeo in the school play,” Neil says and Andrew is glad he brought Josten already. Aaron doesn’t try to look at Neil but his mouth becomes tight. “He’s good at it.” 

 

“How wonderful, you’ll have to give us dates, we’ll come up and see it,” Cass says. 

 

“Romeo, huh?” Richard says. “What about a Juliet? You have any cute girls up at, uh,” as he tries to remember the school’s name Aaron seizes the opportunity to throw Neil under the bus. 

 

“You know Neil’s more of the sports guy,” Aaron says, “he was a cheerleader for, what, three years? Four?” 

 

“No way,” Nicky says, “for the Vixens? They have crazy cool routines. When I played exy we would always look forward to playing against the Foxes just to see the cheer routines.”

 

“I think your teammates were probably looking at them for other reasons,” Aaron says.

 

“Were you base or-?” 

 

“I was a flyer,” Neil says and Nicky claps his hands. 

 

“No shit,” he says, “oh, sorry, excuse my language. I mean you’re pretty small, easy to lift. Erik, lift him up so he can show us a trick. Andrew can spot you and-” 

 

“No,” Neil shakes his head, “no, really, I haven’t been stretching. I fractured my foot during summer so I wasn’t on the squad this year.” Nicky gasps like he can’t imagine a worse fate, he quickly recovers from his shock.  

 

“You have two feet though, Erik can lift you like one of those dads with their baby’s feet-” 

 

“Nicky I don’t think it’s appropriate,” Erik says placing a hand on his fianc é ’s shoulder. He mutters something low and in German. Nicky is briefly annoyed but tries to simmer down. 

 

“Can you lift your leg over your head?” Nicky asks.

 

“Maybe,” Neil says looking down at his plate, “I mean probably, yeah.” 

 

“I should have been a cheerleader,” Nicky sighs. Neil just nods his head and starts poking at the various forks and spoons set out for them. Nicky turns his questions on Aaron and Cass joins in, they ask about the show and Aaron talks about Katelyn. It’s a name the nosy adults can latch on to. Andrew grabs one of his butter knives and pokes Neil’s outside spoon. 

 

“Why are there so many?” Neil asks under his breath. Andrew nudges the spoon so it’s out of line with the rest. 

 

“Use whichever you want,” Andrew says. Cass had taught him to set the table when he first arrived, Tilda’s house was first come first serve with the kitchen utensils. He and Aaron had both taken it upon themselves to hide sets of silverware from Tilda, who made a habit of getting dishes dirty and leaving them in random places around the house. 

 

“I didn’t know you went by AJ,” Neil says. 

 

“I don’t,” hearing Neil say his old nickname makes Andrew reach for his armbands. They’re there. He moves around Neil’s place setting with the tip of his butterknife. AJ. Each time he hears Cass or Richard say it there’s a reminder pinging in his head.  _ You don’t live here anymore. You’re not AJ anymore.  _ He doesn’t fully believe it, he has come prepared for the worst.   

 

The doorbell rings and Andrew’s knuckles are white around his knife. This is the beginning of the shit show. He spares a look at Aaron who is bracing himself for seeing Tilda. Andrew almost offers to switch seats with him so he won’t even have the chance of sitting next to her. Cass is up to open the door. She stands with the new guest exchanging greetings and hugs. They’re all hidden behind the open door. “A wonderful Christmas surprise,” she says and Andrew assumes, stupidly, that she’s talking about Nicky. The door closes. Andrew feels his stomach try to burst through his throat. 

 

“Surprise!” Cass says extending her arms out like she’s showcasing something wonderful. Richard is standing and laughing, he’s excited and jolly red in the face. Andrew can’t breathe. Nicky’s face is trying to look happy but he’s confused. Erik says something in German about a train station. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil says and Andrew realizes he’s gripping Josten’s bicep so tightly it’s going to bruise. Drake Spear is standing in the foyer. 

 

“Hey AJ, Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaron and nicky having a good relationship? yes please. gotta have some good before *spoilers* (also, Erik is a god and Andrew thinks he's hot as shit, thanks for coming to my ted talk)


	17. Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say for myself that doesn't relate to spoilers so see you in the end notes. tw for non consensual drug use, kind of some violence (?), (also Drake is a warning)

Neil figures they have the numbers when this turns into a fight. Nicky is lean but he played exy so maybe there’s more muscle there. Erik is built like a house. Aaron at least can have the temperment needed for a fight even if his skills are lacking. Because this is going to be a fight. A full out brawl. Except Andrew isn’t moving and Neil’s arm is moments away from being punctured by Andrew’s surprisingly sharp nails.

 

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Richard says hugging his son. Drake is large and he dwarfs his father’s older frame. He’s in uniform and his head is shaved close. 

 

“Mom wanted it to be a surprise,” Drake says. He surveys the table. “Wow, gang’s all here. You must be AJ’s family.” 

 

“Yes,” Nicky says when no one else speaks up. “I’m Nicholas, Aaron and Andrew’s cousin.” He doesn’t stand to shake Drake’s hand because Erik has a hand on his shoulder keeping him still. Neil follows Erik’s gaze which is fixated on Andrew’s grip on Neil’s arm. 

 

“Is everything okay?” Erik asks in German and Neil realizes the question is for him. He swallows and the would be tension between Drake and Andrew is only mildly buffered by Cass’ cheery voice asking Drake about his drive. 

 

“I don’t know,” Neil replies looking at Andrew’s face. “Andrew?” 

 

“We’re leaving,” Andrew says. 

 

“What, Andrew, come on,” Aaron says in German. “We don’t have a car-”

 

“How far?” Erik asks. “I can drive you.” 

 

“Oh my gosh, Neil, honey,” Cass says and Neil sees the red bleeding through the white sleeve of his shirt. Andrew’s grip doesn’t let up until Neil pulls his hand away. The release of the pressure hurts more and he sucks in a breath.

 

“I’m fine,” Neil says in English. “You need a smoke?” 

 

“AJ, you’re smoking now?” Richard asks. 

 

“No,” Neil says, “I meant I need one.” He stands, as does Erik. 

 

“We left gifts in the car,” Erik says in English. “The boys can help.” 

 

“Nonsense,” Cass says not sensing the tension amongst the men, “you can get them later.” 

 

“Cigarettes are a nasty habit to pick up when you’re young,” Richard says.

Neil doesn’t have a choice because Drake decides to take a seat beside him. Andrew yanks Neil back down and closer to him. “Neil, let me run and get some bandages.” Cass heads upstairs. Richard’s smile disappears when his wife goes. 

 

“Andrew Joseph do you and I need to have a word?” Richard asks. 

 

“I’ll keep my hands to myself,” Andrew says not letting go of Neil’s arm. 

 

“You’re hurting me,” Neil says in low German and Andrew lets him go. It’s then Neil can see Andrew’s nails, they’re sharp, not like he normally keeps them. He doesn’t have the time to ask because there’s a knock at the door. Richard answers and this time it’s Luther, Maria, and Tilda who pour into the foyer. 

 

Cass returns as Maria is apologizing for running late. She hands the first aid kit to Drake but Andrew won’t let Neil take it from him. Neil notices Nicky ducking behind Erik and muttering in nervous German. The Hemmicks exchange greetings with the Spears and fumble with their jackets. Neil gets a good look at Tilda. She is a short woman, smaller than her sons, and her clothes make her seem even more petite. Luther helps his sister with her jacket but his hands freeze when he spots Drake. And Neil. And Erik. 

 

“More the merrier,” Luther says. Then Nicky pokes his head out and Maria gasps excitedly before placing a hand over her mouth and looking to her husband. Luther’s brow furrows. 

 

“Oh, I wanted to do a big reveal,” Cass says a bit disappointed. “It’s our Christmas surprise to you.” 

 

“Hey Dad,” Nicky says shyly. “Hi Mom.”

 

“Nicholas,” Maria says. Luther bites his tongue so Nicky gets up to greet his mother. He introduces Erik, Maria gives an awkward smile as he pulls out a chair for her beside him. Luther doesn’t shake the hand Erik offers him and Erik smiles politely before returning to his seat. 

 

“Mom,” Aaron says. Tilda waves a small boney hand at him before touching her neck. Cass waves them all to seats and Tilda sits beside Nicky. Cass offers her the chair beside Aaron but she shakes her head. Cass uncovers the food and Richard takes his place at one end of the table beside his wife, Luther the other end. No one touches the food so Neil doesn’t move. 

 

Across the table Nicky is holding Erik’s and Maria’s hands. “Luther, would you like to do the honors?” Richard asks. Grace. Right. Neil notices Drake’s hand palm up on the table beside him. He goes to reach for it to be polite and Andrew’s steak knife stabs into the table, barely missing Neil’s outstretched fingers.

 

“I will drive this knife through your hand,” Andrew says in low German. 

 

Aaron gives a squeak of discomfort. Now that Tilda is here Cass looks to her to say something to Andrew. She doesn’t, she’s fiddling with the front of her frilly blouse. No one knows who should be disciplining Andrew now. Neil keeps his hands in his lap and stares at the vertical standing knife. Andrew won’t look him in the eye but he takes Neil and Aaron’s hands and looks to Luther to say grace. It’s the usual, no frills, no added embellishments and Neil joins everyone but Andrew in saying “amen.” 

 

Andrew grabs for the basket of rolls and takes three, he passes one to Neil and then passes the rolls to Aaron. Everyone grabs food in silence and each time Drake tries to pass Neil food Andrew shoves something else in Neil’s hands. Andrew covers his food in unholy amounts of butter and uses his hands to tear his rolls to pieces. 

 

“So,” Cass starts when the clinking of silverware on plates isn’t enough to fill the silence. “Aaron was telling us about school.” 

 

“He’s doing well,” Tilda says with a sharpness in her voice. “He’s there on a scholarship because his grades are so good.” She has hard eyes fixed on her son, looking for him to disagree. Aaron just nods and shoves his face with potatoes. Luther looks at Cass. 

 

“How did you get ahold of my son?” Luther asks. It’s like Nicky isn’t even there, he slouches in his chair further away from Erik. Neil tries to dislodge Andrew’s knife but it’s in deeper than he anticipates. His first attempt fails and he pretends to have been reaching for something else. He salts his already salty turkey. 

 

“Aaron had his number,” Luther’s eyes squint at Aaron. Tilda’s fork clatters loudly on her plate and she apologizes.   

 

“Andrew invited him,” Aaron chokes in reply. 

 

“Who is this?” Luther says, bluntly pointing to Neil before Aaron can say anything else. 

 

“Friend,” Neil says, because it’s the simplest answer. 

 

Luther says. “You attend the same institution as my nephews?” He looks over Neil, not believing him to be Catholic. Neil rolls up his bloody sleeve. It’s a mistake because Nicky gasps at the sight of three half-moon marks indented in Neil’s skin. “You attending church, boy?” 

 

“We all go to church Uncle Luther,” Aaron says.  

 

“Why isn’t he with his own family?” Luther asks. 

 

“They’re dead,” Neil answers and Nicky chokes on his glass of water. 

 

“Andrew invited him, Dad, Neil’s his roommate.” Luther’s eyes flare at the last word off Nicky’s tongue. 

 

“Oh is he?” Luther sets his fork and knife down before balling up his napkin. “Is he like your roommate, then, Nicholas?” Nicky ducks his head. Cass, the ever present homemaker, says they should take dessert in the living room and would Drake help her with the pies? Cass taps her husband’s shoulder and he follows her into the kitchen as well. Neil thinks if she could have called Andrew to come out with them she would have. None of the Minyards move. 

 

Luther’s chair scrapes against the floor as he stands up, a closed fist pressed in the table. Neil tenses for a fight. “You have a lot of nerve showing up here when you know your mother and I don’t want you around the two of them.” Maria’s eyes are trained down on her plate. Luther has a finger lasered in on Nicky’s chest. “You disrespected our wishes by keeping in contact with Aaron. Now whatever your influence has brought about-” 

 

“Mr. Hemmick, I think we should step outside,” Erik says setting his napkin down on the table and rising.  

 

“You weren’t supposed to talk to me?” Aaron asks Nicky in German. 

 

“I thought you knew,” Nicky says. 

 

“I would have been more careful if-” Tilda slams her hand down and the glasses on the table rattle. Aaron jumps in his seat. 

 

“Aaron Michael you will speak English in front of me or not at all.” Tilda’s voice is tight and frantic but with cruel undercurrent. Neil can see she has a mean streak under her hysterical exterior. 

 

“I understand things can be stressful around the holidays,” Erik tries to soothe. “But I think we should respect our host by putting aside our differences for the evening.” Luther will not sit and so long as he stands so does Erik. Neil jumps when Luther bangs into the table on his way around his wife. He wants to reach Nicky but Erik is a wall. “Mr. Hemmick,” Erik switches to German when speaking with his beloved, “Nicky, what do you want to do?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Nicky is hugging his arms around himself, “we should leave. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know he would be like this.” Neil thinks Nicky might cry. 

 

“No, please stay,” Aaron blurts in frantic German. “Or take me with you.” 

 

“Take him,” Andrew snaps in German, he grabs Aaron’s shoulder and lifts him up. Both of the twins are on their feet and Neil finds himself trying to calculate the quickest path to the door. 

 

“Aaron Michael sit down,” Tilda says. “We are being rude, we are guests in this family’s home-”

 

“Nicky and I are leaving,” Erik says to Luther who frowns his contempt. “You will move aside or I will move you.” Luther takes his pride and paces far enough away that the two can pass. While Erik grabs their coats Nicky looks back to Aaron. 

 

“Take him,” Andrew says in German, he looks like he is a moment away from throwing Aaron across the table. 

 

“Sit down,” Luther barks and Aaron lands back in his seat, falling from Andrew’s grasp. 

 

“Do not yell at my son,” Tilda interjects. She keeps her hands close to her chest rubbing fabric between her fingers. “I think we all need to take a minute. It seems some of us have lost our heads.” She is glaring at Luther. She reaches a hand across the table, she’s reaching for Aaron’s hand. “Aaron, Aaron, please stay, Mommy hasn’t seen you in such a long time.” Aaron bends forward letting his forehead rest on the wood of the table. 

 

“Do you want to come with us?” Nicky asks, voice wavering, Neil thinks he has guts for saying it in English. Aaron shakes his head while still pressed to the table. “Okay,” Nicky breathes and then he and Erik are out the door. 

 

Neil wants to go after them. He wants to apologize, because it was his idea to invite them. When he thought of dinner he imagined the uncomfortable silences and unspoken understandings of disagreements. Not this loud, crass, outburst of a scene. Neil thought Aaron’s family would have been similar to him, silent and stupidly tolerant despite every discomfort. Though, he supposes, Aaron is like Maria in her silent passivity while Luther runs the show. Neil finally gets ahold of the first aid kit and covers his new cuts. Luther pulls the knife from the table and throws it down. Maria is first to escape and join the Spears in the living room. 

  
  


The problem with Cass is she thinks if she ignores something it will fade away. Be forgotten. There is no mention of Nicky leaving. Opening gifts is unceremonious with Cass trying to overcompensate for Aaron and Andrew’s less than enthusiastic responses. Tilda begins to cry when Aaron opens his gift, it’s a scarf with school colors Neil doesn’t recognize. “Mom,” Aaron says and Tilda shakes her head. 

 

“I love you, baby.” Tilda cups Aaron’s face and kisses his forehead. Neil sits beside Andrew on a short couch, he’s in the habit of making himself small to not take up much space. Andrew’s eyes haven’t left Drake all night. He has a hand near Aaron’s arm in case he needs to grab his brother quickly. Neil wants to ask Andrew about it but Tilda looks like she’s going to snap at Aaron each time Neil tries to speak in German.   

 

When Luther and Maria and Tilda get ready to leave after hours of small talk her smile even looks as if she believes the night has gone well. Her face is full of politeness as she closes the door behind them. As soon as they’re gone Andrew grabs Neil and Aaron and drags them out to the backyard. He closes the sliding glass door on Cass’ protests. “AJ, please, you can talk to me,” Cass says through the door. When she looks like she’s going to follow Andrew begins stacking the patio furniture in front of the door. 

 

Andrew tosses a bag of crackers to Aaron whose fingers fumble with the packets. Andrew doesn’t take one but he lights up a cigarette. There’s a large tree trunk sticking out of the well kept grass. Andrew keeps staring at it. Neil stands beside Andrew inhaling the smell of smoke. Aaron sits on the steps leading off the porch with his back to them. 

 

Neil doesn’t know what to say. It’s been a long time since he felt like this, small, helpless. He wishes he hadn’t come. Luther sounded too much like his father getting ready to snap, and Tilda his mother trying to balance his temper by beating Neil into submission before his father could hurt him more. 

 

“I didn’t mean to do that,” Andrew says and Neil follows his gaze to the large bandage wrapped on Neil’s bicep. 

 

“I know,” Neil says. Andrew looks like he might apologize for it, just not now, not in front of Aaron. “Can we trade questions?” 

 

“You assume I want to talk about this,” Andrew says. 

 

“Why are your nails so sharp?”

 

“Defense.”

 

“You have knives.”

 

“Sometimes I can’t get to them fast enough.” Andrew blows smoke at Neil’s cheek. 

 

“Was it a cigarette that did that to your face?” 

 

“Dashboard lighter,” Neil says. “You think I’d let you smoke so close if it was?”

 

“Is that your question?” 

 

“No, why are we here?” 

 

“Aaron wanted to come,” Andrew says and Aaron pipes up at hearing his name. His face is a twisted scowl of pain and anger. 

 

“I didn’t invite Josten,” Aaron snaps. “He wasn’t supposed to be here.” Aaron fists his hands through his hair. “Uncle Luther would have been fine if Nicky hadn’t…” Aaron pulls off his new scarf. “I was supposed to tell Mom. She still thinks I’m going to Notre Dame.” 

 

“She doesn’t need to know,” Andrew says, “you don’t owe her anything.”

 

“She is our mother,” Aaron says, then he’s slumped forward and Neil thinks he’s trying not to cry. He lets out a shaky breath. “Cass is  _ so  _ nice.” 

 

“I know,” Andrew says walking toward his brother. 

 

“You can just tell how much she gets off on playing Mother and hosting parties and god, she just cares so much-”

 

“I know.” 

 

“You should have just let her adopt you instead of-” 

 

“Aaron,” Andrew presses his foot on Aaron’s back. Neil thinks he might kick him down the steps but he just holds himself there, connecting. Then Aaron chokes on a sob before he coughs to try and cover his wrecked voice. There’s a screech as the sliding door opens and Neil turns around in time to see the chairs tumble into the house. Drake catches them. 

 

“Barricade,” Drake says in a playful tone. He’s changed out of his uniform into casual clothes, sweatpants and t-shirt, his chest is like a solid barrel of muscle. He dismantles Andrew’s blockade easily and stands in front of Neil with one hand scratching at his stomach and the other at the back of his head. “Woah, AJ, do all of your friends come in  _ you  _ size?” Neil furrows his brow and can’t help trying to hold himself taller. Drake laughs. “Wicked scars, it was Neil wasn’t it? I got a couple I could show you later if you want.” Andrew wheels on Drake, eyes glaring. “I know you’re upset I didn’t call.” Drake raises a hand. “Really, Mom wanted it to be a surprise. You know how she is. But hey, if you’ve cooled off then Mom wants to let you know your room is ready.

 

“Heads up though, guest room is covered in not yet sent Christmas cards. One of you will have to take the couch unless either of you don’t mind bunking with me.” Drake smiles. “It’s too bad the old tree isn’t here, I’m sure that would’ve been your first choice, right AJ?” Andrew keeps his stance blocking Aaron from Drake’s view. “Come in soon and I won’t tell Mom I caught you smoking.” Drake winks at Neil before heading back inside. 

 

“I can take couch,” Neil says. 

 

“No,” Andrew says. 

 

“Well I don’t think Aaron will share a bed with me,” Neil says. Aaron has pulled himself together enough to stand and pocket the rest of his crackers. He doesn’t disagree with Neil. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.” 

 

“I’m not sharing a bed with anyone,” Aaron mutters. 

 

“You two shared a womb, it’ll be fine.” 

 

“Shut up, Josten.” 

  
  


Andrew gets his way. The three of them pile into Andrew’s old bedroom. The bed is a double and Aaron has to live with sharing it with his brother. Neil takes the floor much to Cass’ displeasure. “Neil, really, there’s a comfy couch downstairs that has your name on it.” Neil declines because Andrew won’t let him accept. “I’ll leave the sheets and blankets there if you change your mind in the night.” Cass explains that the bathroom is just down the hall across from Drake’s room. “Oh, and leftovers are in the containers with red lids, blue is what I’m taking to church tomorrow. In case you get hungry in the night.” 

 

Neil thanks her but is distracted by Andrew playing with the door handle. Cass notices. “New locks,” she says, “Richard finally got around to those updates we’ve been needing. The people before us had these cheap doors, I finally got tired of the old gold lever looking knobs. I think the round silver is much more modern.” Andrew tests the lock and tries to force the handle to turn. It seems secure enough, not like the locks at the school dorms. Cass bids them good night and retires to her room. Andrew shuts and locks the door as soon as she’s gone. 

 

Neil changes in the dark into flannel pajama pants and a shirt that doesn’t have blood on it. Aaron and Andrew are trying to negotiate territory lines as Neil settles into his place on the floor. He doesn’t remember falling asleep but a rattling noise wakes him from a nightmare. 

 

Neil is a light sleeper, affected by noise, a habit from when his mother would demand he be ready to hide in the middle of the night in case unfriendlies came to the house. The nightmare had been about not being able to see his mother after she was taken from him. The government had taken him into custody and then told him later his mother was found dead. The dream was the feeling of dread of the news he didn’t know was coming. Then the choice “tell us what they did and we’ll protect you” which really meant “betray your family and we’ll let you live”, it was not a real choice.  

 

He sits upright and sees the digital clock flickering that it’s just after midnight. The rattling noise isn’t there when he’s conscious so Neil thinks he must have dreamt it. When he tries to close his eyes again he can see figures in the dark trying to get to him. He can’t shake the feeling. When he has nightmares at the dorms he wanders to the bathroom and shocks his system with water. 

 

Blindly, Neil feels around for his socks and slips them on before heading out into the hall. He turns toward the bathroom but a figure blocks his path. Hair prickles on the back of Neil’s neck. He hides himself back in the room trying to look through the crack in the door, he preemptively locks the door. There isn’t enough light. It could be the ghost of his father, more likely it’s someone on a midnight trip as well. 

 

He’s about to close the door when a voice says, “didn’t mean to scare you.” It’s Drake, Neil realizes. 

 

“I’m fine, bathroom is yours,” Neil says. Drake starts walking toward him and Neil steps out into the hall to have this conversation so as to not wake the twins. 

 

“Nah, I’m all done,” Drake says. Neil nods but Drake doesn’t really move to let him pass. Neil closes the bedroom door and then makes his way to a sink to run water and splash his face. Drake is still out in the hall when Neil returns to let himself back in. The door is locked. Neil lives up to Andrew’s nickname for him. 

 

“I’m so dumb,” Neil sighs. 

 

“Locked out?” Drake asks. “I think there’s one of those rods to unlock it downstairs.” Neil shakes his head. 

 

“I can just take the couch,” he whispers. 

 

“Sure,” Drake says, “I’ll get you set up.” Neil is about to tell him he’s fine on his own but he figures Drake probably takes after his mother in the hospitality department. Drake follows Neil down the stairs and Neil finds himself in the kitchen instead of the living room. Drake flicks on a light and Neil squints, the less formal living room is adjacent to the kitchen and Cass has covered a large couch with a sheet and left a number of pillows. The blankets are all nicely folded on the coffee table. 

 

“I’m good,” Neil says but Drake is at the fridge. 

 

“You ever have homemade eggnog?” Drake asks and Neil shakes his head. “You’re missing out, let me pour you a glass.” 

 

“I’m tired,” Neil says though he’s feeling more awake the more he stands under the kitchen’s fluorescent lights. 

 

“It’ll just take a second,” Drake says pulling out a glass pitcher full of a creamy white substance, he turns around and Neil sees Drake’s lost his shirt. He’s heavily tattooed, Neil wonders how much ink it would take to cover that much skin. “Dad makes it the best. Mom adds too many eggs.” 

 

“I thought there was alcohol in it,” Neil says with a glance out the window. He wonders what it would like to be snowed in, have a real white Christmas.  

 

“Traditionally,” Drake says pouring a glass. He sprinkles something on top and then adds cinnamon stick from a pack in the cupboard. “You don’t drink?”

 

“I’m eighteen,” Neil says. Drake hands him the glass and Neil accepts taking a seat at the kitchen table. His shirt sleeves are too long and cover most of his fingers from feeling the direct cold of the drink. “What’s in it?” 

 

“Eggs, milk, cream,” Drake lists other things, Neil takes a sip and tries not to look surprised with the flavor. “Too much booze?” Drake asks. 

 

“You said it wasn’t alcohol,” Neil says setting the glass down on the table. 

 

“I said no such thing,” Drake laughs. Neil pushes the glass toward him offering the rest. “No, I can get my own.” Drake does but forgoes the extra garnishes. He chugs half the glass. Neil takes a polite sip, getting down a fourth of the glass before remembering the wine and Matt. He sets it down and doesn’t touch it again. Neil doesn’t know how to tell Drake to fuck off while also maintaining houseguest niceties. Neil looks out the back door, and even though he can’t see anything, Drake says, “used to be a huge tree in the back. A big oak.”

 

“Hm,” Neil says feigning interest and debating whether or not Drake would stop talking if he just got up and lay down. 

 

“Andrew used to climb it,” Drake says, “slept in the branches a couple times. Cass was afraid he’d fall.” Neil tries to picture Andrew, a tree climber, he laughs. “I had to convince her to cut it down. He would climb out his window at night and try and be in it, it wasn’t safe.” 

 

“Maybe he just didn’t like sleeping in his room,” Neil says. 

 

“He’s the kind of person with a death wish,” Drake says and Neil shakes his head, disagreeing. “You’re his roommate so you’ve probably seen his,” Drake mimics cutting his wrist and Neil frowns. “I’m guessing you didn’t do that to yourself,” Drake gestures to Neil’s face. 

 

“You’re being rude,” Neil says bluntly. Drake is fishing in his pocket for something. “Look, I’m tired so I’m just gonna-” Drake pulls a knife and Neil stands abruptly letting his chair clatter back. He moves too fast and his head spins, everything is dizzy.The room tilts sideways. He tries to clear his head, no, his father’s men are dead. They can’t know where he is. Drake flips the butterfly knife around in a display. 

 

“It’s cool right?” Just some dumb soldier trying to show off. Drake leaves the knife on the table and stands in front of Neil. “You wanna see mine?” Neil thinks they're still talking about scars but things are fuzzy. “Do you have more?” Neil tries to walk toward the couch but he loses his footing. Drake grabs him before he falls over the table, holding him upright. 

 

“Let me go,” Neil says trying to push him off. Drake does and Neil fights his way to the couch. Standing, the idea of standing, makes Neil sweat. He’s exhausted. Everything is too hot. 

 

“Maybe you should lie down,” Drake says and Neil tells his body to push Drake’s arm away. His body doesn’t move. Consciousness is something he clings to like a dying thing, maybe he is dying. Something presses into his sides and his mouth laughs despite him not remembering to tell it to. His head hits the pillow and it’s back to being lost in the black. 

  
  


 

Andrew wakes when Aaron’s arm hits his stomach. His eyes open and the sight of his old room sends him into a panic. Aaron crashes out of bed when Andrew kicks him, curses flying while Andrew tries to calm down. Andrew runs to check the door first, still locked. “What the fuck Andrew?” Aaron groans. Andrew turns on the light and Aaron shields his eyes. Aaron, just Aaron. The door is locked. They are safe. Andrew’s foot kicks a pillow and his brain catches up as Aaron says, “where’s Josten?”

 

Andrew is in the hallway a second later. The bathroom is empty, Drake’s door is open and there’s no one inside. There’s a knocking sound coming from downstairs and Andrew shoves Aaron aside as he flies down the hall jumping over half the staircase to reach the first floor. He races toward the light in the kitchen. He sees three things, a knife on the table, Drake, and Neil looking fucking dead. Neil’s body is limp, lying over the couch, his eyelids aren’t properly closed all the way. Drake turns but he’s slow. Andrew already has the knife in his hand and buries it into Drake’s shoulder.

 

Drake cries out and Andrew has his own knives in hand ready to cut at every inch of exposed skin. Drake stumbles in his escape and falls head first over the coffee table. The loud crash as his body hits the sound system shakes Andrew’s whole world. There’s another clamouring behind him and Andrew turns to see Aaron, white faced and horrified. Neil’s shirt is hiked up but his pants are still on. Drake is groaning as he tries to move and Aaron backs away. 

 

Andrew readies his weapons to strike again when Cass screams. She’s calling for Richard and then begging Andrew to stop, please stop, and Andrew just wants her to shut up. Andrew waits until Drake is on his feet again but Drake has no fight in him. The blade in his shoulder had been jammed further in and aside in the fall. He crumples at the pain. There’s a bulge in Drake’s sweatpants declaring what his intentions were. Andrew goes to strike him in his virility but Cass throws her body over her son. He stops inches away from piercing through her back. 

 

“I’m going to call the police,” Richard says trying to find a phone. 

 

“No,” croaks a voice, Drake, like a coward who knows he’s been caught and is begging for mercy. Cass tries to reason with him while staring in horror at Andrew. They both have sunk to their knees. Aaron keeps saying Neil’s name. He’s kneeling beside Josten trying to wake him. Andrew can’t take the look in Cass’ eyes and he sheaths his blades. Andrew props Neil’s body upright. 

 

“Andrew, he’s really cold,” Aaron says. Andrew turns back to Drake, shoves Cass aside, and grabs the handle of the blade stuck in his shoulder. 

 

“What the fuck did you give him?” Cass keeps saying his name and Andrew twists the knife into Drake. “What was it?” His voice is cold and even. 

 

“G, Liquid X,” Drake croaks a gasp, “he’ll be fine in a couple of hours.” Andrew slams his fist against Drake’s face. There’s a great satisfaction in seeing his head jerk to the side. Blood reddens Drake’s mouth and Andrew hits him again. Drake is lying on his side struggling to breathe through the pain. Behind him he hears a bubble of laughter. Aaron has a blanket over Neil now, whose eyes are more open and seemingly alert. He breathes slowly and loudly before closing his eyes again. Alive.

 

“Where are your car keys?” Andrew asks Cass and Cass is still trying to plead with him. He turns and orders Aaron to find his phone and get to the car with Josten’s things. Aaron is quicker to react than Cass. “Keys,” Andrew says and Cass tells him this time. Andrew brings his heel down to smash against Drake’s nose. Drake howls and Andrew lifts Neil in a bridal carry and heads for the front door. Aaron is running down the stairs and Andrew tells him to grab the keys. Then the three of them are piled into Cass’ BMW and tearing off into the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know what I was gonna do? I was gonna end it with neil blacking out. but i have a heart so i didn't. see you tomorrow <3


	18. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rip wings off butterflies, then show small children- because in bare spring just feels so out of place so we wanted to recreate that feeling by having some Aaron pov for your viewing pleasure (tw for abuse and mentions of abuse)

Neil wakes to the sound of voices arguing. There are lights flashing past his eyes. He’s lying down but he can’t remember how he got here. His stomach feels like it’s rolling with too much liquid. He needs to vomit. Neil tries to turn himself on his side but there’s something keeping him still. A belt. Is he in a car? 

 

“Can you hear me?” A voice asks. 

 

“Sick,” Neil says and the words come out jumbled. It’s hilarious. Neil starts laughing and hands help sit him upright. Laughter is bubbling in his stomach, and then it isn’t, Neil vomits on the floor of the backseat. Or he thinks he does. He feels like he’s retching. There’s nothing coming up. 

 

“Pull over,” there’s a blond angel beside Neil. He has golden hair and pale skin and his white shirt is glowing. Neil reaches for the apparition only to come into contact with skin. The angel looks at him and Neil thinks he recognizes him. 

 

“Drew,” Neil says, or tries to say. Then the car has stopped and the angel is unbelting him and helping him out the door. The cool night air hits Neil’s face and Neil’s knees buckle as he slumps to the ground. He manages to hold himself on all fours because his elbow won’t bend and this time when he retches a stream of white spills into the space between his hands. 

 

There’s a hand on his back and Neil imagines the angel petting him. Comforting him. There there. Then Neil falls to his side and loses all awareness. 

  
  


Aaron watches in horror as Neil falls away from his hand and begins to convulse. “Andrew,” Aaron says, but Andrew is on the phone talking to Kevin. He’s trying to get information about what Josten took. The seizure lasts two minutes and the seconds feel like years. Aaron keeps placing his hands on his head, or folded across his chest, or wondering how he should help Josten. Josten stops looking like all of his muscles are tensed at once. Aaron tries to sit him up in case he’s going to vomit again. 

 

“Back in the car,” Andrew says closing his phone. 

 

“We should get him to a hospital,” Aaron says. 

 

“We’re taking him to Nicky’s apartment.” 

 

“Do you even know where he lives?” 

 

“Get Josten back in the car,” Andrew says, “Kevin says he should be fine in another hour.” 

 

Aaron doesn’t think Andrew is just going to show up at their cousin’s place unannounced. But he does. Aaron has Neil’s arm over his shoulders as he supports him standing. Andrew bangs on the door with a heavy fist. Getting Josten up the stairs took his full effort and he doesn’t have the strength to tell Andrew off for being loud at two in the morning. 

 

It’s Erik who answers, he’s wearing shorts only and has an old exy racket in one hand raised like a weapon. Andrew pushes past him into the apartment. Aaron has only been here once, Nicky had invited him and introduced him to Erik. The place is very Nicky in that there are still unpacked boxes in the corner of the kitchen, Aaron can see Nicky’s old exy uniform and gear strung out which he assumes is where Erik got the racket from. 

 

It had taken Aaron a while to come to terms with Nicky’s preference in dating and sex after years of hearing from his uncle and church about the wrongness of it. Aaron still holds the belief that sex is a private affair not to be talked about in general. Seeing it is something else entirely. Nicky is wrapping himself in a spare blanket but evidence of what Erik and he had been in the middle of sits on the side table beside a modest sized couch. Aaron isn’t sure what some of the things are even for but his nose turns up at the sight of a giant bottle of lube. 

 

“Hey guys,” Nicky says trying to act casual. Like it isn’t the middle of the night. Like this is just something that happens. 

 

“Josten needs your couch,” Andrew says. Aaron is skeptical about setting Neil down but Nicky moves so he does what Andrew says. Josten falls like deadweight and then groans. “Probably needs a bucket.” Aaron goes to the kitchen to find a bowl. 

 

“What’s wrong with him?” Nicky asks and Aaron is back with the largest mixing bowl he could find as Josten retches again. “How did you get here? What happened to staying at Cass’?” 

 

“He’ll be fine in half an hour,” Andrew says. Aaron thinks he’s trying to remind himself of that more than inform Nicky. Aaron drops to the couch and puts his head in his hands. 

 

“Drake said-” Andrew hand catches Aaron’s hair. 

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Andrew says. Aaron knocks Andrew’s hand aside. 

 

“Josten took some shit,” Aaron says, “G something-”

 

“Kevin said it only lasts-”

 

“We should be taking him to a hospital!” Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose. “Can you not think about yourself for one fucking second? It’s about what is best for Josten. Not your aversion to doctors or nurses who are just trying to-”

 

“Whose insurance is going to pay for Neil’s visit?” Andrew asks. “Hm? We don’t know if he’s covered. Do you have money to foot the bill of the ER expenses? Because I’m sure Cass or Tilda would love to get a call from us asking for- Do you know Josten is emancipated? That means he’s responsible for his own shit. There’s no family he can call. They won’t let us see him once he’s back there because we’re not blood-” Andrew exhales a slow breath. “I don’t know if he has the money. He has to pay his own tuition and I don’t know what his situation is.” 

 

“We can figure something out,” Aaron says and Andrew balls his hands into fists. “I have some money saved up.” He jabs a finger at Aaron’s temple. 

 

“You’re not thinking brother mine,” Andrew says, “if police get involved with him then the school will get involved. He doesn’t need that shit.” Neil shifts on the couch and he tries to lift himself upright. Nicky is standing out of the way in his blanket and Erik is holding the racket like a flag he’s just stuck in the ground. 

 

“ _ You _ don’t want that,” Aaron says, “you don’t want police involved because you think they’ll arrest you.” 

 

“It’s not about me,” Andrew says but Aaron doesn’t buy it. 

 

“You’re going to have to explain your situation,” Erik says to them, “if you are wanting to keep your sick friend here.”

 

“They can stay,” Nicky says. Erik looks at him with a firm but understanding expression. “Just tell us what happened, how can we help you?” Aaron looks down at his bare feet. None of them are wearing shoes. Andrew’s clothes have Drake’s blood on them, the darkness of the stains looking like they should be there. Like they’ve always been there. Neil gets himself oriented and steadies himself with a hand on Aaron’s thigh. He gasps like a man emerging from underwater.  

 

“Andrew,” Neil says staring at the floor, his voice is slow and drunken, “Andrew I can’t see. I drank something and now the room is- are we at the motel?” Neil’s words are slurred and tripping over one another. “I have money, you keep saying things about money. It’s in an account the detectives set up years ago. I can get you some if,” Neil tries to focus on breathing. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask.” He pulls his hand away from Aaron’s leg. 

 

“You’re on Nicky’s couch,” Aaron says. “We’re in his apartment.”

 

“God,” Neil says, he leans back against the couch, “tell him I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to be like that. I wouldn’t have suggested it if I knew.” 

 

“How do you feel?” Nicky asks. Neil looks over at Nicky, he looks at each of the faces around the room. He realizes, even in his wasted stupor, that it’s Aaron beside him. Andrew meets Neil’s glassy eyed gaze. 

 

“Did you,” Neil breathes and looks down at Andrew’s hands. “Did you stab him?” Nicky’s sharp inhale is followed by Neil laughing like a giddy toddler. “You said one time, that we all go after our parents. That’s why Aaron likes Katelyn. Does this mean I like you cause you’re a good Butcher?” Neil frowns and his jaw trembles. He leans forward and stares down at his feet. 

 

“Stop saying stupid things,” Andrew says crossing to kneel in front of Josten. He takes Neil’s face in his hands and stares at him. “Do you remember what happened?” Neil nods, but then shakes his head, then nods again. 

 

“Got up,” Neil says, “locked myself out. Gonna sleep on couch. Drake offered something white to drink. Said he cut down your tree.” Neil reaches to touch Andrew’s face but stops before making contact. “I’m sorry, you must have been sad.” Andrew puts pressure against either side of Josten’s head. “I was dizzy when I stood up. Drake helped me lie down.” Neil closes his eyes. “There was something about sharing scars. I couldn’t move my body. I think he was standing next to me. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and something was in my face.” Neil shakes his head. “I don’t remember.” Neil opens his eyes wide. “There was a loud boom, like something falling. Then the next thing I saw was you twisting a knife in-” Neil nods his head. “Yeah, then there was an angel in the car.” 

 

“Did he touch you?” Andrew asks. 

 

“The angel?” Neil asks. “I think it was you.” 

 

“No,” Andrew says. Neil shakes his head.

 

“I don’t know, it’s all blurry,” Neil touches his chest. “Maybe, pushing, scars. Tickling? I think I remember laughing.” Neil closes his eyes. “I can’t stare at anything, you’re all moving.” 

 

“He drugged you?” Nicky exclaims finally putting two and two together. “Oh my God,” he starts muttering to himself, “oh my god.” He sits in a chair across from Aaron. “Where were you two?” Nicky asks. 

 

“Asleep,” Aaron says. He remembers Andrew’s odd behavior upon waking. How he seemed to know to look for Josten as soon as he woke. “Andrew,” Aaron looks at his brother, his brother who looks like his life depends on fixing Josten, “did you know?” Andrew doesn’t look at him. “Did you know Drake was going to-” 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew says. “He wasn’t supposed to be there.” 

 

“You knew Drake was crazy and didn’t tell us?” Aaron doesn’t know when he and Josten became an  _ us _ . They’re both Andrew’s- Andrew’s what? It doesn’t matter, they were both kept in the dark. But Aaron, Aaron is his brother, he deserves to know.   

 

“I’m not talking about this with you.” 

 

“What’s  _ this _ , Andrew? If you knew-” Aaron’s blood goes cold. The understanding that dawns on his face is not lost on the others. His voice is near lost, it curls into the deepest part of Aaron’s gut. Still, he has to ask. “When you were living there, did he-?” Andrew clamps his hand over his brother’s mouth. 

 

“Stop talking.” Andrew’s grips is something fierce and Aaron remembers the dents left in Neil’s arm. “We are not talking about this.”

 

“Drew,” Neil is saying, “Drew I want to,” there’s something unintelligible mumbled and then, “yes or no?” Aaron doesn’t look at Josten. Pieces of the puzzle that is Andrew are falling into place and the picture is heavy, horrifying. Nicky is already near crying about it. He’s got Erik who’s smart enough to remind Nicky in German not to say anything intrusive. Except to Aaron, Erik looks big and intimidating beside his leaner cousin and he twists it in his mind to reflect what he wants to be angry about. “Tired,” Neil is saying.

 

“Maybe we should reconvene in the morning,” Erik says, ever the voice of reason. Before Aaron can tell him where to shove his opinion his phone rings. He takes the noisy device into the kitchen. The sight of the caller ID makes his stomach bottom out. He answers the call from his mother.

 

His mother is a wreck. She is crying and asking where he is, is he safe, why did he leave Cass’? He should have just come home for Christmas. He shouldn’t be so worried about Andrew’s family. Because Andrew is not their family, not really. And remember when it was just the two of them, weren’t they special? Didn’t Aaron love his Mommy? Why does he need Andrew? Because Andrew is a no good bastard who is ungrateful and trying to ruin her life. All of her money is going because of him. Then Aaron’s mother is cursing him. Calling him every name under the sun. The worst, and her newest favorite, is when she says she should have gone back for Andrew. She’s worked herself up to the point of hysterical sobbing, “I’m sorry, Mommy’s so sorry, she loves you so much Aaron. You’re my boy. My special boy.” 

 

Aaron’s heard this rant. He’s heard it hundreds of thousands of times on a thousand different days. Each time hurts. His heart goes on a rollercoaster and tries to fly out of his throat. He wrestles it back down to the bottom of his gut where it makes him nauseous, but is at least maintainable. 

 

When his mother breaks down into her quieter fits of crying Aaron says, “I’m okay, Mom.” Then she’s back to barking into the phone that he needs to come home. Come straight home. Because Mommy is so worried and needs to make sure he’s safe. Aaron doesn’t realize tears are running down his face until he tries to say “okay” and a bubble bursts from his lips. He waits for his mother to hang up and then he dries his eyes on his sleeves. 

 

Nicky is the one to check on him. “Cass told my mom that we ran off.” 

 

“You’re not going to her house,” Nicky says, calmly and like it’s not up for debate. Aaron hates it. 

 

“She said she’ll call the police if I don’t go,” Aaron says. 

 

“Will she?” Nicky asks. Aaron thinks back to all the times when he’s tried to defend himself from her. Tried to fight back and avoid the worst of the beatings. Like when she gets at him with a belt after he’s had a shower and his skin is hot and sensitive. He’s tried to get away and then she is the one to call the police. She is the one claiming Aaron is wild and unruly and threatening her. He’s watched her slice her palm open and laugh saying she’ll tell the cops it was him.`  

 

“Yes,” Aaron says. Nicky pulls Aaron into a hug. 

 

“I’ll walk you to the car,” he says, “just let me put something on.” Nicky slips into his and Erik’s room and explains what’s happening, in German, to Erik. Aaron grabs a cup from the cupboard and fills it with water, he downs the last packets of crackers and chugs the entire glass. Erik pretends not to see the wrappers Aaron throws in the trash. 

 

Aaron walks back out into the living room and Josten is lying with his head in Andrew’s lap, his face turned in. Andrew’s hand is on Josten’s head. Not moving, just, sure. His jaw is clenched tight and Aaron wonders if he’ll crack his own teeth. Aaron thinks he understands, and he fucking hates this feeling of knowing. Aaron is Andrew’s brother. Josten is Andrew’s  _ what _ ? Nicky is back, wearing a robe and a pair of drawstring pants holding a small box. 

 

“I didn’t get to give you your gift,” Aaron tears open the wrapping because Nicky won’t let him reject the present entirely. Inside there’s a necklace box but Nicky nods his head to keep going. Inside the box, on top of a cloud of white, is a plane ticket for Washington with Aaron’s name on it. The date is set after his high school graduation. Aaron holds his breath and Nicky hugs it out of him. “You’re so close,” he says, “you can make it. Just a few more months.”

 

Aaron nods. He wants it to be true. He isn’t as sure.


	19. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh man, this is end of act one, it's not grand but we about to dive into all the drama and angst coming soon to a theater near you tw for sexual abuse mentions and abuse mentions
> 
> and they were talking  
> oh my god they were talking

Erik and Nicky let Neil and Andrew stay on their couch for three nights. Then they plan to go to a motel that Neil will book through New Years so they don’t have to talk to the school about getting in the dorms early. Neil still feels dizzy when he stands or moves his head too quickly. Andrew keeps trying to get him to drink loads of water to flush whatever is still bothering Neil out of his system but it just means he has to pee all the freaking time. 

 

Staying with Nicky is pleasant and claustrophobic. Nicky doesn’t pry after Andrew says they won’t talk about Christmas. Instead he chats with Neil and tries to learn more about Andrew. Neil welcomes the distraction. The problem comes at night when the one bedroom apartment is too small for four men. Neil sleeps on the couch and Andrew will sit at his feet upright and sleep there. Neil doesn’t think Andrew really sleeps though, each time he’ll wake in the night Andrew will already be up and ready to tell Neil to go back to sleep.

 

Aaron calls Nicky to tell him that he and Tilda got the car back to Cass. Andrew won’t talk to his brother over the phone. Nicky finds out Drake ended up in the hospital but not much else. Andrew and Neil get a motel and it’s Erik who chauffeurs them back toward school. Kevin offered to drive them but Andrew has a different favor to ask of him. Erik wishes them well and waits for them to disappear into a room before driving off. For the first time, in what feels like too long a while, Neil and Andrew are alone. It’s not the same motel room they stayed in before, the layout is flipped, but it’s identical. Andrew starts rearranging the furniture. 

 

“You said you would talk,” Neil says. “I’m here to listen.” Andrew has a cigarette lit and he’s smoking inside while Neil finds something to stand on to try and dismantle the smoke detector. Andrew stands but he waves a hand in front of him telling Neil to take a seat in the cushioned chair. Neil sits and Andrew leans against the foot of the bed across from him. 

 

“Cass shouldn’t have lied to me,” Andrew says, “he shouldn’t have been there.” 

 

“She didn’t know,” Neil says and Andrew scoffs a laugh.

 

“Hah, you’d think that wouldn’t you?” 

 

“You didn’t know he was going to be there,” Neil says, but Andrew still had prepared for the threat of Drake. He had sharpened his nails. As soon as Drake had shown up Andrew had done everything in his power to keep both Neil and Aaron from him. The food at dinner. Sharing a room. Checking the locks. “I shouldn't have left the room.”

 

“Shut up,” Andrew says, “that is the last time you try and take any accountability for what happened.” 

 

“I accepted the drink! I knew you were on edge and I wasn’t thinking. If I had just stopped trying to be a polite houseguest-” Neil shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have gone. You would have managed Aaron fine if I hadn’t-”

 

“Not everything is about you Josten, Drake is what he is and he should suffer for it, you have no part in that.” Andrew blows smoke over Neil. “You were just there. There’s no point in regret. No point in dwelling on what you could have done. It doesn’t serve you.” Andrew narrows his eyes. “You think I didn’t try every tactic I could think of?” Neil’s breath catches, because Andrew isn’t only talking about defending him and Aaron. “If you look at me like that I’m not saying anything else.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Neil says. He means the word to its full extent. 

 

“You are insufferable,” Andrew says. He stands to stub his cigarette out on the windowsill before tossing the butt out the window. 

 

“What do you want from me?” 

 

“Nothing,” Andrew says. Neil tucks his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his shins. They sit in the silence and Neil keeps his eyes on Andrew’s face. There’s such tension around his mouth that Neil’s own jaw aches. When Andrew makes up his mind Neil can see the shift, Andrew’s stare becomes blank and his face relaxes into apathy. “One,” Andrew says leaning against the windowsill, “I’ve been with one person, aside from you, by choice. We’d make out and I’d blow him.” 

 

“Okay,” Neil says. Andrew isn’t finished. 

 

“Cass was house number four,” Andrew says, “Drake was number five.” Neil holds his breath. “I told myself that Cass’ was a step up because at the Proust’s there were two of them. At least at Cass’ there was only one. And he was  _ nice _ during the day.” Andrew curls his fingers in and scrapes at the palm of his hand. “So yes, there were others, five others, and they didn’t care about  _ no _ or  _ don’t  _ or  _ please stop _ .” 

 

Neil buries his head in his hands. He knows how it must look, that he can’t handle Andrew’s words, but it’s not true. Heat is spreading through his body like wildfire, red rage that pools in his fists. He’ll kill them. He’ll burn the world. Control, he’s trying to control his body from quaking with the wrath that’s eating him. There’s a sick satisfaction as he replays the image of Andrew twisting the knife in Drake’s body. Dead. He should be dead. Neil looks Andrew in the eye. His body is hot but his eyes are cold. Andrew is leaning back on his hands, like he’s waiting for Neil to make up his mind. 

 

This is Andrew’s truth. Andrew carries it, just like Neil carries his own scars. Trauma,  _ trauma, trauma,  _ pulses between them. But Andrew held Neil’s truth without flinching. It’s Neil’s turn. Neil doesn’t know if he can do it, because Neil’s parents are dead that door is closed, but Drake is  _ alive _ and Neil wants to kill him. Andrew doesn't want that, he wants Neil to do nothing. 

 

“You don’t fight my fights,” Andrew says. 

 

“I’ll help you plan,” Neil says finally finding his voice again. He is sure and hardened. “I’ll help you burn his body.” Their bodies. All of them. 

 

“You going to kill all the big bad rapists for me?” Andrew’s words are a wicked blow. Neil wants to tell him to stop. Stop mocking his own pain, like it doesn’t matter. It matters to Neil. He fucking cares. 

 

“Truth for truth,” Neil says. 

 

“This is not a part of that game, Neil. My little sob story was in exchange for Christmas and our deal.”

 

“Tell me what you want me-” Neil opens his fists. “Nothing,” he says, letting the air rush from him. “What is nothing? What does it mean? How can I be nothing?” Andrew says nothing for a long time. 

 

“We are going to the other side of the country,” Andrew says. “Washington. Away from all of it.” Neil crosses his arms. “That’s the promise.”

 

“We’re making a promise, a deal, of what?” 

 

“Time, with you,” Andrew says. “Commitment.” Promise. 

 

“How much time?” 

 

“However long you plan on living,” Andrew scoffs, “or until I get sick of looking at you. You said I’m stuck with you. You might fall down a flight of stairs before the contract runs out. ” 

 

“Andrew I-”   
  


“I might push you down a flight of stairs.” 

 

“Okay,” 

 

“Do we need to find some stairs now, Abram?” Andrew looks at Neil from the corner of his eye. Neil is at a loss for words. He wants to tell Andrew it’s shit timing to ask him for this. Though, Neil remembers, Andrew had planned this talk for after Christmas. Planned to open all of the past doors and future paths all at once so if they crashed it would be an even more hellish blow to his person. Andrew puts his suffering so close to his, could Neil even be called the word, joy.    

 

Neil stares at the room. “I should have asked for two beds.” 

 

“No,” Andrew says. 

 

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Neil says, “with touching.” 

 

“We’ve been touching.” 

 

“That was before when-”

 

“When you didn’t know.” Andrew draws a new cigarette out of the pack, with his teeth. “I knew. I know my boundaries. I trust you to stop.” Andrew grabs Neil’s jaw. “I don’t want you getting a complex about this. I’ve had time to work it out for myself. I can choose.” Andrew’s fingers soften their grip. “You get to choose. Move to Washington with me after graduation, yes or no?”

 

“Yes,” 

 

“Hope to die,”

 

“I’ve never had this,” Neil says, it feels wrong to smile so instead he clenches the necklace Andrew gifted him in a tight fist. “Consistency. You are the only constant in my life. I don’t know what I would do after school without that.”

 

“You’d live,” Andrew says releasing Neil’s chin from his grasp.

 

“Would it really be living?”  

 

“You don’t need me.”

 

“But I want you,” Neil says. Andrew is back to staring out the window. 

 

“I will sleep on the floor,” Andrew says, “if you need the space.” 

 

“I don’t need space.”

 

“If you need time.” 

 

“We have time,” Neil says. “There will be no rush.”

 

They don’t talk for the rest of the evening. Andrew will look at Neil for signs of Neil doesn’t know what. Neil can’t remember the night at Cass’ clearly, there’s no memory of dread haunting him. Just the image of Andrew and the knife. He corrupts the scene in his mind, alters it to be something he wants to remember. Neil wants to remember the artful revenge. Because if Neil sees Drake again, he will take up using knives, and there will be no hesitation as to who he is doing it for.  

  
  
  


Police are at their door at dawn. It’s Neil who answers, thinking it’s the housekeeper come to scold him about the cigarette butts. He didn’t check. Stupid. Neil is wearing sweatpants and no shirt. He had thought to scare the Greek woman off in good fun. The officer is leaning his weight on one leg with his hands on his belt. “Hey son, can I come in?” 

 

“No,” Neil says and tries to close the door. The cop places a hand on the door. 

 

“I’m here to speak with Andrew Minyard.” 

 

“I don’t know who that is,” Neil says out of compulsion to lie, to protect. 

 

“I could arrest you for obstruction,” he says. The officer is tracing Neil’s scars with his eyes, not afraid, but properly wary. 

 

“Try it,” Neil says. A hand pulls Neil’s shoulder back and Andrew is awake and dressed behind him. 

 

“Hello Andrew,” the cop says. 

 

“Do you have a warrant?” Andrew asks. 

 

“No, but-” Andrew slams the door shut. It’s blocked by the officer’s foot. The door bounces back open revealing the entirety of the rearranged motel room to the cop. “I’m here as a friend.”

 

“Whose,” Andrew says. 

 

“Cass suffered quite a fright and the doctor doesn’t know if she can save all the nerves and what not in Drake’s arm. Might not be able to get it back to how it was.” 

 

“You have ten seconds to tell me what you want before it becomes a problem.” 

 

“You’ll give me longer than that or I’ll arrest your friend for grand theft auto,” the cop says. 

 

“Try it,” Neil says again. The officer doesn’t comment on Neil’s attitude but sends him a disapproving look. 

 

“You’re out of the loop Pig,” Andrew says, “nobody’s car was stolen.” 

 

“Andrew, you stabbed Drake,” the man says. “Help me try and understand.”

 

“You don’t have a warrant,” Andrew says, “I don’t have to talk to you.” 

 

“As a friend,” the man says. “Look, Cass says she won’t press charges on the grounds that you can sit down and have a talk about the incident.” 

 

“I want him to leave,” Neil says in German. “She can’t charge you, nothing is missing.”

 

“Your buddy Drake is in the hospital Pig, curious that you’ve come all this way to have a chat with me when I’m sure he’s got all the answers you want to hear.” 

 

“He doesn’t want law enforcement involved,” the cop says shifting uncomfortably. “Says this is a family matter.” 

 

“That sounds familiar,” Andrew says, “aren’t those the same words you offered me when I came to you two years ago?” 

 

“Now wait a minute,” 

 

“Cass isn’t my guardian anymore. I don’t answer to her. I don’t owe her anything.” 

 

“Andrew-”

 

“Bye Pig,” Andrew says grabbing the door and shutting it slowly in the officer’s face. As the door closes Andrew’s phone goes off and he takes the call from Aaron. Neil double checks the locks on the front door and then he heads into the bathroom for a shower. 

 

Andrew doesn’t have time for all of Aaron’s ramblings, he still disapproves of Aaron’s decision to stay at Tilda’s instead of finding other arrangements. While Aaron is going on about how Luther keeps threatening to pull Andrew’s tuition fund Andrew notices messages blinking on Neil’s phone. They’re from Kevin and identical ones start coming in on Andrew’s phone. 

 

_ I took care of what you asked for.  _

_ Give it a week.  _

_ Someone trashed your room.  _

_ Probably Matt.  _

_ Or Aaron.  _

_ Aaron stopped by to pick something up. _

_ Thought it was you at first so I didn’t ask.  _

_ Dorms are open early cause Wymack is around preparing show stuff.  _

 

Which means Aaron is back at the dorms, he admits as much when Andrew asks.

 

“Where are you?” Aaron asks, tone turning more serious. “It’s about Mom. I need to talk to you about-”

 

“I know about Tilda’s crazy. You’ll say nothing new or surprising.”

 

“You still haven’t given an explanation for why you left Cass’.” 

 

“Make something up.” 

 

“I did, I told her Josten was sick- but Andrew-” Neil is out of the shower and in a better mood. He’s speaking German and asking where they’re going to eat as well as trying out different phrases which make no sense. “-I need to talk about Christmas. To someone. I don’t know how to deal with-”

 

“You deal with Tilda,” Andrew says and Aaron hisses at him through the phone. 

 

“Just because you and Josten decided to run off somewhere doesn’t mean that we won’t have to deal with this once school hears about it. Officer Higgins called me wanting to know- no I didn’t tell him anything but shit, Andrew, I need to know the plan.” Aaron is quiet. “Mom was bad this weekend. I… I made the mistake of telling her about Washington. Then,” Aaron falls silent. “I have to go, there’s someone here.” He hangs up without pause. 

 

Neil waits in the room while Andrew makes a food run. They ingest unhealthy crap that Neil would never have gotten away with when he was on the cheer team. They lie on the bed watching through commercials that sometimes play a movie in between them. Andrew lets Neil borrow his shoulder as a pillow. When they fall asleep Andrew keeps farther away. Neil is a still sleeper but Andrew shifts and then the two of them are both awake and looking for weapons and lights. Neil checks the time on his phone only to see a text from Matt. 

 

_ Andrew slept with Katelyn.  _

 

Neil thinks this is a nonsensical statement until he realizes it isn’t. 

 

“Aaron fucked Katelyn,” Neil says before his brain to mouth filter has time to activate. 

 

“Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about it Josten?” 

 

“I thought you’d want to know.”

 

“Why the fuck would I want to know?” Andrew pulls the sheets up until he’s covered and Neil returns to his still warm place on the mattress. Andrew wraps a blanket covered arm over Neil’s stomach and pulls him closer. “Now shut up, I’m tired.” Andrew’s fingers work their way to peek out of the sheet so he can touch Neil’s face. Neil falls asleep to Andrew stroking his scars. 


	20. Wedding Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they be in a motel (there's some mentions of m stuff also we edited this high so if people have more ooc energy it's cause we weren't looking for it ;-;)

They have two more nights in the hotel and then Kevin is picking them up to rejoin the masses. Neil makes the mistake of walking into the convenience store without Andrew. There’s one woman sweeping the aisles and another leaning over the counter flipping through a magazine. The bell dings as Neil enters and broom lady looks up with a smile. “Welcome in,” she says and then her eyebrows are furrowed and she gasps, “oh you poor doll.” The cashier looks up at him and pops her gum, she looks down at her watch. It’s late and he’s cutting it close with the time. Neil shoves his hands in the front of his sweatshirt and gets to work collecting what he needs. The broom lady makes her way toward her coworker and the two of them talk about Neil at a polite volume that Neil chooses to ignore. 

 

He grabs chips, lemonades, cookies, a sad looking apple, a three dollar banana, and water. For a while he debates over grabbing popcorn but he can’t remember if the room has a microwave. Andrew, he supposes, would find a way to eat it without popping if he had to. The idea disgusts Neil so much that he has to look away from all the junk food. He ends up staring at a rack of condoms and medical supplies. 

 

At check out is when he trips up because he asks for a pack of cigarettes. The cashier asks what kind and she gives him a funny look when he lists the brand. “You sure?” she asks, Neil nods, he’s sure of the brand Andrew likes. “I’m gonna need to see your ID.” Oh. 

 

“They’re not for me,” Neil says. Which is the wrong thing to say because the woman raises an eyebrow. She takes the cigarettes off the counter and Neil pulls out his phone he dials Andrew’s number and shifts his weight nervously while it rings. “I don’t have it on me,” he says and the woman looks him head to toe like she’s thinking he’s probably thirteen. Andrew answers the phone and Neil looks out the window to see the parking lot lights reflecting off the blond head making its way across the parking lot. 

 

Neil pays for the rest while explaining his situation of being a minor for a few more weeks. Andrew is unsympathetic. The broom lady is shaking her head, “my mama used to make me go on beer runs for her. You don’t have to feed a bad habit.” He’s about to tell her to mind her business when the bell rings and Andrew strolls to the counter and slams his ID down. Neil hangs up his phone.

 

“Cigarettes,” Andrew says with a look at Neil’s selection. He decides it’s unacceptable and starts strolling the aisles. He knocks a jar of peanuts off sending them sprawling every which way. Neil curses him under his breath while the broom lady goes to clean up. The cashier pops her gum. Andrew returns with his haul of popcorn and more candy, chocolate and those weird rings that Neil thinks look like baby pacifiers. He throws it all on the counter. 

 

“Is that-” Andrew turns back around before the cashier can finish. He grabs a box of condoms and tosses them to Neil who catches them on reflex. 

 

“We don’t need-” the second necessity comes flying and Neil curses Andrew in German and tells him to stop being a brat. Neil doesn’t make eye contact with the cashier as she scans the items. Andrew joins him at the counter and pays for his haul. All of the junk gets packed into a bag and Neil goes to take it but the woman won’t let him. Andrew takes the cigarettes out of the bag and pockets them. Neil is allowed to take the bag.

 

Back in the motel the TV has an old cartoon playing and Andrew throws a bag of popcorn into the microwave that’s tucked on top of a barely running mini-fridge. Neil sits on the bed and peels the sticker off his apple. “Did you buy those things to be a pain or do you plan on using them?” Andrew doesn’t answer and waits for the popcorn to stop making noise. 

 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Yes,” Neil says, his stomach flips. Andrew just opens his bag of popcorn and the smell of buttery chemicals takes over the room. Neil wrinkles his nose and bites into his apple. It’s soft and tastes like pesticides. 

 

“Shower,” Andrew says, “don’t look so smug, you’re getting in alone.” Neil hides his look of disappointment behind another bite of his apple. He starts undressing in the main room. Andrew watches the TV. “Are you winning the war against being dressed?”

 

“I’m trying to be naked enough for the both of us,” Neil says. That earns him a scoff of a laugh. Things feel out of order. Andrew has taken care of Neil in every possible way whereas Neil has never seen Andrew naked. Andrew has only let Neil put his hands on his dick twice, and only when it’s to get them both off together. There are rules. Convoluted requirements Andrew has made up in his mind that Neil doesn’t fully understand. He leaves the door to the bathroom open, an invitation he doesn’t think Andrew will take him up on. “I dreamt a dream tonight,” Neil says in his loud acting voice.

 

“And so did I,” Andrew deadpans. Neil turns the water on and recites back, 

 

“Well what was yours?” 

 

“That dreamers often lie,” Andrew says loud enough for Neil to hear. 

 

“In bed asleep while they do dream things true.” Neil tosses his apple into the garbage can before moving under the spray. He pulls the curtain to keep the water from bouncing off the floor. 

 

“Why am I you?” Andrew asks, he’s closer, his voice coming the doorway of the bathroom. Neil doesn’t peek out to check though. 

 

“I had a dream,” Neil says. “Last night, I dreamt of unholy things.”

 

“Go on,” 

 

“Kevin was there.” 

 

“Suddenly I’m no longer interested.” Andrew is shuffling about the room and Neil wonders why he’s checking the cabinets for extra supplies. 

 

“You were also there.” Andrew doesn’t protest or tell him to quiet. “We were doing things.”

 

“With Kevin.”

 

“That’s not the important bit.” 

 

“I’ve yet to hear anything of importance.” 

 

“My point is,” Neil says, “I’m in the mood. If you are.” Andrew only slightly hesitates in his response. The door to the bathroom closes and Neil think Andrew has changed his mind about  _ yes _ so he sighs and switches gears to cleaning. Popping the thought bubbles of his near forgotten dream. 

 

“Not now,” Andrew says. He’s close to the curtain. Neil jumps and curses under his breath. When the curtain is pulled back Neil pales and stands with his hand full of soap. “Did you see a ghost?”

 

“No,” Neil gulps. His first thought is,  _ Andrew is naked _ . His second is,  _ Andrew is so white. _ Neil is used to seeing him in blacks or the dark navy colors of the school’s uniform. This is just skin, skin, skin. Neil tries not to stare. “You’re going to get water on the floor.” Andrew steps into the shower behind Neil and closes the curtain. Neil’s thankful for the heat of the water because it’s a reasonable excuse for the flush of his face. 

 

“Stop the bath,” Andrew says, Neil nudges the plug down on the drain. Water pools around their feet. Andrew reaches around him to turn the temperature higher and Neil jumps at the heat. 

 

“What are we doing?” Neil asks and Andrew’s hand grabs his arm, Neil shuffles his feet so he can turn around. 

 

“Don’t touch me,” Andrew says. Neil nods and brings his soapy hands up to his hair. He keeps his eyes on Andrew’s face which has the barest hint of a smirk. “Look your fill, idiot.” Neil does. Andrew is fucking beautiful. Neil tries to control his gaze from beelining down so instead he lingers, looking at Andrew’s chest, broad and toned, his stomach, solid, with hip bones that jut out just so. Golden hair forms a path from Andrew’s navel to his crotch, Neil swears he doesn’t notice the semi hard on Andrew is sporting.     

 

Water is jet streaming at the back of Neil’s head but he doesn’t notice until Andrew nudges his head aside so he doesn’t have to stand in the cold air. Nei thinks maybe he should crouch so Andrew can have water access but that would put him right at eye level with the non existent semi so he instead staddles the faucet and presses his back to the fake porcelain.

 

“Staring,” Andrew says but not with his usual tone of annoyance. He grabs Neil’s tiny bottle of shampoo and smells it, Andrew shakes his head and tosses it out of the shower. Neil fears he’ll lose his bar soap next. He tries to grab it from the shower ledge but it slips from his hand and splashes into the water at their feet. 

 

Neil coughs a laugh, “one of us has to make the joke or this is a wasted moment.” Andrew kicks the water at Neil’s shins. 

 

“Dumb dumb dropped the soap,” Andrew starts to sit down. He positions himself with his legs stretched out, his feet just meet the other side. Neil almost chokes on soap when Andrew reaches between Neil’s legs for the fallen bar. “Sit down,” Andrew says, “and don’t kick my dick.” Neil does and drops hard on the faucet. He’s internal screaming in pain before Andrew lets out a laugh. An actual laugh. Neil forgets his shatter balls for a few seconds to live in the brief sound that is Andrew’s laugh. “Turn around,” Andrew says. “Stupid idiot.”

 

Neil, disappointedly, doesn't land on anything when he sits. Andrew instead let’s Neil lean his back against him. “I thought you said don’t touch you.” 

 

“You’re not,” Andrew says, “I’m touching you.” Neil stares ahead and can see their tiny warped reflection in a silver bubble mirror. Neil keeps his hands on his stomach and Andrew’s arms are around Neil’s waist. 

 

“You can touch me,” Neil says wanting to guide Andrew’s hands to in between his legs. Andrew’s grip is firm on Neil’s waist. 

 

“No,” Andrew says and Neil’s hands shoot out of the water, he elbows Andrew straight in the jaw.        

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Neil says holding his hands to his face, elbows tucked in. Andrew curses Neil in German. 

 

“We’re just going to sit here,” Andrew says. “None of that stuff.” 

 

“Okay,” Neil says. 

 

“Later,” Andrew says. 

 

“We don’t have to,” Neil says. 

 

“I know,” Andrew says. They sit in warm silence until Neil decides to recite one of Mercutio’s soliloquies, Andrew notices all of his mistakes and corrects him immediately. Neil stops because Andrew ruined his feeling. “You going to finish telling me about that dream?” 

 

“Intrigued?” 

 

“I’m trying to get you to fill the silence.”

 

“You fill the silence.” 

 

“Kevin offered to blow me second night in dorms.” Andrew says and his stomach bounces when Neil gives a squeak of, 

 

“Kevin Day?” Neil wraps his fingers over top of Andrew’s. “What did you say?” 

 

“I said I’d think about it.” 

 

“And?!”

 

“Haven’t given him an answer.” 

 

“Well in my dream you and I both fucked Kevin Day.” Neil says wanting to hear one of Andrew’s dumb retorts. He’s left dissatisfied. The silence falls again and then Neil starts laughing because he can’t remember ever taking a warm bath before. Ice baths for healing injuries and sore muscles, but not warm. 

 

“Can I wash your back?” Andrew asks. Neil nods and Andrew reaches to grab a washcloth off the top of the toilet. Neil sits forward and ANdrew’s hands run over his back. The towel feels like a nice scratch against his skin and Neil finds himself being lulled by the sensation. Neil realizes he’s humming a moment later, some weird pagan song Matt had shared with him, and he’s thinking about he and Andrew’s promise.

  
  
  


“Andrew,” Neil says so forcefully Andrew withdraws his hands and drops the washcloth. “Did you mean,” Neil, who has just now woken from a trace after being thrust back into reality, says, “like, until death. Did you mean, like,” Neil doesn’t say anything for a moment, the word foreign on his tongue. “Marriage.” 

 

“I believe it’s called a domestic partnership,” Andrew deadpans. 

 

“That’s,” Neil runs a hand through his hair, “thinking about the future. Long term plans. Until death. Andrew, are you serious?”

 

“Nothing is certain.”

 

“Andrew, I understand your idea of nothing. You want stability and promises that are kept and nothingness is the only thing you can rely on. Because if and when everything goes to shit you can at least know to count on nothing.” Neil shakes his head and a grin has pulled his mouth wide. “We can both be nothing. We can both be certain. You, my companion, my person, my-” 

 

“Thank you for your deep shower thoughts,” Andrew says with no expression in his eyes. “Let’s be clear, I am not your anything. You are noth-” he stops because Josten looks smug. 

 

“This,” Neil says gesturing between them, “is ours.” He crooks his head on Andrew’s shoulder to look up at him. “You wanna marry me.” 

 

“I want to throw you out a window,” Andrew says. “I’d settle for blowing you but only because it shuts you up.” Neil moves his head back and Andrew bites at his ear. “What do you want?” Andrew asks. Josten’s asked him time after time, but he can’t remember returning the question himself. Neil’s expression says this is the first time being asked. Josten doesn’t say anything and sits up, wrapping his hands around his ankles. “What do you want from me Josten?” 

 

“Whatever you want to give me,” Neil says. 

 

“That’s a non answer.” 

 

“It’s my answer.” 

 

“No,” Andrew says, “you used to be better at lying.” 

 

“I want you to trust me.” 

 

“It’s not a matter of trust-”

 

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Neil backpedals. “Not with sex, I just mean, I want us to be an us. A team. Working together.”

 

“Sounds like marriage,” Andrew says.

 

“Domestic partnership,” Neil says. “But also I’d love you to fuck me against the wall.” 

  
  
  
  


The second request was more doable and took care and patience because Neil needed to stretch first. Andrew and Neil took turns sucking mark over each other’s shoulders. Then Andrew had Neil’s ankle over his shoulder and the two of them rut together feeling skin, skin, skin. Neil kept his hands to himself. Andrew, did not. 

 

The first request, all they needed were some papers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we might come back and edit later to add things, this is cute filler chapter because next half is an angsty boy


	21. In the Hallway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> back to school (tw mentions of past abuse, also mentions of canon death (but like it's a throw away joke that is taken lightly), mentions of scars)

“How was your break?” Matt asks. Neil dries his hands on his pants as he turns to face Matt. The bathrooms are steadily becoming more occupied as students return. Matt stands in the doorway to the hall so Neil can’t run away. Students are hurrying down the hall to their dorms behind him, there’s talk of being late for mass. 

 

“Fine,” Neil says. He finishes buttoning up his shirt and knotting his tie. He runs a few fingers to part his slightly damp hair to untangle his curls. 

 

“You didn’t answer any of my messages,” Matt says. 

 

“I don’t really use my phone,” Neil says. There’s an icon on his voicemail box that says there are seven messages unlistened to. Matt shifts his weight and pockets his hands. He’s dressed in uniform, there’s still church even before school starts again. Matt asks if he’s going to be at prayer. Neil shrugs. “I have to clean the dorm.” It had not been trashed, it had been ransacked, searched thoroughly by careless hands. Neil doesn’t know if anything of his is missing yet, he hasn’t taken an inventory, most of his important stuff he’d taken with him. Some of Andrew’s ties are missing. 

 

Andrew, he’s been called to the school office to discuss Neil doesn't know what. Matt steps aside so Neil can pass and close himself in his dorm. He’s making both of their beds when Andrew returns with an oversized envelope. Kevin is at his heels chatting about class ranks that have been posted in the hall. “I’m not last,” he laughs, “thank you Seth Gordon.” 

 

“Seth got hit by a bus and died, Kevin.” 

 

“A win is a win,” Kevin shrugs. Kevin looks good, his eyes aren’t far away and his fingers aren’t twitchy. Neil thinks about asking how his sobriety is going but Kevin starts talking about the show which is three weeks away and Neil tunes him out. He runs off when he notices the time. “Told Thea I’d meet her before church,” he explains before Andrew slams the door after Kevin on his way out. 

 

“What did the headmaster want?” Neil asks. 

 

“Kevin wasn’t supposed to be driving a car,” Andrew says. “They kept bothering me for a reason as to why we were out.” Neil opens the envelope Andrew drops in his lap. Neil stares at the license. This is real. This is really happening. “We have plans tomorrow.” Andrew’s nostrils flare as he scrunches up his nose. 

 

“Don’t have a car,” Neil says. 

 

“I’ve made arrangements.” Andrew walks around the room until he finds himself standing in front of Neil’s bed. He takes Neil’s pillow and lifts it to his face. A second later he flings it at the window, which Neil had left open in case Andrew wanted to smoke. The pillow fits neatly through and catches on the roof. Neil goes to fetch it but Andrew grabs his arm. “I want to try something.” Neil cocks his head to the side. “Yes or no?” There are a rush of footsteps in the hall followed by the murmuring of voices fading in the distance. The dorms will be empty for a couple hours.  

 

“What kind of something?” Neil asks. 

 

“You’ll miss church,” Andrew says. Andrew pulls his shirt off in one fluid motion of reaching behind his head. He tosses it on to Neil’s bed. He had not even humored the idea of dressing in uniform. Perhaps that was why the school called him in without real provocation. Andrew lies down on his own newly made bed. He’s face down for a moment, exposing his back to Neil. Andrew says into his pillow, “touch my shoulders.” 

 

“You want a massage?” Neil asks. 

 

Oh, Neil catches on, it’s like before, with the bath. Exposure in a non sexual context, Andrew gaining autonomy of himself through inviting Neil in to see him. Be with him. Andrew turns his head to look at Neil. “Are you sure?” It feels like a lot. So soon after Christmas. Like Andrew is throwing himself on the energy of the altercation and letting it explode him into pieces of  _ I can handle this.  _ A bomb, the others had called him. Andrew is a trigger. He’s trusting Neil not to pull. “Where do you want me to stand?” Andrew takes an extra pillow and sets it behind him, a barrier between his backside and where he wants Neil to sit. “Andrew,” Neil says. 

 

“I’ve thought about it,” Andrew says twisting his neck to look at Neil. “You just keep talking and it’ll be fine.” Neil shakes his head.

 

“There’s no obligation,” Neil says, “you don’t have to-”

 

“I know,” Andrew says. 

 

“You don’t want to go to church?” 

 

“You don’t have to stay,” Andrew says. 

 

“I’m not eager to go,” Neil says. It feels like a lie as he says it. The Neil Josten their school knows and loves would never miss a morning gathering. The more time Neil spends with Andrew the more his carefully crafted persona is chipped away to reveal- what? The people here don’t understand Neil fully. He hasn’t shown his true colors. He is careful. The routine he has kept for most of his school years is faltering, he doesn't know how to take the days moment by moment. “There’s no one I want to see.” 

 

“Renee,” Andrew says. 

 

“You going to tell her about what happened at Cass’?”

 

“That’s your business,” Andrew says. 

 

“You can tell her,” Neil says, “we could see her before the sermon.” Andrew inhales deeply. 

 

“My shoulders,” Andrew says. 

 

“I’m going to touch your shoulders,” Neil says. 

 

“Yes,” Andrew says and he shifts slightly so Neil can sit on the edge of the bed. Neil places his hand on Andrew’s shoulder blade. Andrew’s back tenses and Neil can see the muscles tightening underneath the skin. Andrew throws the pillow from under his head down onto the floor and instead lies his cheek against the mattress. “Tell me how you broke your foot.” 

 

“What?” Andrew’s arms are tucked up by his head and he shifts to press his forehead against the mattress. 

 

“Or recite your lines.” Neil catches on a second too late. 

 

“Oh,” Neil says, “okay, um, right. So my foot.” Neil places his other hand on Andrew’s back and starts gently kneading his hands over the tightness. Andrew’s back is broad and solid and the muscle feels like it will never yield. Trapped in tension. “I smashed it with a candlestick from the church. Not on purpose. There was,” Neil hesitates, “there was someone in confessional. I was around lighting candles. I could hear what they were saying, confessing.” Andrew’s shoulders start to give the barest of release and Neil presses harder. “I was worried I was going to be caught. By them, or Father, I ran into a table and knocked it onto my foot.” 

 

“Why did Aaron think you were trouble?” Neil lets out a cough of a laugh. 

 

“He overheard me make a joke to Matt,” Neil says. “About it not being the worst casualty I’ve received in a fight.” Neil digs his thumbs into knotted muscles and Andrew’s body shudders. A grin plays Neil’s lips and it slips into his voice. “I think he started the rumors.” Neil’s hands become hesitant. “I think it might of been him I heard.” He wasn’t sure, but maybe that was why Aaron had stayed away from him. Maybe it really did have nothing to do with Andrew. Neil shakes his head and goes back to kneading his hands. “I won’t tell,” Neil says. “It’s his secret.” Though he knows Andrew won’t ask. 

 

“I didn’t know he went to church,” Andrew says. 

 

“You might try it sometime,” Neil says, “confession can release the burden of having to carry memories alone.” 

 

“My business is mine,” Andrew says and he hisses when Neil digs into a tender spot. “Not my neck,” he says and Neil moves both his hands lower. “Back is fine,” Andrew reaches a hand out to grab Neil’s thigh, “sit over me.” Before Neil can move to do so the door rattles a moment before opening ever so slowly. Neil is up and pressing the wood closed before Andrew has fully flinched his reaction. 

 

“One second,” Neil says through the door knowing he can’t lock out a school official if they’ve come to talk. “We’re running late.”  

 

“It’s just me,” a woman’s voice says and Neil’s mind scrambles to put together answers. He looks back at Andrew searching for their next step. Andrew is frozen. He’s lying on his side looking paralyzed by the sight of red. There’s blood coming from a cut on his hand where he’s nicked himself with a knife. In his hurry to free his knives he’s pulled down one armband, it’s caught around his wrist. 

 

“Andrew,” Neil says despite himself. He has to choose between keeping the door closed and checking on Andrew. There is no choice. Neil is muttering in low German. “Andrew, we’re going to sit up. Andrew you’re going to be fine. We’re at the dorms.” Andrew follows Neil’s hands trying to situate him upright. A hand reaches out to grip Neil’s cheeks and blunt nails press into scar tissue. “Breathe,” Neil says. He can faintly hear the door creaking open beside them.

 

Andrew’s eyes are cold and distant and they struggle to glare at Neil. It’s then that Katelyn makes the mistake of speaking a word of concern. Apathy relaxes Andrew’s brow and then he is shoving Neil aside so he can wield a blade at Katelyn. She screams before being pinned against the back of the door. The mirror makes a hideous sound and Neil fears the glass will cut her before Andrew does. 

 

“Please,” Katelyn’s voice is tight and small. “Please don’t, I didn’t mean- I didn’t see anything.” There’s a knife at the front of Katelyn’s breastbone. Andrew is trying to shush her, 

 

“I hate that word,” Andrew says, “say it again and I’ll gut you.” 

 

“Andrew, it’s just Katelyn,” Neil says running a hand through his hair. “We’re at the dorm it’s-” 

 

“I know where we are,” Andrew says. Katelyn has clamped her mouth shut. They stand in a deadlock, terrified eyes meeting uncaring ones. Andrew loosens his grip on her collar but doesn’t pull the knife away. “Why were you in our room?” Andrew asks. His voice is cruelly casual.  

 

“I just wanted to talk-” Katelyn says and Andrew rattles her against the door. 

 

“Why  _ were  _ you in here?” Andrew demands and Katelyn’s eyes flicker down to Andrew’s uncovered arm. Her eyes widen at the sight of the scars. Neil catches her gaze and she looks ready to crumple. Her eyes keep locked on Neil’s bed to keep from looking at Andrew. 

 

“Just wanted to talk to you,” Katelyn says. 

 

“Let her go,” Neil says. Andrew does, but not before shoving her out the door into the hall, alone. Then he’s shoving his shirt back over his head and crawling out the window onto the roof. “Andrew-” Andrew says nothing and pulls out a pack before walking off where Neil can’t see him on the tile. Neil opens the door to the hall to see Katelyn standing there shellshocked. 

 

Looking down both ends of the hall, Neil finds no one but Katelyn. She slumps down to sit on the ground with her back against the wall. “Are you hurt?” Neil asks and Katelyn shakes her head. Her eyes look glassy and her hands tremble. Neil squats down beside her. “Katelyn,” Neil says and she locks eyes with him. 

 

“I made a mistake,” Katelyn says. 

 

“You should have knocked,” Neil says though they both know there will be no repeat incident. Girls aren’t allowed in the boys’ dorms and reversed it’s the same. He would have thought Katelyn would adhere to the school rules first and foremost. Neil doesn’t know how to do damage control. He doesn’t know what to say that’s not ridiculing her for doing something so stupid. 

 

“Yup,” Katelyn says popping the ending consonant. Neil has nothing else to say to her and she doesn’t expect him to. Katelyn stands with one hand walking herself up the wall. She shakes on lamb legs but takes care to walk down the hall without another word. Neil is back in the room and out the window in the next minute. 

 

Finding Andrew is easy because he always perches in the same spot. At the foot of a column which once had a clock which chimed the hour. Andrew sits with his back pressed against the base. He stares out over the trees which gather together behind the dorm. 

 

Neil is careful with his footing until he is at the long stretch of flat stone which runs along the top of the roof. Andrew watches him but gives Neil no regard. Smoke is a cloud around Andrew’s head. His armband is securely back in place and his shirt covers the rest of him. “Do you want to be alone?”

 

“It’s a free country.” Neil sits. Andrew kicks his pack of cigarettes over to Neil. Neil leaves them on the roof. He doesn’t stare at Andrew because he doesn’t want to see the ghost of fear still itching under the surface of Andrew’s skin. Instead he gazes over campus, he thinks he spots Katelyn walking over the grounds to the church. The congregation will be out soon and the flood of students will cover the campus. Neil spots a white rectangle sitting on the ground below them. 

 

“Do I need a new pillow?” Neil asks. Andrew follows Neil’s gaze. 

 

“She was in our room,” Andrew says, face expressionless. Neil is about to roll his eyes but Andrew’s voice cuts him off. “Before, it smelled like her, on your bed.” Andrew curls his fingers and Neil inches closer. Smoke is a stream of warmth over Neil’s face and it makes his eyes water. Neil coughs away from Andrew. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says resting his elbows on his knees. Not that he could have known the lock on the door wouldn’t hold. That Katelyn would have decided to show up. That Andrew would have such a reaction as-

 

“Drake would make me laugh by prodding my ribs,” Andrew says and he sounds bored as he flicks the cigarette onto the roof between them. Breath is knocked from Neil like he’s been struck. “Cass walked in once, when I laughed too loudly.” Andrew stares at the flame he flicks on while lighting another smoke. “She pretended to not see what was happening.” 

 

“Andrew,” Neil says and he can’t keep the edge of fury from his voice. Andrew doesn’t comment on it, he lets Neil have his anger and lets it well up inside his fists. 

 

“Cass called the school. Left a dozen messages over break asking if they knew where I was. Was I safe? Then Pig Higgins showed up, asking around for me.” Andrew leans his head back against the wall. “School wants to know if I’m going to be a problem. Some of the students are concerned. Said they were going to call in my mother.” Andrew breathes smoke out to the sky. “There’s too much time between now and graduation.” 

 

“We’ll make it,” Neil says.

 

“I know.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, we back with your regularly scheduled updates. had to rework my outline and these bridge scenes are a whole time (also depression suckssss). see you tomorrow <3


	22. Touch My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bridge chapter baby~

Katelyn doesn’t get messages. She doesn't know how to take no for answer and Andrew is tired of having to dance around her annoying persistence. So when Katelyn shows up two minutes before his cousin is set to pick him and Josten up Andrew’s more than a little agitated. At least she isn’t careless this time, she doesn’t try to touch him and she keeps a fair distance between herself and him. Unlike Josten, who has gotten into the annoying habit of pressing his arm against Andrew’s when they stand together. The weight is comforting. Andrew hates it. 

 

“Going off campus?” Katelyn asks and Josten looks up at her briefly before fiddling with the envelope. He hasn’t put it down all day. Andrew thought about how amusing it would have been if he had lost it in between one of his classes. When Andrew doesn’t reply she says, “I need to talk to you.” Others are milling around the grounds, it’s chilly out but it isn’t stopping the students from enjoying the sunlight which has become a rarity as the days are so short. 

 

“So you’ve said,” Andrew says. Katelyn looks at Neil like she’ll hope he’ll take the hint and make himself scarce. Sadly, for her, Josten is a bit slow on subtleties. In the distance Andrew can spot Aaron walking toward them, like he’s intent on stopping them from leaving.  

 

“About New Years,” she says. Like her words are supposed to mean something to him.

 

“Nicky is around the corner,” Neil says and Andrew is ready to walk with him. 

 

“I’m sorry about your foster mother,” Katelyn says and Josten is the one to shoot a glare her way. Andrew keeps his expression neutral. “If you want to talk about it I-”

 

“Katelyn!” Aaron is in a near run trying to catch her attention. 

 

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Josten says. His eyes are wild, they’ve become wild more often than not lately. Andrew hasn’t decided if he hates that too. 

 

“Andrew, I can explain,” Aaron is speaking German and Katelyn’s mind looks like it’s spinning to keep up. Amusement curls Andrew’s mouth but it’s pulled away when Aaron starts rambling nonsense. His words are wasting time. 

 

“You fucked Katelyn in Josten’s bed,” Andrew says in German and Aaron pales. “Is that what your explanation is?” 

 

“And-”

 

“Did you think I wouldn’t know?” 

 

“In my bed?” Josten is speaking German as well, ever slow on the uptake. His expression is less outraged and more confused. Katelyn has her arms wrapped around herself. Her eyes are darting between Andrew and Aaron. Aaron doesn’t see it, her doubt, her unease. 

 

“This doesn’t concern you,” Aaron says to Neil. Josten laughs and throws up his hands. His mouth is wicked when he says, 

 

“Katelyn looks a little confused as to who she was with, in  _ my  _ bed,” Neil looks down at his phone. Their appointment time is approaching, Nicky is waiting. “We will be late.” 

 

“I told her about what happened,” Aaron says, “at Cass’ place.” 

 

“Oh brothermine,” 

 

“No, not about Josten, just about dinner and Luther and-” 

 

“I do not care who you take your sob story to,” Andrew says. “Like you said, this doesn’t concern us.” He is going to follow Neil and leave them when Katelyn speaks up. 

 

“Andrew, your foster mother, you didn’t deserve-” the weight of Neil’s shoulder pressed against his is the only thing that keeps him from grabbing his knife. Aaron is smart because he’s trying to shut Katelyn up. 

 

“This isn’t your issue,” Aaron is saying to her, trying to force her to understand. 

 

“He doesn’t have anyone,” Katelyn says. “You said he won’t talk to you. You said you were-” she turns away from Aaron to face Andrew. “Andrew, you could talk to Father, or me. I’ll listen, I’ll help you figure out-” Neil is laughing. He has a manic grin on his face when he looks at Andrew. Katelyn frowns and Neil turns away shaking his head. Katelyn is frowning at his back. 

 

“Late,” Neil laughs, “we’re going to be late.” 

 

“You,” Andrew says looking at Katelyn, “think you can get me to confess all my secrets and then I’ll suddenly care? Think I’ll offer myself to the first person to show me an ounce of humanity? Think I’ll idolize you and want to be with you? Because your motherly affection routine may work on Aaron but we are not the same.” Andrew steps away from Josten to get in her face, she doesn’t flinch away. “You must think pretty highly of yourself to try as much.” 

 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Katelyn says. “I meant-” 

 

“You fucked my brother after he bore his soul to you and in your next action you immediately sought me out to talk about-” 

 

“I didn’t know-” Katelyn starts to say but catches herself. She is the one to turn away and hurry off. There is a war inside Andrew as he turns on his brother. 

 

“Did she know you were you?” Aaron nods. “Why the fuck were you in our room?” Aaron’s reply is hesitant. 

 

“I came back early, I wanted to talk, Katelyn just showed up.” 

 

“You are sure she knew?” Andrew asks. Aaron rubs a hand over the back of his neck and avoids Andrew’s eyes. 

 

“Yes,” there’s shame flushing his neck, “I don’t have to give you a play by play.” Andrew looks back at Neil scuffing his shoes on the ground. He doesn’t give Aaron so much as a goodbye as he marches past Josten to Nicky’s car. Aaron doesn’t call after him but Josten follows him away. 

  
  
  


Nicky had thought they were going to court. Neil did nothing to dissuade this belief. When he and Andrew return to the car looking no worse for wear Nicky lets out a sigh of relief. The officiation of the marriage had been without ceremony and over as soon as possible. The nice judge, who had taken their papers, promised to have the finalized documents mailed to them as soon as they are available. Legally, though, Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard are married. 

 

“You’re not going to prison for life?” Nicky asks. 

 

“Did you think we were on trial?” Neil asks. 

 

“I don’t know,” Nicky says, “I’m not familiar with courthouses and their various proceedings.” 

 

“I thought you and Erik were married,” Neil says. 

 

“Engaged, we haven’t-” Nicky hesitates, “what does that have to do with this?” 

 

Neil is beside Andrew in the backseat because Neil had said,  _ you’re not making me sit in the back alone. We just got married. _ Andrew had nearly not conceded but Nicky had cupcakes he’d picked up at a nearby bakery, while they were in the courthouse, buckled in the front. Neil stares at his hands. At his body. There’s no difference of feeling. He thought the nerves of the paperwork would have transformed into reassurance once the whole ordeal was finalized. Neil thought there would be more, more what? 

 

“Are we not going to have rings?” Neil asks Andrew, his voice is low. 

 

“Do you want rings?” Andrew asks. Neil hesitates and doesn’t realize he’s nodded until Andrew leans over the center console toward Nicky. “Take us here,” Andrew says punching in coordinates on Nicky’s phone. The tiny map recalculates and Nicky focuses on the next few turns. They stop outside of shopping center entrance, Andrew kicks the door closed on Nicky’s questions. 

 

Neil follows Andrew inside and then they’re at a store with lots of expensive things in glass cases. “Oh,” Neil says, “I didn’t think right now we-” Andrew is away from him and speaking with a woman in black about what he’s looking for, she smiles and then disappears in the back. When she returns Neil is waiting by Andrew’s side. She has various wedding bands, simple and without the ornamentation of diamonds. The woman is talking about the different materials each are made of, there are a variety of colors as well. Neil laughs, “you’re going to pick something black.” 

 

Andrew doesn’t, he grabs a silver ring with a thicker band and takes Neil’s hand. The ring is too large and the woman offers Andrew another size. The second try fits and Neil stares at the band. This, this is the feeling. He keeps staring at it and when Andrew tries to take it off Neil almost pulls his hand away. Andrew tries the ring on himself and then asks the woman about chains and their durability. When she leaves them to think it over, reminding Andrew of the price, Neil tries the ring on again, it feels foreign and odd, in a new and intriguing sort of way.

 

“You don’t want a different one?” Neil asks. 

 

“You don’t like this one?” Andrew fires back. Neil shakes his head and places the ring on the counter. 

 

“I do,” Neil says, “they’re just expensive and if it’s not something you’ll wear-”

 

“I’ll wear it,” Andrew says. 

 

“I’m not used to wearing a ring,” Neil says and Andrew crooks a finger under the thick link of chain around Neil’s neck. He tugs the necklace free, it looks like something that belongs at a rave. It looks heavy and juvenile next to all the delicate looking jewelry under the cases. Andrew pulls the necklace off of Neil and sets it on the counter. The woman returns with chains whose prices are double that of the rings. Andrew takes one and grabs it in both fists like he means to pull. 

 

“Wait,” the woman says, “I understand now, one moment.” She ducks under the counter and grabs a chain which is similar to the length of Neil’s old necklace and with thicker metal than the other display models. “A diamond cut wheat chain, this is in silver, we can-” Andrew tries his tug method and Neil thinks he hears the woman give a squeak of concern. When the chain holds she breathes a sigh of relief. Andrew fits the chain over Neil’s head without unclasping, it’s long. 

 

“This,” Andrew says, “and these.” The woman nods points to where she’ll ring them up with the boxes. She takes the necklace back from Neil before fetching their purchases.

 

“I don’t need a necklace,” Neil says. “It’s too expensive.” Andrew doesn’t hear him though because he buys all three items in cash. Neil carries the three boxes to the edge of the store where he can set them on the counter out of the way. Andrew takes the necklace and runs Neil’s ring over the chain so it hangs like a pendant. Then he spins Neil around and wraps it twice around his throat. As the necklace is clasped close Neil reaches up to hold the ring in his hand. He can slip the ring down to his knuckle before the chain makes the fit too tight. Andrew turns Neil again to look at him. 

 

Then it’s Neil’s turn. He takes the last box and opens it in front of Andrew. He thinks about kneeling but then thinks Andrew might walk away just to spite him. Then he does, kneel, and Andrew doesn’t leave. “My hand is up here,” Andrew says holding his left hand out of Neil’s reach. “You really don’t know how proposals work.” 

 

“It’s the only time you’ll let me say nice things about you. You didn’t let me, in front of the judge.” 

 

“You assume I’ll let you now.” Neil stands back up he holds Andrew’s right hand in his.  

 

“Andrew Minyard, I will be your companion until death or until you’re sick of me.” Neil takes the ring out and Andrew holds out his left hand in resignation. 

 

“Dumb,” Andrew says, Neil stands, “yes or no?” 

 

“Yes,” Neil replies. 

 

Andrew kisses him. The kiss is wild and fast. The cool of the ring’s metal presses against the hot blush of Neil’s cheek as Andrew cups his face. Andrew criticizes Neil’s eagerness constantly but Neil had never considered the critique could have been a reflection of himself. Andrew kisses the smile from Neil’s mouth. This. This is the feeling.


	23. See Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we getting there (tw for talking about past sexual abuse)

Allison ties Neil’s hair back while Dan fusses with his shirt. Costume fittings have been going on all rehearsal and it’s finally Neil’s turn to be poked and prodded. Andrew sits on a stool a little ways away taping up the sharp sides of the blades they’ll use as props. He not so secretly keeps sparing glances at Neil while the girls have him try on different shirts. 

 

“I like this,” Dan says flicking Neil’s ring. The doubled chain shifts around his neck. His hand reaches over it protectively.

 

“I said no open chest,” Neil says as they fit a ruffled white pirate looking thing on him. Dan tacks the plunging neckline over while Allison fits a scarf around his waist. 

 

“Your scars are cool,” Allison says. Neil stiffens and Allison nudges his shoulder. “Don’t mean you have to show them off.” 

 

“There are plenty of other things we can accentuate.” Dan tugs up on Neil’s waistband and he hisses. 

 

“Watch it,” Neil says. The pants are dark and made of some sort of leather-like material. The fit is much too tight and it had taken great effort not to tear them when putting them on. Allison had cut room for a zipper, not giving up on making them work. 

 

“Hey Minyard,” Allison says, “what’s your ring about? We got a bet going and I wanna cash out before opening night.” Andrew doesn’t look up from the sword he’s fiddling with. “Renee bet against me, there’s three sides. I think you’re wearing it so Katelyn can tell you and Aaron apart.”

 

“I’m telling you it’s a promise ring.” She lowers her voice, “it’s always the freaks that are weirdly religious.” Dan looks at Neil for answers. 

 

“If Katelyn gets her way that’ll be an easily broken promise.” Allison clicks her tongue. “That’s it! His excuse to avoid Katelyn, duh, it’s obvious.” Allison looks up at Neil. He enjoys being taller than her in this moment when he grins. “You know what it is? No shit? Which one of us is right?” It’s then that Wymack appears carrying his master script and a spare prop dagger. 

 

“Josten, Minyard, you’re needed in the office,” Andrew doesn’t move and when Neil tries to take off his shirt to change back into uniform Allison yells at him to stop. “Sometime today,” Wymack says when they still don’t move. 

 

“You have to keep the pins in,” Allison says. “I haven’t finished and marked-”

 

“We’ll bring him back in one piece,” Wymack says and he tilts his head. Neil hops off the little stool he’s standing on and Andrew stands to follow him. Neil wants to scold him for not wearing his tie again. The rest have all gone missing and he had to borrow one of Neil’s for the school day after a teacher reprimanded him. 

 

Andrew leads the way as Neil shuffles awkwardly in his unfamiliar clothes. Wymack is following them. When Andrew looks back at him, their director says he knows Andrew isn’t the type to take the fastest route. The school headmaster isn’t someone Neil talks to regularly, his school payments go through the secretaries and his mail can be picked up from them as well. His arrangement with the Father doesn’t go through the school. In fact, Neil thinks the only time they spoke was when the court marshall dropped him off with all his papers so he could register for school. All of Neil’s papers are safe in a security deposit box, he is able to handle his own paperwork now.

 

Beside him, Andrew looks unsettled, like he senses something Neil cannot. The secretary waves them into the office and then toward the headmaster’s door. Wymack nudges the door open when Neil and Andrew stand staring at the dark wood without moving. Inside the headmaster is seated behind a desk and a woman Neil doesn’t recognize is sitting in a chair in front of him. She doesn’t turn to face them. 

 

“Boys, come in, sit down,” the headmaster waves them in but neither of them sit. Neil because of his pants and Andrew because of principle. Wymack sits though, off to the side, not in front of the desk like a student on trial. “Could one of you tell me where you went off campus last week?” The headmaster looks down at a tablet in front of him. “A student saw you get into a car with, what looked like a suspicious character. They’re not sure when you returned. Roll call says you were back in your dorm by the evening.” Neil tries to keep his annoyance from his face. Nicky, a suspicious character, what a joke. “Where were you?” 

 

“Why does it matter?” Neil asks. “We’re back now,” he thinks he’s forgetting something and belatedly adds, “sir.” 

 

“We are responsible for your wellbeing,” the headmaster replies. “We act in loco parentis while you stay with us, and it’s our job to make sure you boys are safe.” 

 

“We are safe,” Neil says, “we’re here, sir.” The woman in the seat scoffs and shifts her weight. The headmaster raises a hand to calm her. 

 

“I am eighteen,” Andrew says, bored, “I don’t need parental permission to leave campus.” The woman scoffs again and this time it’s Wymack who gives her a look. “Josten is-”

 

“Oh so you can go running about with drug dealers then? Bringing back substances to our children-” 

 

“Mrs. Reynolds, please,” the headmaster says. 

 

“We do not need those people anywhere near our children.” 

 

“Those people?” Neil asks. In German he asks Andrew, “does she mean Nicky?” 

 

“Are you going to tell them?” Andrew asks and Neil shakes his head. “Should I tell them?” Neil shrugs but looks hesitant. 

 

“Now boys,” the headmaster says, “gentlemen, this is a simple matter with a simple explanation required.” 

 

“I didn’t know we had to sign out,” Neil says. It’s the truth, on the days he used to go meet Andrew he just left. No one stopped him. No one called him into the office. He didn’t even know where one would go to request leave. He looks at Andrew, Andrew knew, Andrew didn’t care. 

 

“Mr. Minyard well knew, and he shouldn’t have taken you without permission from the school.” 

 

“Andrew didn’t take me anywhere,” Neil says. “We went for a drive with his cousin.” The woman is grumbling again, Neil thinks he hears something about drugs. 

 

“The student who reported you said they saw you carrying an envelope, possibly containing money.” 

 

“You can check our room if you think I have drugs, this is ridiculous,” Neil mutters the last in German to just Andrew. 

 

“We already did, Mr. Josten, and our search came up empty. However, your fellow dorm mates say they often smell smoke coming from your room.” 

 

“Maybe I like candles!” Neil says before pressing a finger to his temple. Candles aren’t allowed in the dorms, they’re a fire hazard. “I don’t have candles.” 

 

“There’s nothing to be worried about, son, we’re just trying to get to the bottom of this whole ordeal.” 

 

“What ordeal? Nothing has happened, sir.” Neil is tired and his clothes fit wrong and he feels like he’s crawling out of his skin. Andrew nudges his arm and Neil thinks it’s an accident until he realizes Andrew isn’t moving back. 

 

Mrs. Reynolds becomes a tornado of accusations thrown at the headmaster, then Wymack, and then Andrew. About mexicans, and drugs, and the safety of the good catholic children, and the good name of their school, and “where is your mother?” she hisses these last words at both Andrew and Neil. Neil isn’t sure who is supposed to respond. 

 

“Dead, thanks for asking,” Neil tries on Andrew’s look of apathy but it doesn’t suit him. Instead he grins a mixture of false politeness and his waning patience. Mrs. Reynolds does not stutter. 

 

“And your excuse?” she points to Andrew with an acrylic nail. 

 

“His mother is going to be here shortly, Mrs. Reynolds, if you would please sit down. You boys are free to go for now, we will discuss this later.” Wymack lets them out and almost runs straight into Cass Spear. Andrew is a statue beside Neil, his feet planted firmly into the ground. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Cass says to Wymack and Neil stands in front of Andrew behind Wymack. Cass looks like she did when Neil first saw her, only slightly harder. More edges and on the defense. Wymack moves to let her pass and Neil pulls Andrew behind him. For once in his miserable short life he’s glad to be under 5’5 because Wymack’s height and thick frame keep him and Andrew partially obstructed. Except Andrew won’t move. 

 

“We can run,” Neil says to Andrew alone. 

 

“She shouldn’t be here,” Andrew says and Wymack turns to look at them. Cass sees Neil first and the mask of her face shatters. Her mouth is pulled into a tight line and her jaw is clenched tight. It softens not at all when she sees Andrew. It just trembles. With fury or grief Neil isn’t waiting to find out. He pulls at Andrew’s arm and a fist comes flying toward his face. Andrew’s knuckles stop a breath away from his cheek. His hand shakes as he uncurls his fingers and presses them to Neil’s face. “No,” Andrew says and Neil drops his hold on Andrew’s arm. He gives him space. 

 

“What the ever loving shit?” Wymack curses. He moves to pull Neil away in case Andrew is about to start a fight. Mrs. Reynolds is the most livid. 

 

“See! He’s dangerous!” Wymack announces that he is taking his students back to rehearsal. Except Andrew won’t leave and he doesn’t ask Neil to stay. 

  
  
  


Neil is gone and Andrew feels the blood returning to his hands. This is a body. His body. His rage. He doesn’t have to let it consume his sense. The headmaster is inviting Cass in to discuss Andrew. His behavior. This is all too familiar. At other schools. Other teachers saying  _ “we’re worried” _ and  _ “is there something going on at home?” _ and  _ “of course we were warned he was a bit of a handful but this is something else” _ . Followed by Cass’ replies,  _ “he’s a tough kid” _ and  _ “no, everything has been wonderful” _ and  _ “he just needs some time to adjust” _ . Time to accept his reality and cope. 

 

Andrew isn’t coping anymore. “This isn’t my mother,” Andrew says. Because the headmaster is already talking about Andrew like she is, like she is his authority. He’s invited back in but instead he leaves and Cass follows him out into the hall. She’s already trying to cut Andrew off. It’s always been like this. She won’t ever let him speak. The second he opens his mouth to say something that could even suggest the true nature of her son her words drown him out like a freight train.

 

“I don’t understand why we can’t sort this whole mess out.” Cass says, her voice is trying to be conversational but her face is hard. She’s practiced this speech. She’s talked herself into believing her righteousness. Andrew recalls her horrified expression, her weeping openly over her terror of a son. That truth is gone now. It’s locked up. “All of this over a little misunderstanding, honestly AJ, I don’t think you’re being mature about this.” 

 

“Shut up,” Andrew says and the words aren’t hard like he wants them to be. He isn’t going to beg. He isn’t going to sound like he’s broken. “I don’t want to see you ever again. I don’t want you anywhere near me or my brother. If I ever-” 

 

“Oh don’t say that honey,” Cass says. “You don’t really mean-”

 

“You need to listen,” Andrew snaps trying to keep the fire in his voice. “You know what he did to me. To  _ me. _ ” 

 

“Andrew-”

 

“You. Did. Nothing.”

 

“I don’t know what-”

 

“I know you know, you know, what I’m saying.” Andrew’s fists feel like they’re going to bludgeon his own skull if he can’t hit something soon. “I have been trying to tell you this since I was fourteen.” 

 

“AJ, you don’t-”

 

“Rape,” Andrew says like the word is a bullet he fires into her chest, “your son raped me. You knew and did nothing.” At nothing, his voice wavers like it will break and so he falls back into silence. It’s done. Cass cracks and crumbles but only for a moment. It is the answer Andrew imagined taking from her. There is unspeakable pain and guilt and Andrew allows himself, for one second, to think that  _ maybe, maybe this time she’ll see. See and say something. _

 

She doesn’t. He is done waiting. Cass doesn’t lower herself to chase after him but a part of Andrew wishes she would. Andrew finds somewhere he can be alone. He allows himself to crack right down the middle, before hurriedly stitching himself back up one cigarette at a time. 


	24. Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter is just m stuff (we weren't going to have m stuff be prevalent in this story but ya know what, once you write it in the outline it stays in the fic forever) (tw m stuff *if ya wanna skip it then after Neil loses his headphones jump to "I like cedar" and you won't miss the important info*) this chapter is 90% m stuff, 2% plot, and 8% Andrew and his stupid hyperosmia WHICH I WROTE AS A "hey I'll throw this in" but look at it just being relevant always)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have so many things to track through this fic and if you notice them all then 10/10 but if not, I know that subconsciously you'll still feel the completeness of their presence. I keep worrying I haven't set things up but thanks to outlines I HAVE ! Always use an outline kids. Especially when you decide to wait until last minute to complete your chapters <3 I gotta wrap up all our loose ends in a cute angsty bow by the end of this or I will be left dissatisfied. Now is the time to bring up burning questions you hope will be answered and- OH, look, I just remembered what's supposed to happen with Matt. Cheers kids. We adore you all.

Andrew’s “no” remains in place over the course of the next few days while he sorts through his thoughts. Neil doesn’t mind, the looming date of the show’s opening night weighs over him. He studies and runs his lines as often as he can. The rest have the cast have been under stress because Katelyn has been missing rehearsals and her understudy, Allison, wants nothing to do with playing her role. She’s too busy spending time with Renee, her days are numbered. When Andrew isn’t spending time alone he’s off getting in a few last fights. 

 

Neil has to pass on Allison’s warning of “no visible marks” because makeup can only do so much under stage lights. He’s supposed to tell Andrew to talk to Kevin when he gets back. That’s wht he’s been lately, an Andrew messaging service. Neil taps his fingers in a rhythm as he recites his lines under his breath. He’s staring at a blank document on his computer screen. The words aren’t coming, he isn’t sure how to begin his essay when his outline looks a mess under the doodles that slipped out of the margins of his paper and ended up eclipsing his work. 

 

He’s playing a mix cd through his headphones, a birthday gift from Dan, though he suspects it’s really from Matt. The music is his taste. Matt hasn’t spoken to Neil about Andrew except through texts Neil deletes. They range from apologies to cursing Andrew to defending Katelyn’s honor because, _Dan said she was sobbing in the bathroom._ _He used her, doesn’t that bother you?_ Considering Matt’s accusations don’t hold against the candle of truth Neil hasn’t really thought much about Katelyn or Aaron outside of wishing they would show up to rehearsal so he can stop listening to Allison bitch about their absence. Renee is looking forward to her last school sanctioned event before being kicked out and Allison wants it to be good for her. Dan and Kevin are a vicious force when it comes to costuming and making sure everyone is off book. Suffer Kevin’s wrath if you call for _line_.  

 

The door to the dorm opens and Neil doesn’t take off his head phones as he turns around. Andrew shines in a layer of sweat, how he always looks after a fight. Dripping. His school shirt has a tear in the sleeve Neil knows he’ll have to mend with spare thread later. At least the pants don’t look too worse for wear. Andrew is at the window pulling the curtains closed on the evening light before Neil can ask. His computer is unplugged and the small desk picked up over his head. 

 

“Hello,” Neil says pulling his headphones down around his neck. The strange icelandic singer’s voice carries at bit from the speakers. Andrew is barricading the door with the desk and he plans to take Neil’s seat next. “What’s going-” 

 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks. 

 

“Yes?” Neil says, a question. Andrew is unbuttoning his shirt and he flicks his gaze back up to Neil. 

 

“Yes or no,” Andrew says. 

 

“Yes,” Neil says and Andrew tilts his head to the bed. Neil nearly leaps for it sending his cd player skittering across the floor as his headphones are ripped free. Andrew has his own shirt off and then is working Neil’s t-shirt over his head. It has been a while since Andrew has laid a finger on Neil and now it feels like too much. Neil lets himself be pushed down on the bed and Andrew hovers over him. Kissing him. Letting his nose brush against Neil’s throat before trailing tongue and teeth over sensitive skin. Neil keeps his hands tucked behind his lower back but Andrew pulls one free and brings Neil’s fingers up to his hair. 

 

Energy radiates from Andrew, like good and happy and joy. Still brimming passion from an unfinished fight. Neil pulls Andrew’s face up to his so he can kiss him properly. So he can return the favor of his mouth pressed against Andrew’s neck. Andrew shudders and lets out the barest groan that motivates Neil to dig his teeth in and suck. Andrew lowers his hips down and grinds against Neil. He’s already straining against his pants and Neil’s body surges as heat floods to match Andrew’s eagerness. 

 

Nails trace over scars and Neil’s whole body twitches. Andrew’s hand works its way down to the front of Neil’s sweatpants and he palms him. “What has you so bothered?” Neil gasps but it turns into a whine as Andrew grips him through the fabric. 

 

“Talk later,” Andrew says shoving two fingers past Neil’s lips. Neil lets out a moan which is too loud for where they are and Andrew silences him with his mouth on his. 

 

All the air is gone, Neil can barely breathe. Everything is hot. Hot. Andrew starts to pull down Neil’s sweats and when he isn’t fast enough Neil kicks them off. He accidently lands a foot in Andrew’s stomach which earns him a reaction not unlike amusement. His foot is captured and his is ankle pressed impossibly up up up, until Andrew stops. Neil feels the stretch a bit too much so he bends his knee and lets his foot rest against Andrew’s stomach. He’s caught again only this time Andrew runs his tongue up the sole. Neil’s back arches as the sensation travels up his body and curls into the heat of his pelvis. 

 

Andrew hesitates and locks eyes with Neil, his mouth is slightly parted, lips shining with the wet of their shared saliva. “Yes or-?” Neil nods his head repeatedly and then Andrew’s tongue is exploring again. Neil can’t help how much he writhes. His body twitches and his other foot wants to kick at Andrew but it’s trapped between Andrew’s legs. Finally he grabs the sheets for some semblance of clinging to his remaining sanity. He only succeeds in pulling the fitted sheet free to curl up under him. 

 

He is given only a moment to breathe and Andrew looks like he’s going to ask again so Neil nods frantically before bringing a pillow to cover his face and muffle the mixture of ecstasy and giddiness welling inside him. “Oh my god,” Neil groans. Andrew hums and it sends vibrations all up Neil’s body. “Andrew, Andrew, touch me,  _ touch _ me.” There’s too much and too little happening and Neil feels like he’s on fire. He can’t bring a hand down to get himself on because his body won’t still and his hands are buried in a deathgrip in his pillow. 

 

Then the weight of Andrew is gone from him and Neil lets the deep breaths fill his lungs desperately. There’s a familiar clicking sound and Neil peeks out from behind the white to see Andrew holding the bottle of lube. “Yes,” Neil says bending his knees and pressing his feet against the mattress. Andrew is back and the first finger is cold at first and the pressure familiar yet alien. Neil keeps making too much noise so he smothers his own face, hard, with plans to suffocate himself. 

 

The stretch the second finger brings makes Neil’s eyes water with the stimulation. Andrew curls and presses against Neil’s walls. Heat, amazing, it feels- Andrew changes his angle slightly and Neil’s whole body reacts by trying to force Andrew’s fingers deeper. “There,” Neil says, and he slams the pillow down on the floor which is a mistake because he has nothing to muffle himself. “An-” Andrew’s free hand presses against his mouth, his thumb hooking under Neil’s jaw. When the third is added Neil bears down and closes his eyes, he wants to scream. His teeth worry into Andrew’s hand as Andrew’s fingers bring him closer and closer to release. The pace is fast. Relentless. Andrew. 

 

Neil tries to warn Andrew. He tries to tell him in between his eyes rolling back into his head and his throat feeling raw from the screams which died there. When his cock twitches and climaxes with no assistance Neil feels the world tilt. His jaw goes slack and Andrew removes the hand from Neil’s mouth to help him through the rest of his orgasm. Neil’s abdomen tenses at the overstimulation and he shakes his head. “Need to cool down,” he croaks and Andrew’s fingers slip slowly out of his body. His waning cock left to recover. The mess he’s made left over his stomach and chest. 

 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks motioning to the white streaked over Neil’s scars. 

 

“Yes,” Neil says on his next exhale. Because he thinks Andrew means clean up. Andrew does. His tongue is making quick work of the mess and Neil’s vision flashes black then white as Andrew’s teeth scrape over the rough skin of old wounds. 

 

Neil sits up abruptly when Andrew’s tongue and teeth find themselves too close to the sensitive skin under Neil’s arms. “Okay,” Neil says and he holds Andrew’s face between his hands. Stopping him from reaching his destination. “Okay,” Neil says. 

 

He kisses Andrew and ignores the salty taste which comes with doing so. Andrew’s teeth pull at Neil’s lips until he opens his mouth. Their tongues circle one another and Neil can feel Andrew shifting to pull himself off. Neil is too tired to offer and when Andrew finishes he pushes Neil back down on his back to let his climax wash over Neil. Andrew’s mouth is set on a repeat performance and Neil keeps his grip on Andrew’s hair to keep him from doing so. 

 

“I like cedar,” Andrew says against Neil’s mouth. 

 

“Your cigarettes,” Neil whispers back. There are no towels within reach and another of Neil’s shirts is sacrificed. Andrew gets the lights but he doesn’t dress. He grabs extra blankets from the other bed and then slips in between Neil and the wall before curling against Neil’s side. Their torsos don’t touch but Andrew intertwines their legs. 

 

The room is dark and Neil cannot see his own hand. In the quiet he can hear the spinning sound of his still powered cd player running, from somewhere under the bed. Andrew presses his forehead against Neil’s shoulder. Neil, cannot move. His body is thoroughly fucked. His mind cannot form a new thought. Instead he replays the night. Andrew eager, eager. The endorphins start to wane and he feels himself crashing back into reality. He’s grateful Andrew is a warm weight to keep him grounded. 

 

“Must have been pretty good news,” Neil says. Andrew’s breath ghosts over his back followed by careful fingers pressing lines into his skin. 

 

“He’s going to prison,” Andrew says. The words tumble down Neil’s spine like a chill. “They found heroin and coke in his car, with intent to distribute.” Andrew’s voice drips with sarcasm, “oh no.” 

 

“Is that what Kevin had to tell you?” Neil asks. 

 

“Should I offer him a thank you blow job?” Andrew hums. 

 

“If you want to-” Neil hesitates, “wait, did Kevin really set Drake up to-?”

 

“Sh,” Andrew says and the shiver runs back down Neil’s spine. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The fingers stop playing on Neil’s skin. “I found a way for Renee to stay. We’re going to tell her the good news tomorrow.” 

 

“Allison already has a going away party planned.”

 

“It can be a staying party,” Andrew says. Andrew punches the sheet down in between their bodies and then he pulls Neil closer. 

 

“Shower,” Neil says, “I need one now as well. Otherwise I’m going to wake up covered in-”

 

“You’ll smell like me,” Andrew’s arm is a weight Neil doesn’t try to lift.


	25. Pilgrim's Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> performance dates are almost here, everybody trying to keep moving forward

“Aaron, you’re up,” Allison calls from the costume room. Neil gives him a mocking salute as Aaron leaves the stage. 

“We need him,” Kevin complains breaking the chorus formation. The rest of the chorus groans and Neil is caught by Marissa when he tries to slip away. 

“Not so fast Juliet,” she says. They’re missing both Romeo and Juliet now while trying to run through the show. Allison is busy with costuming the last of the cast so Neil has the honor of standing where Katelyn is supposed to stand while the chorus practices dancing around him. Kevin snaps at Neil if he gets his marks wrong. Finally Wymack has to tell him to calm down. 

“Minyard,” Wymack says, “come stand and look pretty.” The cast turn their heads but Aaron doesn’t return. Neil is the first to realize Wymack is looking at Andrew. Andrew is stapling fake ivy to the balcony set off on stage left. He pretends not to hear Wymack. The chorus resume their positions. Paired up as dancers at the Capulet ball the chorus turn themselves around Neil. 

Neil pretends to talk to the air like Katelyn would. Kevin is annoyed. “Your timing is off, we move in rhythm with the speech and-” 

“Kevin,” Wymack warns and Kevin instead mutters numbers under his breath. “Andrew come stand center. Put down the staple gun first.” Andrew drops the machine with a thud and Thea jumps thinking it will fire. Andrew stands center with his arms crossed. “Get a better attitude or you and Josten can hold hands as well.” Wymack reaches to hand Andrew a script to read from but Andrew scowls at him. “Best you keep your intolerance to yourself unless you want to walk down to the office.” Wymack misunderstands Andrew’s annoyance as homophobia and Neil keeps his eyes on his script. Andrew doesn’t need a script, he starts reciting the lines like Aaron would. Word for word, cadence for cadence.

“If I profane with my unworthiest hand. This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand, to soothe that rough touch with a tender kiss.” No one moves when he speaks. There’s a lingering silence and Neil isn’t sure if he should read Katelyn’s next line. “Are you going to run the scene or not, Kevin?” Andrew asks. The chorus pretend they weren’t staring at him. 

Kevin readies to count, Wymack cuts him off, “don’t count out loud it’s like white two three, white two three.” The chorus resumes their dance in time with Andrew’s repeated words. They continue on but Neil doesn’t speak fast enough and Andrew starts to say his line for him. 

The chorus, Neil has seen, usually form a semicircle around Aaron and Katelyn while steadily getting closer. Aaron will weave between the bodies of the chorus chasing after Katelyn who hides behind different cast members. When it’s time for the kiss the excess actors slip away during the rising action until it’s only the two lovers center stage. A light shines on the two leads when they meet. When the kiss ends the lights come back up and the chorus returns to try and drag each of them to opposite ends of the stage, they escape though to hide stage right and continue their courtship while the scene goes on without them. 

Neil and Andrew are not as graceful. Andrew does not walk through the chorus, he stands center while Neil plays his role. He fumbles through Juliet’s lines but Andrew is sure in his replies and it calms Neil’s nerves. Nerves, they’re not performing for anyone, Neil tries to remind himself of this when Andrew’s voice mimics Aaron’s sincerity with the most apathetic of expressions. 

Two of the chorus members are at Neil’s side and they nudge him closer to Andrew, to his mark. The chorus feels like a closing mouth ready to swallow the two of them. Neil and Andrew stand with a mere foot between them. Andrew doesn’t have a script so he just stares at Neil. Neil accepts this as a challenge and doesn’t look away. 

“Then kiss,” Wymack says and the chorus scatters. Neil jumps and his face flushes when he realizes Wymack’s not giving an order, only reminding the others of the pace. “Over there,” Wymack gestures and Neil and Andrew continue downstage until he motions them to be still. Andrew still stands close to Neil and stares. Wymack narrows his eyes at them. “Okay, run it again.”

Katelyn finally shows as they’re finishing up the scene and Aaron returns wearing his costume. They take their places and Katelyn apologizes. Her face is pale and her expression is one of weary. She ignores Aaron’s questions of concern. Andrew returns to his ivy and Neil stands out of the way in the wings. Dan is hanging out with some of the other crew. She drop kicks a water bottle at Andrew and Neil intercepts the shot. “He steals the ball,” Dan says with a grin. She jumps down from the prop table she’s sitting on and straddles her legs, “make the shot Josten.” Neil kicks the water back and it lands with a satisfying crunch against the wall behind her. 

“Goal!” Jeremy says holding up his arms. Andrew nudges past Neil as he goes to refill his machine. Jeremy intercepts Andrew. “Yo, hey man, Dan dragged me into her bet. I realize now what a mistake it was. Help me out?” Andrew crosses his arms. 

“Shouldn’t make a bet you can’t win,” Dan says firing a finger gun at Jeremy’s head. 

“What’s with the...?” Jeremy asks nodding at the band on Andrew’s left hand. Neil decides he needs to inspect his props immediately and occupies himself by fiddling with Mercutio’s daggers. They’ve been covered in so much tape they don’t possibly look threatening now. 

“It’s a ring,” Andrew says. 

“What’s it for?” Jeremy asks. “It’s not really a promise ring is it?” 

“I’m married,” Andrew says and Neil stifles the protest he wants to make. Dan groans and Jeremy laughs. 

“Fine,” Dan throws up her hands, “don’t tell us.” Jeremy furrows his brow and then knowing dawns and he smiles wide. 

“No way,” Jeremy says, “bets off, he talked to Renee.” Dan gives a resigned sigh. “You’re not allowed to say what she wants you to say.” 

“Renee doesn’t really think it’s a wedding ring,” Dan says. “She’s just choosing something random to throw her money at.” Andrew shrugs and continues his mission of getting more staples. Neil is finished with his daggers when Katelyn and Aaron walk offstage together. She pulls him aside and Neil makes himself secret behind one of the curtains. 

“I need to talk to you,” Katelyn says to Aaron. Her arms are crossed over her sunken in chest. 

“So talk,” Aaron says. “What’s wrong?” 

“Not here, we can go back to my room,” Katelyn says. 

“No,” Aaron says, his voice is tight. “We’re not doing this again.” 

“I’m not trying to-” 

“Look, I’m sure you think you intentions are good. But I can’t-” Aaron’s voice lowers as he tries to sound more sure. “You can’t use me as a way to get to Andrew. Having you listen to my problems and whatever comfort you feel I need is just- it’s fucked okay?” 

“I care about you, Aaron.” 

“Well do me a favor, and don’t, because my head is all over the place right now. There’s the show and I have to keep my grades and my mom-”

“I know you’re having a hard time but-” 

“Just leave me alone, okay? Please. I don’t know what you want from me but I can’t give it, I don’t have the energy-”

“This isn’t just about you,” Katelyn snaps. “I’m struggling with-”

“Katelyn,” Aaron fires back, “I don’t fucking care. I’m tired of this game of chase and trying to be surrogates for what we really want. Your Daddy issues are-” there’s the sound of a slap and it rings out in the wings before being eaten by the curtain. Neil steps out of his hiding place to see Katelyn lowering her hand and Aaron’s cheek flushed pink. Neil has his hand around her wrist a moment later. 

“You hit him,” Neil says. The bone of her wrist feels fragile, he imagines snapping it in his grip. Katelyns eyes are glossy when she glares at Neil. 

“You can intervene now,” she hisses, “when it’s not Andrew’s violent temper.” Neil makes the mistake of looking at Aaron. Aaron’s features crumpled in familiar compliance and trying to dissociate. He’s not Andrew, Neil reminds himself as rage tightens his grip and Katelyn whimpers. “I’m sorry,” she says. 

“Go home,” Neil says, “I don’t want to see you-”

“No,” Aaron finds his voice. “No, I shouldn’t have said what I did-”

“Shut up,” Neil snaps. “You’re going to leave unless you want me to get Andrew to dictate terms.” He releases her arm and Katelyn’s pace is brisk when she leaves through the side door. Dan calls after her in protest, 

“You just got here!” Katelyn ignores her. The door slams shut. 

“What the fuck is your problem, Josten?” Aaron snaps a second after the sound dissipates. “Stay out of my business.”

“Now you decide to have a spine,” Neil fires back. Aaron scowls at him before storming off to the dressing rooms. He almost runs right into Andrew but stops himself to point a finger into his brother’s chest. 

“You’re making things difficult,” Aaron says. Andrew turns over his palms to show his hands are empty. The cast all watch the exchange but keep their mouths closed. The commotion has summoned Wymack who does not look pleased. 

“That better not have been Robinson who just left,” Wymack says. 

“Aaron and Neil scared her off,” Dan says pointing tips of taped daggers at the two of them. Neil shoots her a glare. 

“Well bring her back, we have-” Wymack runs a hand over his face. “No, forget it, you lot can figure it out. This place will be open for you to run through what you need. I’ll see you at final dress but until then you’re on your own.” He hands his master script to Kevin before taking the back exit out to the parking lot. Kevin cradles the script like a precious baby. Dan and Jeremy are trying to stifle their laughter. Dan calls for Allison and money exchanges hands. 

Aaron takes his leave as well and Neil is about to pick a fight with Kevin when his phone vibrates. It’s a notification from some mail service wishing him congratulations and letting him know his package has arrived. Andrew snatches the phone from Neil before he’s finished reading. 

“Kevin, we’re leaving,” Andrew says and Neil glances around at everyone watching them. Kevin passes off the script to Marissa unceremoniously and then pulls his keys out. 

“Where to?” 

“Off to see Mommy Dearest,” Andrew hums and Aaron’s face pales. 

“We shouldn’t go,” Aaron says. 

“You weren’t invited,” Andrew hums. Aaron tries to reharden his face but fails and instead retreats back to the stage to find his strewn about belongings.

 

Being at Tilda’s house feels like staring down the end of the world. Neil says nothing as Andrew gets out of the car. Kevin is drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Andrew doesn’t wait for them to follow and he forces his shoulders to relax as he makes his way up the cracked stone steps. There’s a metallic pop as Neil checks the mailbox but Andrew knows it’s empty. He doesn’t knock. If Tilda had a brain she would have left his mail on the porch or in the mailbox, instead he has to pull back the screen and let himself in. 

It’s unlocked because she’s waiting for him. Tilda sits at the foot of the stairs with Andrew’s envelope in her hand. It looks comically large in her frail hands, it’s unopened and that’s all Andrew cares about. Andrew keeps the door propped open with his foot and holds out his hand. Tilda doesn’t rise to meet him. 

“What’s in it?” Tilda asks keeping the envelope from him. 

“You’re committing a felony,” Andrew says. 

“I didn’t open it,” she says with a hiss. She had made the mistake of opening Andrew’s school acceptance letter and he had made sure Tilda knew not to go snooping again. Andrew keeps his gaze locked against hers and doesn’t lower his arm. “You’re not taking him anywhere,” Tilda says with a closed mouthed grin. “He has nothing without me. No money. No financial aid. I didn’t sign any of his college papers. Where will he get money for his fancy out of state school?” Tilda stands on shaky feet, she grips the stair railing. “You don’t have anything to give him.” 

Andrew can feel Josten shifting behind him on the porch. Twitching with intent to jump in if the conversation goes south. Andrew doesn’t react, Tilda is grasping at straws. Aaron is set. Aaron has a plan, he’s been saving money since middle school, he’s ready to leave. “Hand it over,” Andrew says, “I won’t ask again.” Tilda’s smile turns smug and she lifts her nose, pride blooming through her. 

“Wait,” Tilda turns into the kitchen and picks up a tin of sorts, it looks like an old film reel canister. Inside, Andrew can hear some spare change plinking around as she walks with the metal container. She places Andrew’s letter on top and holds both things out to him. The sleeves of her thin robe roll back revealing track marks similar to the ones on Boyd. They look fresh. “Give this to Aaron.” 

He wants to say no, to deny her, but it won’t let him leave faster so Andrew accepts. Tilda’s laugh of giddiness it cut off by the slam of the screen door. Josten doesn’t say anything and follows Andrew back to the car. Andrew tears open the envelope and assures that the marriage certificate is the same as the one they signed and hasn’t been ruined, it’s fine, so he tosses it in the back of the car with Josten.

“What’s that?” Kevin asks as he pulls back out onto the road. Andrew lets the film reel tin sit in his lap. Curiosity says he should open it but he doesn’t want to give Tilda the satisfaction of his eagerness. Sense tells him she isn’t here so he pries the lid off. Inside there are two nickels and three pennies. He tosses it back with Josten as well. 

“For Aaron,” Andrew says. Neil is picking up the scattered coins and trying to fit the lid back on. There’s a dumb expression on his face and before Andrew can ask Josten says, 

“You can’t kill Katelyn.” Andrew grunts and digs out a pack of cigarettes while Kevin complains about him smoking in the car. He’s not serious though and Andrew barely cracks a window. “She and Aaron fought.” 

“Do I look like I care?” 

“She hit him, smacked him,” Neil says. 

“Kevin,” Andrew says evenly, “take us to Katelyn’s house.” Josten doesn’t fight him and it pisses him off but Kevin listens and they drive on. 

“Andrew,” Neil says and Andrew braces himself for an argument but instead, “is this Aaron’s handwriting?” Josten passes him back the lid of the tin. Taped on the inside is a piece of notebook paper with numbers crossed out and erased to add larger amounts. Dollar amounts. Ridiculously large numbers to have in cash. It’s Aaron’s writing. The scribble that means he’ll be a prolific doctor. Andrew stares at the numbers and then thinks of the horrific image of two nickels and three pennies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh, Depression* is such a pal ain't he. it's like having our insides being vacuumed up and set on fire before being blasted back into our body. we will fulfill our promise of completing this story, i must, for me, we deserve it. 
> 
> Thank you for all the wonderful comments and support on here and tumblr, we so appreciate all of you for reading <3
> 
> bless
> 
> *our beautiful new beta reader (who hasn't read aftg) is such a gem for supporting us (their edits for this and previous chapters will be updated soon).


	26. God Don't Make No Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beginning the real shit show kids, buckle up tw for mentions of unwilling sexual partners and drug use

Neil knows that if a murder takes place in front of him it won’t go over well given his history. He breaks into a desperate run to get to Katelyn’s door before Andrew is out of the car. Katelyn isn’t so awful a person as to deserve death or anything close. Even Kevin tried to offer soothing words on their way over. Andrew had been unreadable. Neil wasn’t taking chances given how violently he’d reacted to her before. As Neil raises a hand to knock- What would he even say? “Hey Katelyn, you should run or hide because Andrew has lost his shit and-” the door swings open and Matt Boyd is standing in the doorway in all his giant sized glory. 

 

Matt’s eyes look glazed over with a high. Someone is pulling at his arm begging him not to go. Matt. Neil is frozen. When breath finally returns to his chest Neil says, “what the fuck?” 

 

Matt is blinking at him like he’s trying to decide if Neil is a hallucination or not. The someone who had been pulling at Matt’s arm is now trying to cover herself with her terribly sheer robe. Mrs. Robinson is wearing lingerie and her hair is down and mused, there’s the smell of perfume and sex coming off the both of them. Neil notices his fist is still raised and he lets it meet his former roommate’s chest. Real.

 

“What are you doing here?” Matt asks and his tone is tight and nervous, like Aaron had been in front of Katelyn. Behind him, Neil can hear Kevin still trying to reason with Andrew about not beating the shit out of Katelyn as they make their way up the concrete steps. Matt’s eyes look past Neil and his face becomes ashen. Neil glances back and raises a hand to keep the two from coming closer, to his surprise Andrew catches Kevin’s arm and they stop. 

 

When Neil looks back Matt has been pulled back into the house and Mrs. Robinson is red faced and fuming. Her finger is a dagger pointed at Neil’s chest. She’s swearing, threatening to call the police, threatening to call the school, then the color from her face drains and she’s pale. “You don’t know anything. You can’t prove anything. You get the fuck off my property-” 

 

Matt is high, he keeps glancing between the two of them but he finally decides to assist Mrs. Robinson in turning herself around and placing herself back in the house. The door closes on her. Then it is just Neil and Matt and silence on the front steps. Kevin is freaking out behind them, Andrew shoves him back toward the car. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Matt asks and Neil tries to find his words. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Neil echoes. “What are  _ you  _ doing here?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Matt says. 

 

“Bullshit,” Neil says. Matt hums and then he’s rubbing his forearms and keeping his eyes trained down at the ground. He looks like a shadow of a person. “Are you okay?” Neil’s voice is a blunt force which slams into Matt. Matt is hyper in his attempt to nod. Then he’s shaking his head and crying and Neil doesn’t know what the fuck to do about it. He’s about to turn to Andrew but instead Matt grabs Neil’s arm like he’s trying to steady himself.

 

Mrs. Robinson returns wearing a thick overcoat and holding a phone where she claims she has the police waiting. It’s then she spots Andrew also standing on her property and the phone disappears as she goes back to pleading for their discretion. Andrew joins Neil beside Matt. It’s then Neil sees Andrew’s holding a stack of photographs. Before Neil says anything else Andrew tells him to get in the car,  _ yes, with Boyd _ . Mrs. Robinson is holding out the phone to show him the police weren’t actually called and she’s sorry and trying to retreat into her house. 

 

Neil feels out of his body, a whirl of confusion and ignorance sweeping him toward Kevin’s car. Where Neil is silent, Kevin can’t seem to shut up. He opens the door for Matt who gets in the back seat like he’s being arrested and Neil follows suit when he sees Andrew heading back to them. 

 

The door closes and his silence fades with it. “What was that?” Neil asks Matt who is now a shocked shell of a body.  _ How can so much of a person be so empty? _ Kevin is an echo chamber repeating Neil’s questions as if they are facts. “Are you sleeping with Katelyn’s mom? Is she giving you shit? How long? Does Dan know? Does Katelyn know? Jesus Christ, are you even okay? What the fuck?” Kevin’s last echo is cut short by Andrew slamming his door closed as he returns to shotgun. 

 

“I’m damned,” Matt says bending forward, his entire body wracking with silent sobs. 

 

“Not today,” Andrew says and orders Kevin to hurry the fuck up.

  
  
  
  


Kevin’s house is perfectly sized. There is enough room for everyone who lives there and not much else. Matt is unconscious, sleeping, on the too short couch where Wymack’s wife has covered him in a mountain of blankets. Kevin keeps bouncing around trying to offer water and finally his step-mother eases him into another room to talk him down. Neil thinks he remembers Kevin mentioning she was a therapist. 

 

Andrew had left with Kevin’s car. He said he needed to settle things. He still needed to go to Katelyn’s. He stopped keeping Neil in the dark and explained it wasn’t about Katelyn, it was about his solution to keeping Renee. He had kept quiet in the car to fuck with Kevin. Andrew had incriminating photos from Katelyn’s birthday he was sure Mrs. Robinson would not want the good community having access to, underage drinking and her daughter snorting a pretty vice. Neil had nodded instead of arguing, not wanting to be pulled into whatever bad mood Andrew was swimming in. A good word put in from Mrs. Robinson meant Renee would be able to stay, but that hardly seems relevant now. 

 

Neil stands beside a well used fireplace with his arms crossed as Wymack sits across the way in a chair large enough to fit him. He is leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his face half covered by folded hands. Wymack hasn’t asked questions yet and Neil can nearly see the gears turning in his teacher’s mind.  

 

“You’re going to report him,” Neil says. Wymack doesn’t move. “Don’t lie and say you won’t, teachers have to report on kids they think are being abused.” Such concerned teacher reports were the reason Neil had to deal with so much backlash from his parents. It was why he didn’t want to bring Matt to Wymack. If it were Neil, he wouldn’t want more people involved in his shit. It was Andrew’s insistence that lead to them showing up at Kevin’s unannounced.

 

“Wake him up,” Wymack says unmoving. Neil kicks at Matt’s feet which hang off the edge until he jolts back into his body. There’s a dizziness which Matt fights by sitting up and placing his head between his knees. The blankets are adjusted to be wrapped around his shoulders and then Matt’s eyes find a spot on the carpet to focus on and they don’t move. 

 

“I’m going to Hell,” Matt says. 

 

“You’re going to tell me what happened, and I’m going to listen. Then we can decide where we need to go from here, right now, on Earth. Your end all destination is between you and the Man upstairs.” Wymack’s tone holds no nonsense and Matt nods his head. “You’ve been using?” Matt nods. “Does your mother know?” Matt runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head. Wymack doesn’t bat an eye, Neil doesn’t know if Wymack knows the details of his own son’s habits and for a moment Neil worries Matt is going to throw Kevin under the bus for dealing. 

 

“Why were you at Katelyn’s?” Neil cuts in. The question hits Matt sideways.

 

As Matt speaks Neil is reminded of confession. Matt’s secrets flow out of him like air from a balloon. Wymack holds space for all of them. Mrs. Robinson had known Matt from when he dated Katelyn and had  _ known  _ Matt shortly after the two split. She had offered him wine first, then liquors and fixes which weren’t legal even if he were 21. They didn’t keep contact while the family was overseas but Mrs. Robinson had been trying to invite him over ever since things went south with her husband. Matt agreed only because his supply ran out and was short on cash. Dan didn’t know, she didn’t know any of it, and he kept it a secret from his mother who was a single parent and worked hard to be a strong role model for her bright kid. 

 

“I didn’t want-” Matt’s eyes go wide as the realization hits. His eyes become glossy. “I didn’t  _ want _ to. I  _ didn’t  _ want to.” A tremor rocks through Matt’s left leg until he’s practically stomping the ground with how badly he’s shaking. Wymack waits until he knows Matt is finished speaking and then he stands from his chair. He places a hand on Matt’s shoulder. 

 

“What  _ do _ you want?” Wymack asks. Matt exhales and steadies his breath. 

 

“I want my mom,” Matt says. 

 

“I can get that arranged,” Wymack says and excuses himself from the room for Matt to collect himself. Once Wymack is out of the room Matt collapses back and runs a hand over his face. There’s a nervous giddiness that comes over him. Neil finally catches his eye. 

 

“Could you call Dan? Tell her where I am.” Neil nods but doesn’t take his phone out. Matt’s leg starts vibrating again. “I, uh, I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk to you.” Matt presses his fingertips into his leg trying to will the shaking to stop. “I’ve not been fair to you and uh, Andrew.” 

 

“I really couldn’t give a shit about your being an asshole right now.” 

 

“No, I-” Matt closes his eyes and pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders. “I care about you Neil, and I just don’t want Andrew to be someone who-”

 

“Andrew is fine.” 

 

“I know,” Matt says. He exhales, “I know. I think I thought if I could get you away from Andrew it would be easier for me to get away from her. I just,” He tilts his head to stare directly at Neil. “I like you.” 

 

“I like you too man, I didn’t know you were dealing with all this. I’ve been a shitty friend.” 

 

“No, Neil,” Matt ducks his head. “Nevermind, please, call Dan.”

  
  


Dan shows up and Matt breaks down again. She wraps him in an embrace which is unbreakable and let’s him release. Dan speaks for Matt as Wymack makes arrangements. Neil joins Kevin on the porch as he finds he’s craving the smell of smoke. There’s a guilt which pulses between them, Kevin speaks it into existence, 

 

“I should have known.” Kevin has his sleeves rolled up so he can trace the dark lines of his tattoos, keeping busy, distracting himself. “I should have done something.”

 

“We couldn’t have known,” Neil says. He’s bouncing on his feet staring down the road. Kevin is staring too. Neil’s cell vibrates and he’s quick to check the text. It’s from Renee. 

 

_ I need to speak with Andrew. Urgent.  _

 

_ Not with me. _

 

_ Is Aaron? _

 

_ No.  _

  
_ Shit. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you tiny friends for your kind words and support, and for the aftg fic rec blog who I keep seeing post my fic link which peer pressures me into remembering to update. Hopefully another chap will be up this week.


	27. All Grown Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renee and andrew's bits are kind of parallel to times during last chap, neil moves us forward

Renee didn’t mean to walk in on Katelyn, who was in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but sometimes God has other plans. Her first thought was to leave their room silently and pretend to not have seen her roommate sobbing uncontrollably into a large plush octopus. Again, the Good Lord had other ideas. Upon hearing her enter Katelyn and thrown herself at Renee, and before Renee could pull a knife to defend herself she found that Katelyn was hugging her. 

 

“Please stay with me,” Katelyn had cried. Renee did. 

 

She sits now on Katelyn’s bed, petting her hair and telling her it’s going to be fine. Whatever it is, it’ll be fine, God’s got your back. It almost feels like before, when they used to be friends and Katelyn wasn’t afraid of catching the sapphic bug. Between whimpers Katelyn croaks, “he hates me.” Renee isn’t sure if she means Andrew, or Aaron, or her father, so she says nothing and waits. Katelyn holds one of the plush tentacles between her palms and rolls the fluffy appendage between her hands. The tears keep on flowing but her voice is calm yet raspy, “Do you remember when you and I used to stay up late and text about boys?”

 

“Yes,” Renee remembers. She also remembers her foster mother at the time destroying her phone at the end of the month when the bill was too high. Renee hadn’t known how texts and phone charges worked.

 

“Were you just fucking with me?” Katelyn asks. “Did you like girls then?”

 

“I don’t think this is a conversation-”

 

“You didn’t talk to me. All while I was in Holland. I didn’t get a single message from you. Then I find out, through my mother, about you and Allison. That you didn’t think to tell me, even after I poured my heart out to you about crushes, and Matt, that you couldn’t trust me.” Katelyn presses her face into her comfort plush. “I know we’re not friends anymore. I know I’ve said terrible things. I’ve been jealous of your friendship with Andrew-” Katelyn coughs like she chokes on his name. She buries her face into the softness and lets out a scream that is equal parts primal and divine feminine rage.  “I don’t even like Andrew, he’s mean and short.” She gives a bitter laugh. “I  _ so _ wanted his approval though, like you, and when he was so fucking indifferent then I-” Katelyn runs a hand through her hair and groans. “I’ve been trying to understand you, Renee. What changed you. Or if you never changed then how I missed the signs.” Renee pulls her hands away as Katelyn sits upright to look into Renee’s eyes. She is full of resolve and steeling herself for whatever Renee’s response will be. “Were we ever friends? Did you ever think of me as one?” Renee does not pull her gaze away.

 

“We were friends,” Renee says. Katelyn’s walls crumble further and Renee’s words make Katelyn slump forward and begin crying again.

 

“I don’t know who else to talk to,” she says. Renee places a hand gently on Katelyn’s hair and begins to stroke the soft strands. To Renee, this is not even Katelyn anymore, this is just a young woman, who is all young women, who is Renee. Renee soothes herself through petting Katelyn and breathing with her. 

 

“What’s wrong?”  _ Want me to fix it for you?  _ Katelyn sits upright and wraps her arms around herself.

 

“I’m-” Katelyn shakes her head like if she doesn’t say the word it’ll go away. Slumped over Katelyn is staring at her own stomach like it belongs to someone other than her. The dawning knocks the wind out of Renee’s lungs. They both suck in air together and breathe. 

 

“Pregnant,” Renee says and Katelyn nods repeatedly before wiping her cheeks. Renee wipes the wide eyed stare from her face before Katelyn can see. This is Katelyn. Katelyn, good girl, God fearing Katelyn. 

 

“God, I took two tests, the ladies at the convenience store were nice to me but I haven’t been able to stop crying-”

 

“Did you talk to Aaron?” Gears spin disconnected in Renee’s mind. She tries to slip them back into place. 

 

“He won’t talk to me,” Katelyn laughs through a choked sob, “I’ve been such a bitch to him. I don’t know what to do. I just fucking hate everything so much. I’m the worst.” 

 

“What do you want to do?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Katelyn says. “I don’t know.”

 

“I’ll go with you to a clinic-”

 

“No! Renee, no, I can’t get an…” Katelyn trails off. She wipes her face until it is dry and blotchy red.“I just need to talk to Aaron. Would you, would you find him for me?” Renee strokes a hand over the octopus’ head. 

 

“Okay.” 

  
  


Andrew finds Aaron’s roommate dead asleep, said roommate is still wearing his exy jersey and the smell is not the greatest. Andrew takes a chance and throws a nearby water bottle at the young man’s sleeping form. There’s a series of heavily accented grunts which are followed by the information Andrew needs. He finds Aaron just as he’s leaving the school library with textbooks in hand. Aaron doesn’t stop walking and barely looks at Andrew. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Need to talk.” 

 

“Oh now you have time-” Aaron stops in his tracks when he notices the tin in Andrew’s hands. “You found it.” There’s a relief which washes over Aaron’s face that ties a knot in Andrew’s stomach. “Confession, it was me who ransacked your dorm. I thought I might have left that before Christmas cause I it wasn’t in my bag where I always keep it and-” Andrew says nothing but opens the tin. The look of heartbreak which washes over his twin brother’s features is something Andrew never wants to see again. Aaron snatches the film canister and stares at its emptiness like it is a never ending void. All the fragile strength that Aaron has left crumbles. He sinks to the ground in the middle of the hallway. 

 

“Tilda had this.” Andrew squats to be at eye level with his twin. 

 

“It’s over.”

 

“This doesn’t change anything,” Andrew says. Aaron drops his books on the floor and fists his hands in his hair. 

 

“No, this changes fucking everything.” 

 

“It changes nothing, we’re going to Washington and you’re going to school to become a stupid doctor.” 

 

“I don’t have money, Andrew, you need money to fucking do things.” 

 

“We can get-”

 

“You don’t get it!” Aaron’s head snaps up. 

 

“Then explain it to me!” Aaron does, between bouts of silence to keep his voice from cracking, about how Tilda won’t file the forms he needs to qualify for financial aid. How the scholarship he has only covers so much, but not enough to live on. It’s nothing Andrew doesn’t already know, he can form a plan. “I’ll take care-”

 

“Don’t,” Aaron snaps. He sucks in a breath and holds in the last of his anguish. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like you can just handle it. I’m tired of being handled. You, acting like there’s any goddamned hope for me. I can’t even do this right. For myself. I’m just a pathetic deadweight who can’t take care of himself.” Aaron pushes his books away from him and sits fully on the ground. “You know, if I hadn’t had to go to your mommy’s house for Christmas I wouldn’t have to have gone to Tilda’s when your little friend got himself drugged up.” Aaron catches himself, Andrew pulls his features into apathy to hide his surprise. Aaron doesn’t normally call Tilda, Tilda. She is becoming no one’s mother. “She probably stole it from my bag when I was passed out from exhaustion after helping you keep Neil from being stuck at Cass’.” 

 

“Aaron-”

 

“Don’t Andrew, just,” Aaron thrusts the tin back into Andrew’s hands, “go. I don’t need this. I don’t want to see you.” Andrew knows Aaron really means  _ you don’t need this.  _ The pity makes Andrew scowl. He stands but goes nowhere. He nudges a kick at Aaron’s textbooks and recognizes the titles as the recommended summer reading list Aaron had listed on his blog a week ago. Andrew realizes he’s been staring too long and not moving when Aaron pushes his shin as if that will move him. “Go find your roommate, I’m sure he’s looking for you.” Andrew forces his shoulders to relax. Aaron’s fingers are still lingering, clinging to his pant leg. 

 

“This is about Neil.” 

 

“No,” Aaron pulls away. 

 

“I wasn’t asking. Spit it out, what’s your problem?”  

 

“I’m not…” Aaron’s fight is gone and he forces himself up, to stand on both feet. His arms are kept tightly locked at his sides, his hands in fists, he won’t look at Andrew. “Why him? Why did you let him in, of all people?” Andrew doesn’t say anything. “I’m your brother, Andrew, you could have told me and I’d have-” Aaron clears his throat. “I would have listened to you. I still would, listen to you. If you ever…” Aaron shakes his head “Josten is an eavesdropping rat who spies on people in confessional and-” 

 

“Your concern is touching.”

 

“I’m not joking around! God, why is everything so nothing to you?” Aaron gathers up his books and marches off before Andrew has words to say that would matter. 

  
  


Neil is lounging in the dormroom looking over his already memorized lines, the show is two days away and he’s starting to feel the reality of having to perform for an audience. His brain is split, thinking the performance is important and also knowing that it doesn’t matter in the slightest compared to the rest of the things happening around him. Andrew isn’t back yet but Neil figures it’s probably because he ran into Renee or needed a shower. There’s a knock at the door and he mumbles a half hearted “come in”. Matt’s frame fills the doorway. Neil lets his script rest on his chest and he scoots more upright. 

 

“Hey, you need something?” Dan had driven Matt back separate. Neil had thought this talk would have come days later if at all. He’s got no issue with Matt now, anger seems pointless.  

 

“Will you go over lines with me?” Matt asks. Neil nods. Wymack had given Matt an out, someone else could fill in for him during the show if he didn’t feel like performing. The cast would understand. Dan would understand. Matt had declined the offer, the show was important to Dan and he didn’t want to let her down. 

 

“Which scene?” Neil asks and Matt starts quoting his lines and Neil flips through the script. Neil has to read Aaron’s parts but he remembers his own and it flows naturally. They run through Neil’s death scene a fair few times, each time Neil tries various inflections in hopes of coaxing a laugh from Matt. He succeeds twice.

 

When they have thoroughly exhausted their voices and tolerance for Shakespearian dialect Matt slides off the bed and sits on the floor. Andrew had poked his head in once before deciding to hit up Kevin’s room when Neil acknowledged he was “fine, Andrew”. Neil hasn’t been alone like this with Matt since Katelyn’s birthday and this is immediately apparent when the two of them fall into silence. 

 

“Thanks,” Matt says, not meaning about their mini rehearsal. 

 

“Don’t mention it,” Neil replies. He thinks Matt will want to talk about the incident with Wymack now. That he’ll say something about wanting to get clean like Kevin had. Neil is prepared to tell him how Kevin uses cannabis to curb his harsher cravings as he eases back into sobriety, how Neil will support Matt if he needs it. Instead, Matt’s mind is elsewhere.

 

“So,” Matt says, “are you and Andrew still?” Neil’s plans of niceties disappear behind walls. The anger he thought had turned to forgiveness rears its head. 

 

“Yup,” Neil pops. 

 

“Did you get my messages?” 

 

“Yup,” Neil says. 

 

“It doesn’t bother you?” 

 

“Matt I’m not going to talk to you about Andrew,” Neil says tossing the script aside with more force than the papers deserve. 

 

“There’s a reason,” Matt rushes to say when he can feel Neil’s patience slipping, “I keep asking about him.” He twiddles his thumbs and Neil sits properly upright with a sigh. Matt told him, he already told him how this nagging was a surrogacy for his own entrapment. Listening to Matt’s ramblings could be therapeutic for him to sort his thoughts. Neil considers that maybe he has the bare tolerance for such stupidity. “Please, hear me out.” 

 

“I want to let you know first that nothing you say is going to change-”

 

“I like you,” Matt says. He then curses under his breath. “No, I mean yes. I just wanted to say this better. I was going to tell you, at Katelyn’s party, when it was my turn to give my confession. But it didn’t turn out like I wanted.” Matt exhales a long sigh. “I like you, like you. I’ve liked you for like three years now. And Dan knows. We talked about it. Cause I love Dan, she’s amazing and I also have like feelings about you. About guys. Like, I can’t stop thinking about you and I’ve tried praying but the thoughts just...” Neil feels a balloon of sense pop in his mind. It’s immediately filled again with defenses. 

 

“So when you were asking about Andrew being my fuck buddy you were really saying ‘wouldn’t I be a better option?’” Neil scowls. He can’t help the way his heart is beating,  _ run run run _ . Matt’s being nice, but Drake had seemed nice. Neil already knows he can’t take Matt alone, fighting isn’t an option. He’s not going to be stupid about this.  

 

“No!” Matt snaps. “Fuck. Give me a second to get my words in order.” 

 

“Dude, you’ve been pestering me the way Katelyn pesters Andrew and it’s not cool. You fucking reported Andrew because of some petty shit you think is going to help me. I had voicemail after voicemail of concerned friend voice trying to convince me not to let some guy take advantage of me. When, meanwhile, you were wanting to be that person for me? Newsflash here Matt but I don’t fucking swing for anyone but Andrew so you’re out of luck.” Matt’s mouth opens like he wants to defend himself, hurt and shame coat his face but then they twist into something hard and angry. 

 

“It sure looked like you swung at that rave.” Neil sends a sharp kick at Matt’s shoulder sending his surprised form closer to the door. 

 

“Get the fuck out my my room.” Matt pulls himself to his feet and Neil is ready to bolt out the window if Matt plans on trying anything. Only Matt’s head is hanging in defeat and bristling rage, and he leaves without another word. Neil shoves his desk chair against the door, so it’ll be knocked away in warning if anyone comes. Andrew will ask questions. Neil won’t answer, but he wants Andrew to ask. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen friends, i wanted to be here sooner, i really did. no more promises from me cause then i'll be taken by fae for two months and won't return. but know that i want to have another chapter up tomorrow, but no promises cause then they'll keep me locked up. thank you everyone who commented, the kind words really mean the world to me. and one thing is certain, i will finish this fic in this lifetime so thank you for being the readers of such work. bless you, have a wonderful existence.


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